


A Little More Conversation...

by Kiwi1018



Series: When TROS Breaks Your Heart... [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: A little more conversation, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Bendemption, Canon Compliant, Episode X, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Dyad (Star Wars), Overthinking it, Post-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker Fix-It, The Force Ships It, WeLoveBenSolo, a little less action, plenty of longing, savebensolo, until the kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-02-23 03:04:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 47,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23004736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiwi1018/pseuds/Kiwi1018
Summary: “Ben...” The name he had so despised, it sounds so different in her voice. Like a blessing. Like a miracle. He smiles again, and his joy, his amazement, fill the bond.“But it didn’t work. I mean, it did work,” he’s suddenly flustered, something she’s never heard from him before. “It did work. You’re here. But so am I.”————————A series of scenes and conversations trying to make sense of the mess that is Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, which then, of their own accord, developed a plot.Ben survives Exegol, because what the heck was the dyad good for otherwise? And now there’s a lot to figure out. Join me in seriously overthinking it!_______________
Relationships: Finn & Rey (Star Wars), Kylo Ren/Rey, Leia Organa & Ben Solo, Leia Organa & Rey, Luke Skywalker & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Rose Tico, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Series: When TROS Breaks Your Heart... [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1761187
Comments: 448
Kudos: 409
Collections: TROS Reylo Fix-it Fics, The Rise of Skywalker: Fix-It Fic Edition





	1. Rey and Ben: Exegol

Rey gasps as Ben slips from her arms, collapsing heavily on the cold rocky ground of the Sith Eternal temple on Exegol.

“Ben,” she breathes. “No, no, no. Not now. Not yet.” They have just, finally, found each other. He has healed her, this she knows, after the final, crushing assault by Palpatine...But has Ben gone too far? Given too much?

She can only assume he’s never done it before, that he learned it from her when she healed him, before, on Kef Bir. The way they have learned _so much_ from each other, shared so much with each other. And he was already so wounded, Palpatine’s attack so brutal. She leans over Ben now, puts her hand to his face, his neck, looking for that pulse, desperate for a sign of life.

He can’t be gone, the bond, the dyad, wouldn’t it preserve them, keep them tied together? He can’t pass on without her. She has no idea how it actually works, it’s all such a mystery, but in her heart.... she presses her ear to his chest, her hand to his neck, searching desperately for reassurance.

And then she hears, more like feels in her soul, a faint heartbeat. He’s still there. She wraps her arm around him, settling her head on his chest, and realizes she can still feel his presence through their bond, faint, as though he were far away, but real, present. _Alive._ Exhaustion overcomes her, and though the battle rages overhead, though she knows her friends are up there, still fighting for freedom, she falls unconscious with one thought in her mind: _You’re not alone._

***********

Rey awakens with no idea of how much time has passed. The sky above is calmer, the stars glittering bright in the darkness. Under her head she feels the slow rise and fall of Ben’s breathing, stronger now, steady. She sits up unsteadily, reaching out in the force, seeking her friends, the battle. Finn. Poe. Rose. Chewbacca. So many others. How much have they lost in this fight?

She can’t feel any of them. She would know if they had died, she’s sure of it. She would have felt it. But. Even while unconscious? She stretches out with her feelings again, seeking Finn in particular; her familiarity with his sense is the strongest. Nothing. But she’s still so weak.

She sinks back onto Ben’s chest, exhausted again from that simple search, when suddenly his consciousness comes roaring back into her mind, an instant before he draws a gulping breath, his arms flinging up to grasp her as he comes back to reality.

She sits up slightly, turning to face him, to reassure him, panic and desperation radiating from him as he’s staring blankly at the black sky above. She leans on him with one arm, reaching up with the other to stroke his hair out of his eyes, trace his cheek with her hand. He’s almost a stranger to her, Ben Solo, but she doesn’t even question this tender, intimate gesture. It’s just so... right. Her hand lingers, wondering, at the spot where his scar had been. He pushes himself up, leaning back slightly to study her, confusion flickering over his face, and then he... _smiles._ That smile, that she’s waited so long to see, she already knows she’ll never get enough of it.

“It worked.” His voice is hoarse, raw with exhaustion, but full of awe. “I wasn’t sure it would... I’ve never...” he pauses, reaching up to run his own thumb lightly down her cheek, as though confirming she’s real. She feels his emotions through the force, as clearly as she feels her own, although they are so similar she isn’t sure where hers end and his begin. 

She returns the smile, the wonder of the moment, eyes closing slightly as his touch, leaning into his hand as he cups her jaw, still rubbing his thumb over her cheek.

“You healed me, I suppose?” Her voice catches, caught on pent-up fear. “A dangerous task, without practice.” She tries to put a bit of teasing into her voice, but knowing how close he came to over-extending himself, to sacrificing himself for her, makes her voice wobble.

“No. Rey, I’ve never... I thought...” His voice is still rough, but she relishes his low timbre, so rich without that awful mask.

“I thought I was giving myself up for you. I don’t know how to heal. The dark side, it only takes. I thought, I was desperate, I could take from myself, give it to you.” Her stomach drops, her fear flooding the bond. She hadn’t wanted that. She would never ask for that. “I know,” he says, pulling her in close, holding her to him, his broad hands on her back.

_I know you didn’t. But I couldn’t let you go. I just found you. I couldn’t lose you. You saved me. It was... I couldn’t lose you_ , he repeats in her head. Out loud, he says again, “you saved me. I wanted... I needed, to save you. Even though I wouldn’t be there with you, just knowing you were alive, it would have been enough.”

“Ben...” The name he had so despised, it sounds so different in her voice. Like a blessing. Like a miracle. He smiles again, and his joy and amazement fill the bond.

“But it didn’t work. I mean, it did work,” he’s suddenly flustered, something she’s never heard from him before. “It did work. You’re here. But so am I.”

“You healed me,” she says again, pulling back to face him, her wonder and awe and an underlying sense of satisfaction flooding the bond. She taught him that. In healing him, before, she had saved herself. “You weren’t drawing on the darkness. You used the light!” She is delighted.

“No, Rey. I didn’t just heal you. You were dead. You were gone,” he repeats, and she feels his grief, the agony of that moment. “Even in the force, you were gone. In the bond. You were gone.”The words echo in her mind as tears fill his eyes, and then, he smiles again. “But the dyad, it kept us together. Two halves of a whole.” He holds her close again, and she sinks into his arms, trying to understand what he’s saying, what this feels like. What it all means.

_You’re not alone. Neither are you._

The ground under them shakes suddenly, a deep reverberation that echoes through the cavern. “We have to get out of here,” Rey says, remembering what was going on in the sky above them, might still be going on. “The Resistance. They might still be up there. We have to go.”

Getting unsteadily to her feet, she pulls Ben gently, urging him up. But he pulls her back down.

“Rey.” Just saying her name is heaven, after so long denying it, denying her, and what she is to him. “Rey,” he says again, just for the joy of it, gentle, but insistent. “I can’t go with you to the Resistance. At best I’m a war criminal. At worst...” _Shot on sight,_ echoes through her mind. “Leia is... gone.” And again, the bond pulses with grief.

Rey collapses back next to him, leaning into him, momentarily overcome by the weight of that loss. “I know. I’m so sorry. So sorry you never got to see her again. That she never got to see _you_ again.” _Ben_. He’s nearly overwhelmed by Rey’s compassion, her generosity in the face of her own grief.

He draws a shaky breath, then starts again. “If she were still... here... maybe. Maybe I could go back, she might,” and again, the grief, and even more, his own doubt, echoes through the bond, but he continues, “she might vouch for me. She might recognize... me, and stand for me. But without her...”

Rey interrupts, gently but firmly placing her hands on each side of his face, turning him to look straight into her eyes. “ _I_ will stand for you. _I_ will protect you. _I_ see who you are now.” His heart melts under her gaze. He feels in the bond her absolute sincerity, already her complete trust in him, though he feels she hardly knows him. He hardly knows himself. It’s been so long. He leans into her until his forehead touches her own, closing his eyes to savor this moment. Breathing her name. “Rey...”

He wants to kiss her again. Bury his face in her hair, breathe her and taste her and never let her go. He’s wanted that, _her_ , for so long. But... she’s such a compassionate, earnest soul. He can feel, through their bond, so many... feelings.

After he... revived her? Saved her? He isn’t even sure what to call it... she had certainly kissed him heartily, but it felt like a... giddy celebration, an emotional release of joy at being alive. Not quite what he feels for her, hidden away even from himself for so long.

He takes another deep breath, drawing calm from her presence, and focuses on her words. On their next steps.

“I know you would... I know. But I’m not sure it will be enough... to them, I’m a monster. I can’t go to them. Not now. And I can’t do that to you. No one would believe you would stand up for me. It would ruin you.”

She starts to interrupt, protesting, but he continues. “They need you. The galaxy needs you. You are the last Jedi.” He smiles at the discomfort that radiates from her at that title. “ _They_ need you,” he repeats, but in the bond she hears his sadness. _I need you_ , her heart echoes back to him, surprising in its intensity. _I don’t want to go without you. I’ve just found you. I don’t want to be alone._

His heart soars. He pulls back to look her in the eyes, that smile again that looks so foreign on his face but somehow completes him. “You’ll never be alone. _Never again_. The bond, Rey. It’s still here, you can feel it, I know. It’s stronger than ever. We’re a dyad, two that are one, and even more so now. You gave me your life, and I gave it back to you. We live in each other, we make each other stronger. Distance can’t separate us. I know that.”

He reaches out, slowly brushing a hand across her neck, into her hair. She leans into his hand, her eyes closing briefly. He feels a rush through the bond, brief, but so real, a mirror of his own feelings for her. How he has dreamed of this, of touching her softly. Intimately. Of her trusting him, letting him in.

He sighs and pulls back his hand, still looking her in the eyes. “You have to go back to the Resistance, rebuild the galaxy. They need you,” he tries to say it lightly. Because it’s true. There is so much to rebuild. For both of them.

He can feel her resignation in the force, her acceptance of the truth even as she doesn’t like it. “Oh, Ben.” That name again... it undams springs of hope in his heart.

“Where will you go?” she asks, taking his hand in hers, weaving their fingers together, watching as they entwine, even as she knows they’ll be separating again. Only physically, she tells herself... _temporary_. That thought surprises her. He smiles, hearing that across the bond, and squeezes her hand in response.

“I have some... things... I need to work through.” Such an understatement. “There’s no way I can ever make reparations for what I’ve done, but maybe I can begin to...” _Heal_ , she hears run through his mind, but along with it... doubt, the inner fear that he, Ben, can never really be restored. That he has been broken beyond repair.

He swallows, then says, slowly, “Maybe I could go to... where we first met...?”

“Takodana?” She asks, confused.

“No,” he smiles, and she feels, of all things, _embarrassment_ , through the bond. “Where you first met ...Ben. In that hut, reaching across the fire. When you brought the spark of Ben Solo back to life.” She smiles, remembering the flames flickering in his eyes, the intensity of that touch, the utter intimacy that she had never experienced before. Again, he feels that brief rush of longing as she remembers. _There is hope_.

“If you’ll be willing to finally tell me where it is... ?” She senses the nervousness in his question.

“Oh Ben,” and she actually laughs! It’s light and woeful, but he’s thrilled by the sound, though he hears her own nerves behind it. “You have no idea. I actually went there, before coming here. I thought, I was going to do what... Luke did.”

She waits for his reaction at hearing his uncle’s name, but none comes. He watches her intently, his eyes never leaving hers. “I was so overwhelmed by what you told me about... Palpatine.” She pauses, again, measuring her own reaction to that vile name, and finding it manageable, now, with Ben here, and with what she...they... have accomplished.

“And seeing it in myself. How I destroyed that transport, and how I... stuck out at you, in anger. In that moment, Ben, I _wanted_ to hurt you. I _wanted_ to win! Even though winning meant defeating you. I took full advantage of your distraction, and I _killed_ you!”

Her voice catches on a sob at the memory, her own fear and regret and shame filling them both. He never takes his eyes off her, doesn’t back down as she faces her truth, as he tries to temper her grief with his own understanding, his gratitude. That she could regret anything she's done to him, in the face of all that _he's_ done to her.

She takes a few more breaths, calming, while drawing almost unconsciously on his presence to center herself.“So, I was going to do what he did, disappear. Bury myself far away, where I could never hurt anyone again. End it all. End the Jedi.” She laughs once again, but sorrowfully this time, recognizing the irony.

“But, he was there. Luke. He talked me out of it. Gave me his X-wing. And gave me your mother’s lightsaber. We couldn’t have done this,” she waves her hand briefly around the cave, her voice barely a whisper, “without it.” He smiles, touched by her use of “we.”

“You did this, Rey,” he insists. “You defeated the last Sith.” But then he sobers. “Do you think I’d be... welcome there?” He asks.

“Oh yes.” She is sure the Caretakers would not object, that their duty and devotion to care for the ancient site would extend even to... former Jedi. And as for Luke.... she hesitates, and feels Ben’s doubt.

“I’m not exactly sure how these force apparitions work, whether Luke would still be there, or what. But if he is... yes. I think you would be welcome.”

“Okay.” He pauses, still nervous, but also determined. “I think... I’d like to talk to him.”


	2. Rey and Chewbacca

Rey returns from Exegol to a full blown celebration. Landing on Ajan Kloss is a relief that she doesn’t fully feel until she pops the canopy to the heavy jungle air. This feels like home now, these are her people, her family. How she wishes Ben could have joined her, been welcomed into this family. It should have been his all along, she thinks, full again of sorrow for him, for the boy he had been, what he had lost. 

She finds Finn and Poe easily, and in their embrace finally feels the weight of what has happened, what she has done. What they have all done, together. Rose joins them soon after, and they cling to each other for a long time as friends and comrades celebrate and mourn around them.

When they pull apart Rey can tell they want to know what happened, everything, but she’s just not ready. She knows she has to tell them, knows she will _want_ to tell them. But not yet. 

Finding Chewbacca suddenly feels so important. _Ben_. He needs to know about Ben. Deserves to know that the last Solo, the last Skywalker, isn’t gone. She gives Finn a tight squeeze. “I’m going to look for Chewie,” she tells them. Finn nods, moving to follow, but she stops him. “Give me a minute with him, alone. Please?” She can tell he’s reluctant to let her go, but of course, he does. He’s always so understanding, so protective of her. 

Chewie is, as expected, with the Falcon. Rey pauses as she approaches. He’s perched on a crate beside the boarding ramp, just... sitting. Not fixing, puttering, improving. Just sitting. She feels his sorrow even more intensely than her own. Han, Leia... more than a lifetime of losses for a lifetime like his. She approaches him slowly, hesitating to intrude on his private pain, and yet. He’s the one who helped her get to the _Supremacy_. He sealed her into that coffin, launched her into a war zone, without question. Afterward, tracked her in Snoke’s escape shuttle, picked her up, and registering her sadness, her disappointment, asked not one question. He believes in Ben. Wants him back, even after Han, after everything he’s done. 

She sits down next to him, leaning into his shaggy warmth. He lifts an arm over her shoulder, welcoming her in. They sit in silence for a time, breathing together. She isn’t sure how to begin, where to start with everything that has happened. She finally decides on the most direct route: the truth. 

“Chewie.... I want you to know,” she says quietly. “Ben is alive.” He starts, jerking back to look into her eyes. She feels his confusion, his surprise, but then...hope. “It’s so much to explain, I barely understand it myself. But Kylo Ren... died. On Kef Bir, on the old Death Star. There’s no other way to explain it. And Ben... came back. He followed me to Exegol, he helped me defeat... the Emperor.” Back home now, with the exhilaration wearing off, she finds she can’t say his name, barely acknowledging to herself that they’re connected, let alone anyone else. But she takes a deep breath and continues, “and then, he saved my life. He’s alive, Chewie. Ben is back.” She feels tears prick her eyes at the truth of it, the amazing truth. 

_Kylo Ren is dead._

_Ben Solo is alive._

Chewie, still looking at her, moans a question. “He went to Ahch-To. It seemed like a safe place... to figure things out.” Chewie huffs in surprise. “He couldn’t come here, Chewie. We both know that. What he’s done, what he’s been a part of. No one else would welcome him, no one else would understand.” 

She feels Chewie shrug, nod: accepting. She sighs, the uncertainty, the weight of the future heavy upon her. “But I wanted you to know... I knew you would understand.” He whuffs in response, an agreement, an appreciation. She feels some of his sorrow lift, a touch of hope coming into his soul. He warbles again, and she agrees. “Yes. Leia would be glad. Han too.” At this, her tears begin to fall in earnest, and he joins her in sorrow. Leia. She never got see her son, but they both know she would be so pleased that he had returned.

They sit together a while longer, and as her tears abate, Chewie warbles again. “See him? I don’t know...” she pauses. Of course she wants to see him again, but there is so much between them. So much to figure out. “I... haven’t thought too far ahead. There’s a lot to do here, and he has so much to...” she trails off, not sure what to say. 

Chewie looks at her again, studying her in his thoughtful way. His question takes her by surprise. “I...” she sighs. “Yes. I do... care... about him. I do.” Admitting it to Chewie is surprisingly easy. She’s spent the last year denying it, even to herself. She’d been so _angry_ at him... so hurt. Saying it out loud lifts a weight off her soul. Chewie wraps her in a hug, pulling her in so tightly that she feels more than hears his rumbled reply. _Good_.


	3. Ben and Rey

Ben finds the trip Ahch-To surprisingly easy. After all the trouble he went through to locate the map, to find Skywalker, he is suddenly here. He recognizes it immediately. It’s the island he saw in her mind, that first time. 

Rey provided specific instructions, and he finds himself landing the ancient TIE on the same ledge that the Falcon had perched on. He had been apprehensive about bringing an Imperial vessel to the island, and entered the atmosphere with his senses on full alert. But no one seemed to notice him. It was still strange, using the light side of the force, like a weak muscle he had forgotten he even had. It comes easier than the dark, flows more naturally through him, less disruptive, less forceful. But also without the rush of power, the sense of control, of dominance. 

He marvels at the beauty of the place, the sea, the salt air. So green. He smiles to think what Rey, the desert scavenger, would have made of it all. Remembering the time the bond opened upon her playing, positively playing, in the rain. 

He stands for a time on the landing, still favoring his injured leg, taking in all the steps that stretch before him. He adamantly refused to let Rey heal him before they parted. She was so weak, he wouldn’t risk it. Risk her. He doesn’t relish the pain, as he would have... _before._ But he doesn’t resent it either. It is a small bit of penance, barely a drop of the suffering he knows he deserves. But he also feels a bit of relief, strangely. The pain reminds him that he’s alive. So much more than he deserves. He sighs. No where to go but up.

He reaches the edge of the village, a long climb up uneven steps, and stops, catching his breath. A group of island natives, the Lanai, _Caretakers_ , Rey had called them, approach, pausing a good distance away, watching him. They seem to be considering, appraising... but then he senses a collective shrug and they turn back to their work. He takes this as approval, or at least acceptance, of his presence, and begins to explore the little village. 

There is no way to tell which hut had been hers. The damage has been completely repaired, no evidence of Luke’s destruction has been left behind. He finds one that may have been Luke’s, with a scrap of X-wing for a door, and some personal effects stacked neatly in a corner. He chooses a different one for himself, with several windows for sunlight and a view of the ocean. 

He brings in the meager supplies from the TIE: an emergency blanket, a basic med pack. It’s an old vessel and the Empire hadn’t cared too much for its pilots anyway. He frowns, contemplating what to do about food and water, when he hears a scraping on the step outside the door. A Caretaker is setting down a tray with a water skin and a bowl of something steaming. He rises awkwardly, smiling his thanks, but she is already turning away. 

Realizing suddenly that he is famished, he eats, slowly, still amazed to be here. Now. Too stunned to even consider what might come next. As soon as he’s done he lies down on the stone bench, not even registering how hard it is, barely taking the time to pull the blanket over himself. 

*****************

He awakens to sunlight streaming through a crack in the wall. He has not slept so soundly in years. He sits up, trying to get his bearings, disoriented in his new surroundings, when Rey appears. His heart thrills at the sight of her. Here. The bond works just like before.

“Ben! It still works! I wasn’t sure, after everything...” Her smile is so bright, so... pleased. Her voice is a melody to his ears, wrapped in a harmony of hope, and half-remembered dreams, and possibilities. “Did you, are you, just waking up?” 

“It’s.... yes. You?” He clears his throat, suddenly flustered. 

“Me? Um, no, it’s late here, I’m... exhausted. But, I wanted to... see you. Check on you, I mean? How are you? You got there all right? Do you need anything?” She is rambling now, almost... nervous? 

So much had... happened on Exegol. So much had changed. The verbal sparring with Kylo Ren had become easy. Instinctual. But Ben Solo is a stranger... until he smiles, that grin again, and she melts, actually sinks down to sit on her bed, across from where he is still sitting on his. 

“I’m... fine,” he says, and though so much is unknown, it’s the truth. “Better than fine, really. I found a hut, the Caretakers brought me some food, I slept for hours. And you’re here. I’m... really good.” He wants to reach out to her, take her hand. But... things are different now. He isn’t sure how to do this, with her, anymore. No longer adversaries. 

Now it’s her turn to smile, looking away shyly and brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes. “I’ve been... waiting for you. I mean, trying to open the bond. I’ve never really tried to control it, open it on purpose. But, I wanted to make sure you got there ok... that you were... ok.”

He smiles, running a hand through his hair. “I’m ok. My leg is a bit sore-“. 

“Oh!” She remembers. “Yes! I’ve got something for you, for that.” She reaches out of his view and brings back a medpack, much newer and more complete than his. “I thought, probably, we could pass things, like....with the lightsaber?” 

She flushes slightly, remembering, but he is astounded. “Rey! That’s brilliant! I... hadn’t thought of that working here.” Not that he could ever forget about the lightsaber, his whole being had expanded in that moment as the bond between them came alive like never before. 

Rey is looking at him, cheeks still pink, pure wonder on her face.

“What is it?” he asks gently. 

“You’re so... different.” She isn’t sure how to put it into words. He looks... alive, in a way that Kylo Ren never had. His inflections, his gestures, even his face. But she recognizes his eyes. They are as intense as ever, imploring her to see into his soul. She feels suddenly exposed, and bites her lip slightly, worrying it between her teeth. 

This man she thought she knew better than anyone is a stranger before her. She reaches out slowly, just as she did that first time, across the fire, and puts a hand near to his cheek, not quite touching him as she runs her thumb over where that precious scar had been.

“You’re exactly the same,” he says, drinking her in with his eyes, savoring the warmth of her hand just a hair’s breadth from his face. “Exactly as I’ve...” He trails off.

He reaches up slowly and takes her hand in his. The effect of their touch through the bond is not as shocking as the first time, but still that live-wire intensity courses between them, briefly. He brings her hand down, then lets go, reluctantly, his eyes never leaving hers. He clears his throat. 

“I’m not... who I was. But I don’t know who I... am now. You’re not... you’re under no obligation...” _To me._ He sends the words that are stuck in his heart straight to her mind. _You don’t have to stay with me.  
_

She doesn’t take his hand again, but she holds his gaze steady. “I still don’t understand this, this dyad business.” Her voice is calm, composed. “And I’m not sure what to do with it, or how this,” she gestures between them, “even works, with... everything, the way it is... but, I’d like to find out. Who you are. I’d like to... get to know you.”

He grins then, and happiness swirls around them in the force. Her smile matches his, and for a moment he can’t breathe. Then he sobers. “I don’t deserve you.” 

“Well...,” She is shy again, looking away, then back. “I guess we’ll find out, won’t we.”

They stare at each other for a long moment as the force hums between them, brimming with possibilities. 

“Ok...” she takes a deep breath, then shakes her head slightly, as if clearing it. “Well then, here’s some ration bars, a change of clothes, a shaving kit...” she is suddenly embarrassed again. “I wasn’t quite sure what you would need. Tell me, and I can probably get it.”

“You... picked out clothes for me?” He asks quietly.

“Well, yours are a bit dirty... and torn... sorry about that. I had to guess at the size, but they are black at least.” She turns her gaze away, trying not to look too closely at his... clothes. 

“Thank you,” he says simply, and she looks back at him. “You’re welcome.” 

“And don’t feel like you have to shave. You’re free now, of that mask, I mean. And military regulations, right? So, live it up!” She laughs to cover her nervousness. She is rambling again.

He smiles, suddenly wondering how she feels about beards.

“We’ll see...” he says quietly, absently running his own thumb down his jaw, holding her gaze with his own until her eyes drift down to his chin. His heart skips and he swallows hard. Her eyes jerk back up to his and she flushes bright pink. _Beautiful._

She shakes her head, at him, at herself, laughing lightly. “I think I’m about delirious with exhaustion. So, take these,” she says, dumping the supplies in his lap. “My guess is, you have to be holding onto them when the bond closes, in order to keep them on your side, so we’ll have to do some... experimenting?” And here she blushes again, brighter than before. 

He smiles. “I’m up for that,” his eyes suddenly intense on hers. 

“But don’t get rid of that sweater,” she adds. 

“What?” He looks down at himself. 

“Keep the sweater. I want it.” She swallows, looking at him boldly now. “As a souvenir.” 

He pushes aside the gear, moving to take it off, give it to her.

“Not now!” She panics. “Don’t take it off now! Just.. give it to me next time.”

He smiles, a little too smugly for her taste....“Next time. Got it.”

She nods primly, then gestures to the pile of gear again. “Pick it up, I’m going to try... closing the bond. Hold onto your stuff.”

He obeys, piling it in his lap, then meeting her eyes again. 

“Ok, then. Well, until... next time.” She smiles, and he nods. “Next time.”

She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and is gone. 

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine that Rey and Kylo spent most of the time between TLJ and TROS trying to ignore each other, (with Kylo halfheartedly harassing her now and then, with varying success) and that one of the first things Rey wanted to learn in her Jedi training (after Crait) was how to shield her mind from him. So figuring out how to exhibit some control over the bond would be a new prospect. And since she’s been more focused on keeping him out for the past year, she already has a head start in controlling it. 
> 
> My interpretation of the force bond includes the idea that physical touch allows them to see more of the other’s surroundings, and would allow other people to see them, based on Luke being able to see Kylo when he bursts into the hut on Ahch-To. Passing objects has obvious precedence, although the Kijimi scene muddies the water a bit, with the berries, and then the helmet, going back and forth a bit unpredictably. 
> 
> And of course, in the end, it’s all made up. So why not have some fun with it?


	4. Rey and Ben

Rey is delighted to discover that they can initiate their bond at will. As far as she can tell, they have to both be awake, and... willing. And alone. But they quickly figure out how to... knock on the door, almost. A nudge, through the force, directed to him. A sort of buzzing in the back of her mind when he’s reaching out to her. But his... presence is always with her, like a window in her mind. Even with the curtain drawn, the sunlight filters through.

The next time they speak Rey is beginning to recover. She has slept, and eaten, some, and the weight of the past few days... weeks... is finally settling upon her.

“Want to tell me what happened to my TIE? I don’t think you’d have survived if it was... accidental.” Ben’s voice is arch, eyebrow raised, but she senses at least a bit of amusement, underneath. “That’s two you owe me.”

“Hey now, you were asking for it with the first one! What did you expect me to do, just stand there?” She’s not backing down on that.

He concedes with a nod of the head and a wicked gleam in his eye. But he’s still waiting for an answer.

“Oh...” Right. “Um, believe it or not, it wasn’t personal. The second one. I was... giving up.” She feels sheepish now, remembering. “I was going to stay on the island, permanently. And I didn’t trust myself to follow through if I had a way out. So....” she shrugs, pursing her lips. “It was tough, though. Flew like a dream. Although, did you notice the hesitation in the port ventral thrust?”

He’s amazed by her all over again. “Of course. Put too much delay on the vertical compensator. They couldn’t see it on the readings, tried to tell me it was within tolerances, but...”

She nods. “I am sorry I... stole it. And left you stranded. But you didn’t really leave me much choice. At the time.” She doesn’t try to manufacture much guilt.

“Ah. I suppose you might remember it that way...” He trails off. “But I'm glad you at least appreciated its worth. It was an amazing ship. Prototype. Priceless. Well, all right, not priceless. But worth every penny.” He’s teasing her now. She thinks.

She smiles, shrugs again. “Sorry. You can bill it to the Resistance.”

“Hm.” He grumbles shortly. “In that case I’ll write it off as a loss.” He’s definitely teasing now. She is delighted. He had always been in control of their conversations, but there is such a lightness now, an effortless ease to their back and forth. She revels in it.

“How’s your leg?” She now thinks to ask.

“Better. Thanks. The bacta helped. I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you... heal it. Sooner. But really, it’s better now.”

She nods, accepting. “It was probably... good, that you didn’t let me. Once the adrenaline wore off... I was more exhausted than I realized.”

He nods, appreciating her acknowledgment of what was so obvious to him.

“So, I wanted to tell you...” she’s nervous now, and he smiles, encouraging. He wants to hear whatever he can from her, know anything about her that she’s willing to give him.

“There’s going to be a memorial, tonight. For your mother, and the... others. Ben.. come, please.”

“Rey.” He blinks at her. His skepticism is palpable. “What? No.”

“Not really come, just, be with me. I’ll stand in the back, out of the way. Just let me draw you here, like... that first time. So you can hear. How much your mother was... loved.”

He’s still shaking his head. “No, Rey. On so many levels. No.” He’s truly surprised she’s even suggesting it.

“Ben...” she sighs. “I know you’ll never get to see her again, but wouldn’t it help, maybe, to hear, to remember, who she was, what she did? What she meant to people?”

“Rey,” he’s trying not to be exasperated, frustrated with her. He can’t even imagine living with the level of compassion she carries, for him, for everyone. It’s not just a feeling, for her it’s an _action_. “I know... quite well how much other people... loved her. And how much she... sacrificed. For them.” His feeling of abandonment, that childhood ache, floods the bond, even as he tries to shield it from her.

And suddenly Rey realizes. Of course. She’s craved a family her whole life. He has a similar, opposite ache: that his family is more devoted to their causes than to him. Both abandoned in their own way.

“Ben,” tears fill her eyes. “I’m so sorry.” She’s hit with her own selfishness. She hadn’t even considered how painful it would be for him, not just the reminder of his mother’s death, but of her... choices.

“Rey, no,” he’s gentle now in the face of her pain. “I’m sorry too. I... wish I could. I wish I could be there, for her. And for...you. But I’m just not ready yet.” He works his jaw, trying to find the words. Frowns instead.

“I’m still... always surprised by your compassion,” he continues. “The galaxy has treated you so poorly, and yet, you’re so... kind.” He is amazed, and feeling again thoroughly unworthy of her affection. His voice turns bitter.

“They’re all dead because of me anyway. It’s all my fault. I have no... right... to mourn.” He turns his face away from her, and an aching chasm of his regret... remorse... guilt... opens between them.

“No, Ben.” She is firm, her tears stemmed now by conviction. “It’s not your fault. It was him... Palpatine —Snoke, the Sith, all of them. Not. You.”

“I was complicit, Rey,” he says mildly, his tone belying the pain roiling underneath. “I can’t pretend I wasn’t.” He reaches out to her, ghosting his hand down her upper arm, wishing desperately that things were different. Everything. Anything.

She holds her breath, afraid to move, afraid she might scare him away. She is amazed that after everything he’s been through, everything that’s been done to him, he’s still so gentle with her. So understanding.... she raises her head to look at him, smiling now through the tears. So tall.

“Thank you,” she says.

“For what?” He asks, reaching up as though to brush a lock of hair out of her eyes, but stopping short. Remembering.

“Just...” she’s mesmerized by his eyes, the simple pleasure of his gaze on her. She shrugs. “Everything.”

He nods. “Of course. Anything. And I am sorry. But, no.”

She nods quickly, understanding now, but also reminded again of the depths of his trauma. What he’s done, and what’s been done to him.

“I’ll keep my end of our...bond... closed. Tonight. I don’t want to burden you.”

“Rey,” his voice cracks slightly and seeps truth. “You are never a burden to me.”


	5. Rey, Finn, Poe, and Rose

They have a bonfire the night of the memorials. Several fires, actually, scattered on the plain to the east of the main base. There are speeches, and drinks, and the memories fly as fast and furious as the tears, and there are too many to count but each one is remembered, honored.

_Leia_ , of course, though she would insist on receiving the same treatment as any other fallen soldier.

_Nien Nunb_ , faithful to the Rebellion until the end.

_Snap Wexley_. Rey will miss his easy smile, his quick willingness to jump into anything. Her heart breaks to see Karé, eyes red rimmed, her face blank beyond grief, supported between Norra and Wedge.

So many others. So many losses.

Rey stays true to her word and keeps the curtain on their bond tightly drawn. She feels Ben retreat, and she knows he’s trying to make it easier on her. The memorials allow her finally to release her grief, and she spends a long time alone, weeping, sobbing under the vine-crossed sky, where there aren’t nearly enough stars. She does miss the desert, at night.

She finds Finn and Rose at one of the bonfires, and they welcome her in without words, each lost in their own thoughts. But when Poe ambles over Rey knows it’s time. To tell her friends the truth. To trust them with the truth. They haven’t pressured her for details, or asked her for anything, since her return from Exegol. But they deserve to know. She wants them to know.

“I’m ready.” Her voice, stronger than she feels, startles them all in the quiet crackling of the fire. “To tell you what happened.”

Poe looks surprised but turns to face her. Rose cocks her head at Rey, full of sympathy and a sad smile on her face as Finn straightens up and puts an arm lightly around her shoulders. “You don’t have to, Rey. We haven’t asked, I mean, we don’t want to pressure you, right guys?”

He looks around at the others, nodding for their encouragement, but Rose and Poe are silent. Rey feels his nervousness on her behalf, and she smiles gently.

“It’s ok. I need to tell you. I want to.”  
He nods then, removing his arm from her shoulders but keeping right by her side. She is glad for his warmth. Even in the heat of the bonfire she can feel the chill of that stone floor, the oppression of the dark side, in that place where she... where she had...

Now she’s nervous. “Where to start....”

“Well, Rey, the last place we saw you was stealing that skiff, at the...Death Star. You could start there....” Poe, ever the tactician.

“Right. Sorry about that,” Rey feels a bit chagrined. Company 77 had welcomed them in and then she had stolen their boat. Poe chuckles, but Finn waves her off. “They’re working with us now, we’ll get them some new equipment.”

“Ok, yeah, well...” the vision. Of herself. Does she need to tell them about that, now? Falling to the darkness had been her biggest fear. But that has passed. Everything is different now.

“It just felt, so... urgent, to get there. Something was calling to me. Pulling me in.” She sighs. That part was true. But now she isn’t sure what had been calling her. The hidden Wayfinder? The spirit of her...grandfather? She shudders at that thought, and Finn scoots closer, putting an arm around her again. Or, had it actually been... Kylo... who was calling to her?

“I found the Wayfinder, it was there, in a vault in the .... Emperor’s throne room. And... Kylo Ren was there, waiting for me.”

Finn narrows his eyes, and Rey feels his disgust. “That snake. Rey, the way he’s obsessed with you, it’s creepy. Following you around the galaxy....”

“Finn....” she looks at him, imploring. “Let me... you need to know what happened.”

“Sorry, yeah, go on.”

“He destroyed the Wayfinder, and crushed it, and... we fought.” She sighs, thinking back. It seems so long ago now.

“It wasn’t like any... fight we’ve had before. He was... toying with me. He wasn’t angry or raging, he was completely in control, but he wouldn’t... finish it. And I...” She sighs again, gathering herself to continue. “He had been following me around the galaxy, you’re right. Trying to convince me to turn to the dark side. To... meet him there.”

Finn shakes his head again, disgusted. “Rey. You’re nothing like him. You never could be.”

“Finn...” she smiles. She appreciates what he’s trying to do, to say, even as it actually hurts more.

“Thank you. But...” oh, this is surely the hardest part. “Leia....” And here a sob catches in her throat. Leia. She has just begun to mourn for her mentor, her friend. Leia had been like a mother to her this past year. Rey appreciates that more now than ever, even as she recognizes her hurt that Leia hid from her the truth of... Palpatine.

She closes her eyes, breathing through sudden sobs, centering herself. Her friends, waiting patiently. She hadn’t realized until this moment how dear they are to her.

After a long silence, just her shaky breathing and the crackling fire, sparks drifting up into the night sky, she continues. “Leia...reached out. To... her son. To Kylo, as she was dying. I felt it too. I think....I think she knew those were her last moments, and she wanted to spend them... with him. To try one last time. To reach her son.” Tears fill her eyes again, but now they are tears of gratitude. Joy. It had worked. _It had worked_.

Finn pats her leg. “We’re all going to miss her.” Rose has tears trailing down her cheeks, and even Poe’s eyes are glistening in the firelight.

Rey takes a deep breath. “And in that moment ...Kylo...” It’s already hard to think of him by that name anymore.  
“He felt her die, and it distracted him. He dropped his saber, and I grabbed it, and... I ran him through. I got him.” She is dazed now, speaking almost as if in a trance, reliving that moment as a vision.

Poe and Finn are nodding: impressed, satisfied. “You won, Rey. You finally got him.”

“No!” She is sobbing again, the guilt overcoming her. How can there be any more tears left in her? “No! I didn’t want to win! In that moment I turned to the dark side. I became exactly what I’ve feared all along. I struck at him in anger, in hatred, in the moment of his greatest weakness, I...”

“But Rey, it’s what he would have done!”  
“It’s what he deserved!”

“But it’s not... it’s not what I do! It’s not who I am, it’s not who I want to be! It’s not the... Jedi way.” Tears roll down her face. How to get them to understand how far to the darkness she had gone in that moment? How deeply, instantly, she had regretted it.

“He was... crushed. He knew he was dying, that I had killed him, and he... accepted it...” She shudders again, remembering her horror, in that moment. “I could see it in his eyes. He knew it was nothing less than he deserved. But... Leia had given her life for him. It wasn’t mine to take. So... I healed him.”

“What?” Finn pulls back, scrutinizing her face. Poe is surprised, disappointed even. Rey looks at them, imploring them to understand. But Rose, sweet Rose, is thoughtful, considering. “You’re right, Rey. That’s not who you are.”

“Well, don’t be so surprised,” she tries to smile through her tears, still trying to reach Poe and Finn, make them understand that urgency, the necessity of what she’d done. “I’ve healed a snake before... you were there.”

Finn rolls his eyes, shaking his head in exasperation. Poe sighs. “I didn’t get it that time either, but.. it did work out for us. It was the right thing to do. Then,” he adds pointedly, eyebrow raised. But then he shrugs.

Finn is aghast. “She could have finished off Kylo Ren, Poe! Taken him out!” but Rose shushes him. “Go on, Rey.”

“Well, that’s just it. I mean, Kylo Ren died-“  
“but you just said-“  
“and Ben Solo... came back. Was reborn.”

She looks into the fire, not ready to meet her friends’ eyes, as they stare at her in stunned silence. Then they all speak at once.

“Rey... what?”  
“What does that even...”  
“Rey. He’s a monster, a murderer.”

She cuts them off. “I know. Trust me, I know as well as anyone. Better than anyone. I’ve... been in his head. But I’ve also... seen... more than anyone. Of who he is, who he was.” _Who he wants to be_. “I knew Ben Solo was still in there. Leia _knew._ ”

“Rey. You can't possibly think...” Finn is still flabbergasted, pulling his arm off her shoulder, turning to look her in the eyes.

But Poe interrupts. “Where is he now?”

“Well, that’s just it.... there’s more I need to tell you. So much more...”

Rey takes another breath. “It scared me, so much, the darkness inside me, that I decided to run away. Just like...Luke.” She laughs mournfully, at herself, as if her friends’ expressions could be any more shocked. “I went back to his island. I took... Kylo’s TIE, and I went to the island. I burned the ship and I was going to stay there, forever, like Luke. Avoiding the truth. Saving the galaxy from... myself.” She shakes her head, remembering her panic in that time, her desperation. “But, then, Luke... appeared. He.... convinced me otherwise. That’s it’s not who we are that matters, but the choices we make.”

“Rey...” Finn is studying her closely, and Rey is surprised to feel him reaching out to her through the Force, gauging her, probably unconsciously, but effectively. She makes a mental note to talk to him about that, later. “What do you mean, ‘who we are?’”

She sighs. But, as she looks at her friends, surrounded by their warmth, their love, it suddenly doesn’t seem as hard to face as she had expected. “It turns out... Palpatine... he was my grandfather.”

She is met with stunned silence, but, as she reaches out, cautiously trying to read her friends’s reactions, she finds... Dismay. Sorrow. Even sympathy. But none of the fear, the revulsion, that she had expected. She looks each of them in the eye, trying to convey her gratitude.

It’s Rose who breaks the silence. “How did you... find out? I mean, are you sure?”  
Rey smiles at her friend. “I’m sure. Kylo told me.”

“Rey! How can you trust him?” Finn is quick to protest.

She shakes her head. “Luke confirmed it. He knew. So did... Leia.” Her heart aches at that truth. Why hadn’t she told her? “But... I believe it. It’s true. It explains... so much. So, I decided to remove myself from the galaxy, from the evil that I knew was lurking right below the surface. But Luke convinced me that... I might be the only one who could really defeat him. And that would be a better legacy to leave the galaxy.”

She looks at them again, each in turn, as Poe nods and Rose smiles, encouraging. Finn is still confused, so protective. But, she’s so thankful to feel, he’s not afraid of her, not shutting her out.

“So... I got the Wayfinder out of the TIE, and Luke produced his old X-wing.” That part still made no sense to her, how it had escaped corrosion at the bottom of the sea for all those years. And hadn’t he used part of it as a door on his hut?  
“And I went to Exegol, and... found Palpatine. He wanted to make me his...heir.” She shudders. “He said that if I killed him, in anger, he would be able to...inhabit my body. I would become... empress.” She still isn’t sure of the details of that part. Maybe Ben will have some insight.

Finn is aghast. “Rey. That is insanely creepy,” he says, as Poe whistles, “This story keeps getting better and better.”

Rey shakes her head, feigning exasperation but secretly relived that they are taking this so well. Maybe they could even come to understand about Ben.

“I fought against him, I really did, but... he was too strong. I couldn’t do anything. But then...” she takes a deep breath. “Ben arrived.”

“What?”  
“Kylo Ren, Rey.”

“No.” She is adamant now. “Ben. Solo. Kylo Ren is gone. Dead. And Ben came, and he faced down his own knights, he fought to get to me, and he helped me defeat Palpatine. He saved my life.” _He came back for me_. Tears prick her eyes again, remembering. Seeing him there, bathed in the glow of the sapphire saber, his eyes on hers, his face shining at her as Kylo Ren never had.

“Rey...are you sure it wasn’t one of those, ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend’ things? I mean, he wanted Palpatine defeated, Kylo wanted his fleet...” Finn seems almost as though he’s trying to let her down gently.

“No, Finn.” She’s the one who’s gentle now, trying to make him see. “He actually saved my life. Fighting Palpatine, defeating him... I... died.” Rose gasps, and even Poe grimaces. “Ben... healed me. Not just healed me. Brought me back _from death_.”

“Rey. Why? Why would he do that? Doesn’t he...hate you?” Finn is truly mystified.

“He doesn’t hate me. And I don’t know why, exactly... maybe he regretted trying to turn me, all those times we... fought.” She looks into the fire, suddenly embarrassed, not ready to consider the reasons he had saved her. Rose looks at her curiously but says nothing. Even Poe is thoughtful, but Finn isn’t convinced.

Should she tell them about the dyad? She doesn’t even understand it herself. She hesitates, whether from the leading of the force or her own fear she isn’t sure, but then the moment passes.

“Can the dark side... heal people?” Poe speaks up, still cataloging the facts.

“No! At least, I don’t think so,” Rey says. “But that’s even more proof, he’s changed. I think he learned it from me, when I healed him. We’ve... shared skills before.”

Finn snorts in disbelief. “ _Shared_ , Rey? Is that what you call it when he violates your mind? Strips your most vulnerable memories?”

“I’m telling you,” Rey looks Finn in the eye. “Kylo Ren is dead. Ben Solo... he’s different. He’s chosen the light.”

Finn softens, shaking his head. “Rey... I mean, I get it. You’re grateful to him. He did a good thing... That’s great that he saved you. I’m really glad. But, Rey. He must have had a reason that suited his own ends.”

She shrugs, glad they can’t see her heart flip over in her chest. _The dyad_. “Maybe...”

“So, um, where is he now?” Rose speaks over the silence.

“He... left Exegol, in the old TIE fighter he used to get there. And I came here.” Rey is hesitant.

“Do you know where he went?” Poe asks, and Rey hears and feels his suspicion.

Rey considers lying. For a moment. For a greater cause. But these are her friends, her best friends. She wants to trust them. “I... have an idea,” she says slowly. Then rushes on. “But, I can promise you, he’s no threat. To us, or the galaxy. He just wants to be... left alone.” This feels disingenuous, but it is accurate, as far as the Resistance is concerned.

“I’ll tell anyone who asks that Kylo Ren is dead, and I killed him. It’s the truth.” She’s firm now. “That’s all anyone outside this circle needs to know. And Chewie,” she adds. “He knows.”

“Rey. You’re telling me you know where the most hated man in the galaxy, the head of the evil empire that we’ve just begun to subdue, the war criminal of the decade, is hiding out, and you’re covering for him?” Finn is _furious_. Even Poe looks surprised. Rose is quiet, still that curious look on her face.

“I am.” She says plainly. “Either you trust me, or you don’t.”

The fire crackles as they sit, throwing out sparks that remind her for a moment of Snoke’s throne room. Rey deliberately turns her focus inward, not trying to search out her friends’ feelings, giving them that privacy, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Finn stares at her a long time. She avoids his eyes, gently erecting barriers in her mind, not sure if he knows how to control his searching of her feelings, but not wanting him reading her all the same. There is too much still swirling within her, more than she can answer for if he asks.

Finally Poe speaks. “Look, Rey. I don’t understand why you’re so set on defending Kylo Ren. It sounds from your story like you’re squared up, you both saved each other’s lives. You don’t owe him anything. But...” Poe sighs, shakes his head as though he can hardly believe what he’s saying.

“Leia believed in him. She never gave up on him. And if you can guarantee me that he’s no threat, to us, or anyone.”

She nods, emphatic.

“So... I mean, force knows we don’t have the resources to chase him around the galaxy. The Emperor’s fleet is destroyed, but there’s a lot of First Order left to deal with. It will be easier without having to contend with Ren. And if we did catch him, how would we even hold onto him? What kind of prison can hold that guy? And ugh, there’d have to be a trial... we’re so far from that.” He pauses here, but then determination enters his voice.  
“But if I hear one whisper that Kylo Ren is back, whether gathering forces, or even just, I don’t know, renting a starship. I’m going after him. With everything.”

She nods. “I would expect nothing less.” Her eyes are steel in the firelight. “And if that does happen, you can count on me to lead the charge. And... I’ll finish the job.” Poe stares at her a long moment, then nods once, satisfied for now. He leans back against a log, staring into the fire.

Rose nods too, but Finn. Finn is still staring at Rey as though she’s a stranger. As though she is lost to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's some debate over whether Nien Nunb died. In the movie it's pretty obvious.


	6. Luke and Ben

“They’re feeding you, I see.”

Ben looks up, startled, and there he is. Luke. 

“The Caretakers. They did me too, at first,” he continues. “But it trickled off after a while. Eventually you’ll have to fend for yourself. I hope you like fish.” 

Ben stares, no idea where to begin with his uncle, who after everything that has happened is here, now, joking about... food. 

Luke waits quietly, surveying the surroundings. The cliff where they stand had always been a favorite of his. He rather misses this place. Although, in many ways, he hasn’t actually left.

“Why are you here?” Ben asks finally: defensive, curious, accusatory. All of it. 

That earns him a classic skeptical Luke look. Raised eyebrows. “Hey, that’s my line. _I_ live... here,” he says, waving his hand vaguely around, “so to speak. The force power of this place, it’s... hard to leave. Not impossible. But hard.”

“So do you, it would seem,” Luke adds after a beat. “Live here, that is.”

Luke pauses, assessing his nephew, really considering him, for the first time since... that day, the end of everything he thought he knew. Gone are the perpetually clenched fists, the veneer of control barely masking the roiling rage inside. His whole demeanor is different, and even with the tension of seeing his uncle again, his face and limbs are relaxed. He’s not braced for a fight. And, Luke realizes with a start, that scar is gone.

Ben doesn’t know where to begin. There is so much he wants to say. Ask. Confess. Accuse. And he hadn’t expected Luke would appear so soon, that he would even initiate contact.

Luke continues as though they are in the middle of a conversation, just catching up on old times. “Quite the antique you showed up in... I’m surprised it still flies... although, it is about the same age as another ship I recently saw fly out of here, and that one seemed to do ok.”

He pauses here, watching Ben. “Made it there... and back again..?” a slight question in his voice. Ben’s stomach flips, thinking of Rey. He doesn’t owe his uncle anything, not answers, reassurance, comfort... but. He takes a slow breath, and finds... he doesn’t hate him. Actually wants to tell him... maybe not everything. But so much.

“Don’t worry. Your rebel rust bucket is fine.” 

Luke snorts. “Good to hear.” The change in his nephew is unmistakable. This is not Kylo Ren. The tempest that had defined Ben Solo’s soul since before he was born is... still. 

“And... Rey?” He asks, the first to say her name. That astonishing girl who appeared out of _nowhere_ and changed all their lives.

“She... survived,” he says, looking away briefly, thinking of her.

_“_ Well, I know that much through the force,” Luke is wry again. “We did help her out a bit, at the end there. And so did you, it seems.” Ben is struck suddenly by a burst of awe coming from his uncle. He looks up, startled at receiving anything but judgement, censure from him. 

Ben doesn’t know where to begin with that part. _I gave up my life for her, but somehow we both survived, and now... what?_

He settles for the facts. “She took your old clunker back to the Resistance... but obviously I couldn’t go with her... We didn’t think that would be... wise.” Luke snorts again, that Skywalker sarcasm, but quietly notes the use of _we_. 

“So, I came here. It seemed like a good place to...” Heal? Repent? Drown in his own guilt? “Start. I hope you don’t mind,” he adds as an afterthought. 

“Mind?” Luke is surprised. “Not at all. It’s not my island. And it is rather lonely here. I mean, sure, we could play sabacc...” Ben smiles slightly. He had never liked that game.

_“_ But hanging out with me is probably not why you came,” Luke concedes graciously.

“Not exactly.... but... she did tell me you were here.”

Luke nods, accepting this. “I’ll... see you around, kid.”


	7. Ben and Chewbacca (and Rey)

When Rey reaches out to Ben several nights later, she is tense... excited might be a better word, but also nervous. He’d been settling in on the island, but seeing her, talking to her... it’s quickly becoming his lifeline. The strength of the bond increases each time they meet. 

“Hi,” she says shyly, but before he can ask, she rushes on: “Chewie is here... he’d like to talk to you.” 

Ben takes a step back. Of course she senses his apprehension, and adds quickly, “It’s good. It’s really good. Ben, he... he’s going back to Kashyyyk, to his family. But he’d really like to see you first. I told him, if we... touched” she pauses, clearing her throat, pressing on, “that you’d be drawn here, that he could see you. It’s all right, we’re alone.” They have been very careful with... physical contact through the bond, so far... sometimes Ben longs to hold her, feel her real and sold and as present in his arms as she is in his mind. But there’s a lot at risk right now. 

He looks away from her, processing, considering. Fearing. What could he possibly say to Chewbacca? After... Han. After everything. He had always loved the old Wookiee, and though Chewie had gone back to Kashyyyk when Ben was young, he had visited often, nearly as constant a presence in his young life as his parents. Perhaps more so, at times. 

But Ben can see now that he’d also been... jealous of Chewbacca, going on missions with Han, daring adventures Ben could only imagine, was never old enough for. He had craved the stories his father, or, usually, Lando, to his father’s chagrin, told of their early smuggling days, their secret missions and close calls with the Rebellion. Then Chewie had left, gone back home to help restore Kashyyyk.... and Ben had been sent away. 

Rey waits patiently, watching, but he can feel her hope, luring him in, convincing him to trust her. 

He sighs. He’s beginning to learn when he’s beaten. “Ok.” He reaches out his hand to her, then pauses. “You promise he’s not going to rip my arms off?”

“Ben!” She exclaims, laughing in spite of herself. “No. I promise. You promise, right, Chewie?” She says, reaching quickly for his hand before he can escape, and suddenly, he’s there. In her world.

They are in a nondescript conference room, not, thankfully, on the Falcon. He isn’t ready for that, and he feels a rush of gratitude that Rey would know. She squeezes his hand, feeling his relief, and his heart skips a beat. But there is Chewie, and suddenly Ben is fully enveloped in his furry arms. There aren’t many people in the galaxy who make him feel small, but Chewbacca is one of them. 

Ben tenses at first, surprised, nervous. He still isn’t used to being touched, full body contact, in any way other than combat, or torture... Rey squeezes his hand again, still holding on, and he finds himself relaxing into Chewie’s arms. The big Wookiee is muttering, purring almost, indistinct noises that Ben can feel rumbling through his chest. Chewie lifts one arm and pulls Rey in too, and Ben tenses a moment at having her so close, but she grips him tightly, folding their hands together against Chewie’s broad chest, and Ben’s eyes prick with tears. He takes a deep breath, then another, accepting and then savoring the warmth and affection that surround him. He deserves none of this. He knows it every day, every moment. Not the forgiveness of his father’s best friend, not the comfort of the woman he has hurt so many times. And yet...

They stand together for a few moments more, Ben soaking in the warmth that has been missing from his life for so long. Then Chewie releases them, pulling back, and Rey moves away slightly as well, although she keeps her grip tight on Ben’s hand. Chewie warbles, an inquiry, and Ben is suddenly embarrassed at how rusty his Shyriiwook is. He’s had no use for it in years. He blinks, parsing out the sounds he can recognize, trying through the Force to augment the meaning with the emotion behind it. _Ben, glad, back home._ Rey smiles, and Ben finds he does too. 

“I’m not sure where home is, anymore,” he says. “But... I’m working on it.” Chewie looks thoughtfully from him, to Rey, and back again. Rey blushes, a faint pink tint that strikes him as yet another miracle. She glances quickly at Ben and then away, and then back at Chewie, avoiding Ben’s gaze. He stares at her for a long moment, his fingers tingling where she still holds his tightly, and imagines for a brief moment making a home with her. It is too much to hope for. 

He blinks, clearing his head, and deliberately focuses on Chewie again, who is rumbling low in his chest... a chuckle, Ben realizes, and Rey’s blush turns from pink to red. Ben clears his throat. 

“Back to Kashyyyk, then,” he asks, desperate to turn the conversation. Chewie warbles a long rolling phrase, and Ben picks up _family, home, return, too long._ Chewie pauses, and his sadness fills Ben’s senses. First Han, now Leia. Chewie rumbles again, and Ben catches the idea. Chewie still has friends here at the Resistance, but no more family. It’s time to go home. 

Family... “Chewie...” Ben stops. He can’t do this. He can’t talk to his father’s best friend about his... murder. But Rey squeezes his hand, and Chewie is gazing down at him, peaceful, waiting. 

“About Han...” his throat chokes up with tears, with regret. “What I did, I did for a reason. I made a choice.... but... I wish I had made a different one. I can’t... change what I did. Who I was then. But, I’m trying to change who I am now.” A sob escapes his chest, and Rey entwines her fingers in his. He looks over at her to see tears slipping down her cheeks. Chewie regards him for a long moment... solid. Considering. Then he nods. _I know._ And Ben understands him clearly now. _That’s what he wanted. That’s why he went out there. To bring you home._

A comlink chirps, and Chewie rumbles, reaching into his bag. “Your ride?” Rey exclaims. “Why do you need a ride? What about the Falcon?” 

Chewbacca is indignant. _It’s not my ship!_ He seems just as surprised that Rey assumes he’s taking it as she is to realize he’s leaving it behind. 

“But... whose is it then?” Chewie fixes her with that inscrutable gaze. Looks from her, to Ben, and back again. Ben is stunned, still processing the thought of his father’s ship... then Chewie shrugs, and rumbles again with definite amusement. _I guess you two will have to figure that out._

Rey gapes in shock and surprise. Chewie gives her one last hug, then reaches up and ruffles Ben’s hair, warbling _Be good, kid._

Chewbacca gives them one last nod and leaves the room. Rey stares after him for a moment, until Ben speaks. “Thank you,” he says, and she turns to see his eyes glistening. “I don’t deserve... any of this. Him, you, any of it.” He stops here, overcome, and she squeezes his hand. 

“Well, I, for one, am glad the galaxy doesn’t always give us what we... deserve.”


	8. Ben and Luke

“So, Rey sent you here?”

Ben looks up, startled. He certainly didn’t expect Luke to return so soon.

He has been spending as much time as possible over the last few days outside, at any of the rocky ledges or grassy knolls that pepper the island. He is learning, again, finally, how to meditate in the light side, something he was never very good at. But it comes easier now. The force on Ahch-To is so present, so accessible, and finally, for the first time in his life, his mind is his own. The voices that had taunted him, that had made meditation so hard as a boy, are silent. 

Luke waits patiently, but expectantly. Ben narrows his eyes, and a muscle twitches in his jaw. Then he sighs. “It was my idea, actually. But she... agreed.”

“Huh. So you’ve already earned her trust.”

Ben considers this... all the times he had threatened her, put her in danger... told her the truth when no one else would, saved her life... “I suppose so,” he says wonderingly.

“I warned her, not to give herself to the dark side for a pair of pretty eyes.”  
Ben looks sharply at his uncle. “ _What_?”

But Luke continues as though he didn’t hear. “Looks like I should have had more faith in her... and you.” Ben wonders if this is an... apology? And then realizes with surprising clarity, he no longer feels the need for one.

“She is remarkable... are you and she...?” Luke leaves the words hanging, but there’s no doubt about the question. Ben looks away, swallowing hard, clenching his fists slightly, an old habit against the distraction that thinking of her always brings. He shakes his head. He honestly has no idea what they are right now. _You’re not alone. Neither are you_. That much is still true.

“Relax,” Luke says lightly. “I get it. She’s a pretty girl. If I were a bit younger myself...” Ben turns sharply, and Luke smiles wryly.... “Just checking.”

Luke seems to settle in now, leaning back against a rock. As though force apparitions get... tired? Ben is still shaking his head over the whole situation: Luke, this island, this... conversation.

“She fought for you, you know.” Luke continues. “Against me. When she left here. The first time,” he amends. “She stood up for you. That’s something.”

Ben sighs, fists relaxing. “That was a long time ago,” he says, his gaze falling to the lush green earth, remembering his last meeting with his uncle, a different plain: white, salt. “On Crait... I would have killed her,” he confesses.

“Oh, I know,” Luke says wryly. “I was there.” Ben looks up sharply, eyebrow raised.

“Well, you know what I mean,” Luke chuckles. He falls serious again, feeling the pain in his nephew. “You were heartbroken.”

“It was more than that,” Ben says, though Luke notes that he doesn’t deny it.

“After... Snoke, I...” He had killed Snoke for her. Not for the First Order, not even for himself. Saving her had been his only plan, his only thought. But then... “I chose the darkness. I felt that freedom, that power. I was finally in control of my own destiny. It felt like the first time in my life. And I chose the darkness.” _Over her_ , his heart convicts him, and he feels the flood of shame threaten to overwhelm him. How much could have been saved: lives, time, hurt, consequences. “And she chose the light.” _Over me_.

Luke is silent a moment, observing, as Ben turns back to face the sea. “Well... it seems that now you’ve chosen the light too. So,” he smiles, wryly, but also gently. “It shouldn’t be too hard to figure things out from there.” Ben’s heart catches in his chest at the thought. That there might be _hope_.

Luke clears his throat, and Ben remembers where he is. “Did you really come back from,” he waves a hand vaguely. “Wherever you are, out of concern for my... love life?”

“No... although, she is a remarkable girl,” he repeats. Then pauses... “Tell me about this ‘dyad.’ What do you know about it? How did you discover it?”

Ben looks up then, and Luke remembers suddenly the boy he had been. His young apprentice, an avid student of Jedi lore, so curious about the ways and workings of the Force. It was one of the few things that could pull young Ben out of his own head.

“Why, from you, of course,” Ben says, gratified to feel Luke’s surprise through the force. “All those hours you set me to studying those moldy old books. You’re telling me you hadn’t even read them yourself?”

Luke chuckles, so pleased to be having such a natural conversation with his nephew after so long. “Hey now, I was the master, it was my sworn duty to burden you with ancient knowledge.”

He sobers for a minute, thinking of how much of a burden those ancient teachings had become to Ben, how much pain they have caused them both. But Ben doesn’t notice, or at least, doesn’t react.

Ben continues, thoughtful now, scholarly. He did always love a problem to ponder. “There was a passage somewhere, short and obtuse, of course,” and he smiles as Luke graces him with an eye roll, “about Force dyads. I didn’t give it much thought at the time, but later, after I met... Rey, something Snoke said reminded me.”

_I needed to know,_ he thinks. _I needed to know what this was, between us, her and I._

“And after... everything that happened, after Crait, I started researching it. Snoke was gone, I didn’t need to guard my... suspicions... from him. And of course, the dyad concept is in... Sith... lore as well...” he trails off. He had never considered himself a Sith, had felt he was beyond labels. Beyond limitations. But after this past year, after Palpatine...He’s not sure anymore. What was real. If he really had been a pawn, all along.

He finds himself continuing. Confessing things to Luke that he has never told anyone. “From the moment we met, on Takodana, there was something about her.” Ben sighs, looking out over the sea again.

“When I was young, ten, eleven, I would have these... dreams. A bright presence, a light, in my mind, and for a while, even after I woke up, the voices would stop. It never spoke, never demanded anything from me, never tried to convince me of anything... it was just, there... and there would be peace in my mind, in my soul. And then, at some point, it never came again, and I forgot about it. But after I... took her, to Starkiller...” he pauses here, remembering, shame overwhelming him. He really was a monster.

“When I went into her mind, it was her.” The memory still astounds him. “That same presence. _I knew her_. It... scared me like nothing had in a long time. It... She... woke up the light I had buried for so long. And I... panicked. I was so close to complete surrender to the dark side. I was finally, fully committed. And then, her. She resisted my mind. She broke into my darkest secrets, Luke. An untrained... nobody!” He is sweating, stomach churning, remembering his terror in that moment.

“I knew then that I was a failure. Snoke was going to kill me. I was never going to be good enough, I would never sever myself from the light. And I was terrified. Everything I’d done, worked for, everyone I’d hurt, for nothing?” A sob escapes his throat, and he pauses, choking back tears.

“That’s why I... what’s why... Han.” And now the tears escape, trailing down his cheeks. “That’s why I did it, Luke. He showed up, I hadn’t seen him in _years_ , and it was the perfect opportunity. Too perfect to be a coincidence. I thought the dark side had brought him to me to be the sacrifice. I thought, if I... killed him, there would be no going back. It would kill the light inside me. _Prove_ that I was fit for the dark side.”

Ben clears his throat. “And I was surprised to feel that he still loved me. He really did,” Ben says, still in wonder, ”and so I told myself, if he really wanted to help me, this was the only way. I couldn’t go back, it was too late for that, so this... he... could help me move forward, fully embrace the dark side. I would be... _free_.” Ben pauses, turning away from Luke, swiping roughly at his cheeks, working to contain himself.

“But it didn’t.” Luke is gentle. “It only made your conflict worse.”

Ben nods, overcome by guilt. His father had loved him to the end, and now Luke, the man he had hated more than anyone in the galaxy, was offering him compassion.

They are quiet a long time, Ben watching the roiling waves, so like the sea on Kef Bir, where everything had changed. He thinks of Han, and his mother, and of Rey, and of how he ended up here, of all places, finally telling the truth, and to Luke, of all people. Luke contemplates his nephew, but doesn’t press him.

“So...” Ben clears his throat again, running his hands through his hair, turning back to Luke. “The dyad. Snoke claimed responsibility for our bond, but it persisted after he... died. I came to suspect that was what was... between us. My suspicion is that we were connected when she was born, and as an infant, and young child, she was unknowingly accessing the force. Connecting with me when I was relaxed, unconscious. Then, something about losing her parents, them leaving her, she shut down, and her powers went dormant. Until I... entered... her mind, and woke them up.”

“Fascinating,” Luke says, and Ben is gratified that his former master is taking him seriously, treating him as an equal.

“And, I was even more I surprised to discover that... Palpatine had no idea. When he summoned me to him, he wanted me to kill her. That was his price in offering me his fleet. He was testing me, I suppose. Like Snoke. To get me to bring her to him, or die trying, prove my... weakness. Or to turn her to the dark side in fighting against me, defeating me. I’m not sure. But I don’t know how he missed the dyad connection.”

“Well,” says Luke. “We all did. So, maybe it’s finally something that’s just yours. Not the result of manipulation or any grand plan. Just you and her and the force.”

Now Ben is wry, skeptical. “Still sounds like manipulation, by the force. Neither of us had any say in it.” And Ben’s underlying fear suddenly comes to the surface: that Rey feels trapped, manipulated into a... relationship with him, of whatever nature, because of their bond. Chained by the force into being connected to him, a monster. Ben turns away, definitely not wanting to discuss _that_ with Luke.

Luke speaks then... “It would be... enlightening... to peruse some of those old texts again. And it would give you something to do while you’re here. Keep you out of trouble. It’s too bad Rey took ‘em.”

Ben looks up, surprised. “What?”

Luke continues, “She took all my books, when she left here, the first time.” Mock indignation. “I hope she hasn’t lost them. Of course, I was going to burn them all, so I guess they were fair game. Scavenger,” he says fondly. “We should probably thank her.”

Ben shakes his head. “What books?”

“The original Jedi texts, from the island here, plus some notes I had collected, even a few of my books that survived... the temple. Might even be some of your notes in there. Wouldn’t that be a trip? Rey’s got quite a library. That would be enough to keep even you busy... for a while. Too bad you’re here, and she’s... there. No chance she’s planning to visit, anytime soon...?”

“We didn’t... discuss it.” Ben says shortly, definitely not wanting to get lost down that path right now. “But there might be a way.”


	9. Ben and Rey and the books

“We could use your.. help.” Rey says, the next time they speak, and Ben is surprised to detect a note of... apology?  
He raises his eyebrows. “We?”

She purses her lips, a slight frown. “Right. The... Resistance could use your help. We’re trying to create some semblance of order in the galaxy, but there’s still a lot of First Order loyalists and sympathizers out there. The leadership is gone, of course, but.... a lot of legitimate governments are still run by....” She cringes here, not sure what to say, “...them. We’re not sure where to start. We’ve got some commitments of help, from a couple of sectors, to start making overtures of peace, compromises. But I thought maybe if you could help us out, with which systems might be most receptive-“

“Rey.” He sighs, and she feels his reluctance, and remorse. “Most of those people are just trying to make a living. They’re not fanatics.”

“I know! We... know. That’s what I mean, if you can help identify which systems aren’t fanatical, which might be most receptive to working with us, keeping their jobs and their homes, we could start with them! And,” she shrugs. “If you happen to know which might be most... loyal, you could warn us? And we could maybe give them priority, too?”

She seems hopeful, but underneath he feels the overwhelming weight of what is set before her. What might be expected of her.

“Did... Dameron tell you to ask me?” He isn’t suspicious, exactly, but he has been curious how much power the man has in the Resistance, now that his mother is gone.

“No!” She is quick and sure. “No. He doesn’t even know that we can talk.” Here she looks away, slightly bashful. “None of them do.”

He is.... relieved, if he’s honest with himself. It is safer that way, for both of them. But he can guess what keeping that secret costs her heart. She is so loyal to her... friends.

“That’s probably... wise. Thank you.” He means it sincerely, tries to impress understanding upon her through the bond, that he knows it isn’t easy for her.

She nods, and smiles slightly.

“I’ll see what I can remember... I wasn’t much involved in the day to day operations, even in the past year, but... I’m sure I can come up with a list. For you.” _Not for them_ , runs through his mind, but then he stops, considering. He respects the need for order in the galaxy, and had sold himself for years on the First Order’s vision of what that order should look like. But in truth, he’d just been saving his own skin, trying to survive when there was nowhere else he could go. _As usual_ , comes the reply in his own mind. He sighs.

Rey feels his sudden pain, the wave of remorse that ebbs and flows through him so unpredictably.

“Ben...?” She reaches out, not taking his hand, but offering hers.

He shakes his head free, smiling, and reaches out, not grasping her hand but brushing his fingers lightly along hers. He wonders if she hears the sigh that escapes her lips.

“So, if I’m going to be helping you... there’s something you could do for me, in return.” She tenses, suddenly cautious, and he rushes on before she gets the wrong idea.

“The Jedi texts. Luke says you stole them from him.” He smiles, trying to tease her out of the serious turn their conversation has taken, but she sits up, shocked and surprised.

“You’ve seen him?” She is equal parts amazed and apprehensive. “You’ve spoken?”

“Indeed...” He smiles. “Several times. It’s been.. good. Really good.”

She smiles at him, beaming, and her pleasure, her... approval, wraps around him in the force like a warm blanket. He feels frozen in time and space, looking into her eyes, basking in her gaze, warmth and companionship binding them together. He could stay here, with her, forever. _Ben_... he hears in his mind, and his heart flips over. But.

He shakes his head, blinking, withdrawing his hand but still smiling at her. “So...the books? Can I... borrow them?”

He tries to shake off the intensity of their bond in that infinite moment. It is like coming up from underwater; he watches as she takes a deep breath and runs a hand over her eyes. “Yes. Please. Anything. What are you, I mean, are you looking for anything in particular?”

“I want to see if there’s anything about... dyads.” He shrugs. “I know I read something about it... before. When I was... with Luke. But I don’t remember where, or if it even... survived.”

She hadn’t quite realized that he would have read the texts before. Held them in his own hands, maybe even... “Did you ever... make notes in them?” She feels suddenly warm, heat creeping up her neck to her cheeks, thinking that she might have been reading his notes, running her fingers over his handwriting for the past year, and not realizing it.

“Oh sure. Lots. But, again, I’m not sure what... survived.” She feels his sorrow again. “I actually studied... calligraphy.” He raises his eyebrows to her blank look. “Handwriting? Formal script?”

She looks truly surprised. He continues, “It was peaceful... orderly. I could practice the same letter, over and over, until it was... perfect.” His hand moves slightly in the air, as if remembering of its own accord. “It helped to clear my mind. And I hoped that I might someday leave something lasting. Something... real.”

Her heart swells, as it always does when she is graced with a glimpse of _Ben, before_. Tears fill her eyes, and she wants to gather him in her arms. He looks up, amazed again at her... affection, her sincere warmth toward him. It’s so new in his life, this simple.... kindness. He shakes his head, his heart too full to speak, even through the bond, but his gratitude floods her mind, her heart, in return.

“I’ll get them for you,” she says, standing up and moving to another part of the room. “I haven’t found anything about dyads, but I’m not claiming to have read them all. It’s slow going for me, and so much has to be translated. Threepio has helped quite a bit, but lately they’ve got him busy all over the place.” Ben smiles, remembering the dottering old droid, and imagining Rey being kind to him.

She reaches beyond his view and brings back several volumes. “Do you want them all now? I’m honestly too busy lately to use them. It takes a lot of... concentration for me to make much of them.” She holds them out to him.

“I’ll start with these,” he takes them gently from her. “And I’ll let you know when I need more.”

She nods, glowing at him, so confident in their control of the bond connection, and how easily their conversation flows now when they’re together.

“Oh, and I’ve got something for you, too,” he says suddenly, a mischievous grin on his face. He reaches behind where he’s sitting, and pulls out-

“Your sweater! You... remembered.” She is suddenly so embarrassed. “But, are you sure, you don’t need it?” What had she been thinking, asking for his torn sweater? He must think she’s crazy. She blushes bright red. He smiles softly, his gaze suddenly intense on her. “I’ll like knowing... you have it. That you have something of mine.”

She smiles, nods, taking the sweater from his hand. “I’ll see you later? Enjoy your books.”

He nods back, focused, but his eyes crinkle in a way she now knows means he’s truly happy.

As the bond closes he is hit by a sudden mental image of her, wearing his sweater... and nothing else.

He gasps in shock. Is that his imagination? Or hers?

He staggers... and hears her laughter in his mind.


	10. Rey and Ben and the hairpins

Rey and Ben get into the habit of meeting in her evenings. Their planets are in opposite rotations, so at the end of her long busy days he is just starting his long solitary ones.

The Resistance, or the Republic, no one knows right now, is working her ragged. The galaxy is in an uncertain state, and Rey finds herself reluctantly in the middle of it. Even the systems that were once the strongest branches of the Republic are skittish to form a central government, and already the Hutts, Black Sun, Crimson Dawn, and others are moving in. No one has stepped up to host or lead a new New Republic, or Alliance, or anything, and the remains of the Resistance are left scrambling to keep Leia’s vision alive. And with nowhere else to go they’re still stuck here in this fetid, fungal jungle.

Leaders of systems throughout the galaxy want to talk to Rey, the last Jedi, the hero of the Resistance. To hear first hand that Palpatine is gone, the First Order crumbling, General Hux and Kylo Ren dead. At first she is flustered, annoyed, still too wounded to know what to say. But they need support if there’s any hope of getting a new government up and running.

_Yes, it really was Palpatine._

_Yes, he really is gone, again_ (she hopes, desperately), his own power turned against him, probably the only way he could have been truly defeated.

_Yes, General Hux is dead,_ victim of his own officers as he turned traitor in his jealousy.

_Yes, Kylo Ren is dead_. She ran him through herself, witnessed it with her own eyes. She stumbles over this question the first few times, but it becomes easier. It is the truth. Kylo Ren is gone, will not return to haunt the galaxy, but it is so hard to leave it at that, to not defend Ben, his part in defeating Palpatine, saving her.

But as more and more systems reach out, she finds herself the figurehead of the new order, of whatever is coming next. It is disconcerting to say the least, and what ultimately leads to her being here, now, facing Ben after a long day of no less than 5 holocoms with 5 different oh-so- very-important leaders, and a raging headache.

“You changed your hair,” he notices, first thing.

“Yes,” She says slowly, the reminder reinforcing the pain stretching around her scalp. “Some of the leaders here, they thought, that since so many heads of so many planets have been wanting to talk to me, maybe I should try looking a bit more.... regal?” She isn’t sure this _is_ the right move, personally, but is too overwhelmed to fight it, for now.

“Kaydel... one of the lieutenants here, she suggested that my hair would be a good place to start. She was close to... your mother, helped her quite a bit, so she knows some traditional Alderaanian styles. Which led to, this.” She waves her hand vaguely around her head, feeling a bit silly now, explaining it to Ben, Leia’s own son. She feels like an imposter. She isn’t royalty, no matter what title her... grandfather claimed. She isn’t even really a leader. She’s just a desert scavenger, and aren’t Jedi supposed to oppose pomp and useless affectations?

“Well, what to do you think?” she asks lightly, mostly to hide her own embarrassment, suddenly nervous of his assessment.

He has barely processed anything she said, he’s so stricken by how much she resembles his mother, the way he remembers her when he was young. Leia had been barely older than Rey is when he was born, and thinking about Rey as a mother makes him feel suddenly warm. He coughs, catching up to her question, realizing he has left it far too long.

“You look beautiful,” he says simply. She graces him with a half-smile, looking away from his gaze. “Well, that’s something, at least,” she says, forcing lightness into her voice, “because it’s given me a roaring headache. I don’t know what Kaydel did, but there’s at least a dozen pins poking my head.”

Ben is silent, and she finally brings her eyes back to his.

“So, how was your day?” she tries, to fill the quiet, but he is still, thinking. A childhood memory, long buried: his father, late at night, un-winding his mother’s elaborate hairstyles, combing slowly through her braids, removing pins, separating each section, smoothing out the tangles.

He clears his throat, speaks quietly. “When I was young, before... everything, my mother spent long days in the senate. Rebuilding the Republic, of course.” It is becoming easier, now, to keep the bitterness out of his voice. “She would come home late, after I was in bed. But I would lie awake, unable to sleep until I knew she was there.”

He pauses, gathering himself, and Rey waits, fascinated as always by a glimpse into his childhood. “But sometimes, when... Han... was home, he would wait up for her, and I would sneak out of my room to see them, just to know they were there together...” He rushes on now, suddenly afraid he won’t be able to get it all out.

“He would unwrap her hair for her. Alderaanian hairstyles have symbolic meanings, the twists and knots,” he says, slipping into scholar mode again, although surely she knows this, “...and it would help her relax.” He stops here, a tinge of pink spreading faintly to his cheeks. “I could do that for you, if you wanted. To relieve the headache,” he finishes, not having any idea why he has just offered this, sure she will decline.

“You want to unwrap my hair?” She asks, her face inscrutable.

“If you’d like,” he says softly, feeling suddenly foolish but holding her gaze.

“Ok,” she says slowly. “Yes. I’d like that.”

“Ok...” he echoes faintly, and then, decisively. “Ok.”

He pauses now, not sure what to do next, but she scoots forward, and he realizes she is sitting on her bed, making room for him to sit behind her. Right. Her bed. That is the only place in her tiny room that they can sit together. He gets up slowly, keeping his eyes on hers, and makes his way over. He brushes the tips of his fingers lightly across her shoulder and slides into her world. As easy as a breath. He settles with one leg off the edge of the bed and one knee bent behind her back. He should be nervous: the proximity, the possibilities. But it all feels so effortless, so right.

“So... this is your room?” He looks around for a moment, savoring the chance to take in the little details that make it _hers_. There aren't many, she's always traveled light. But there are several jars of flowers, and her staff is propped in the corner.

“Oh! Yes. We finally finished setting up the modules. So many of the ships were... damaged... that we needed the space. And I somehow ranked getting my own room...?” She’d been embarrassed by the privilege but has to admit it is... useful.

He breathes in her smell, her warmth, and then, before his resolve can falter, he reaches up slowly to run his fingers lightly over the top braid; the silky softness of her hair is a thrilling sensation. She is tense, he can tell, and he suddenly doubts that this will help her relax in the slightest. She laughs slightly, hearing him through the bond, and then takes a deep breath too, consciously releasing the tension in her shoulders.

“It’s okay,” she says. “I need this. Go ahead.” He isn’t _quite_ sure what it is that she means by “needs:” the hairpins out, or something else, but he slips his fingers deeper into her hair and begins teasing out the pins holding the lowest braids in place. The strands come free, and he smooths them through his fingers, unwinding each piece, stacking the hairpins in a neat pile on the bed next to him. She sighs as the lowest of the twists is released, and his stomach flips. “You’re right. That is so much better,” she says, rolling her neck a bit to work out the kinks. “Thank you.”

He doesn’t trust himself to speak, but nods, though she can’t see, as he moves gently up to the next layer. Stretching out the next braid to find the end, his fingers graze her neck, and she inhales sharply, tipping her head back involuntarily, leaning into his touch. He drops both hands, steadying his heart, and she straightens. “Sorry,” she murmurs, relaxing her shoulders again, folding her hands demurely in her lap. He continues unwinding the braid, and she marvels that his hands, so large and strong, can be so gentle.

“So...” she is desperate for a distraction. “You said Alderaanian hairstyles have meanings.... what does this one mean?”

“Well,” he begins. But then he huffs, quietly. Almost a laugh. “I have no idea. I can’t remember any of it. And honestly, they all looked the same to me anyway.” Rey laughs then too, relieved by the levity. “Me too. Your mother always looked so regal, so right, in whatever she wore. I barely noticed the details.”

They fall silent again as he moves onto the topmost twirls. The pile of pins is growing, and he marvels at how long her hair has grown since he last saw it down. He finally releases the last braid, gathering all her hair in his hands, running his fingers through it to smooth it down her back, letting the silky weight of it cascade over his skin, and they sigh together.

“Better?” He asks, and she nods, not trusting herself to turn and face him. They haven’t been this close, alone, since the cave on Exegol, and the air between them seems to tingle. She leans back into him slightly, and suddenly his arms are sliding from her shoulders, down her arms, and then around her, his hands clasping her own where they rest in her lap.

Everything stills to this moment and there is nothing but her soft hair and warmth and the silence in his mind and the force, humming around them.

“Rey,” he breathes into her ear, barely a whisper, almost a question, although he doesn’t know what he’s asking, and she shudders, sinking back into his embrace. His lips brush her neck just under her ear, and she gasps, bringing her hands up to clasp his head, now running her own fingers through his hair. His hands tighten around her waist, pulling her closer as she turns her head, an impulse, an instinct, to whisper in his ear.

“Ben...” His whole body is cold fire, and suddenly he is pulling her close, kissing her neck, tasting her sweat, that smell that is uniquely _her_ , and her breath is warm and sweet as she sighs again into his ear, “Ben.” He can feel now through the bond her longing, matching his, and they are fuel to each others’ fire.

“Again,” he gasps, his mouth on her neck, his firm hands roving up and down her stomach, savoring her body, how real she is under his hands. “Say it again.”

“Ben,” she breathes.... “ _Ben_.”

“Rey?” Suddenly Rose’s voice calls through the door, a light knocking. “Are you in there?”

They jerk apart, Rey standing quickly, scattering the hairpins across the floor, calling out, “I’m here, hang on.”

“You have to go,” she whispers to Ben. “I’m so sorry.” He nods, blinking to clear his head. Her hair falls long and sleek over her shoulders. His fingers tingle from where they were wrapped up in it, wrapped up in _her_. “Tomorrow?” he mouths. She nods, yes, and he smiles. She reaches for the door handle, glancing back before turning it, equal parts relieved and disappointed to see that he is gone.

“Hi Rose,” she says, realizing she is still catching her breath.

“Oh Rey, I’m so sorry to disturb you, I know you finally got a minute off, but the secretary for the Contessa of Von Zehn is calling, he had the time wrong, ugh, local time, his time, you’d think he’d be used to things like that in his line of work, but he’s insisting on talking to you, and you know, they have money... a lot of money, which we could really use right now, so Poe kinda made me come get you,” she sounds apologetic, rolling her eyes, and then stops, startled.

“Oh! You took your hair down already. That’s too bad, it was really elegant. Although I’m surprised you were able to get it out yourself, I saw how many pins Kaydel put in there, I thought you’d be tied up for a week! But you know, it actually looks really nice down like that, maybe you should wear it that way more often!” Rose’s enthusiasm is infectious.

Rey smiles, trying to steady her heartbeat. “You know...maybe I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ben is not aware of the significance in Alderaanian culture of unwrapping the braids (as noted in the book Leia, Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray.) He’s really just earnestly helpful.


	11. Rey and Ben clear up a few things

“I’m sorry, about... last time.” Ben's voice is loud in the silence of her room.

“Oh!” Rey is startled out of her own thoughts. Usually there’s some warning, at least in the back of her mind, before the bond opens. But Ben is here before her, now, as she’s packing for a mission.

Then, as his words sink in... “Oh...”

“Sorry...” she echoes. Sorry. What does that mean?

He nods once, curtly, but doesn’t speak. His expression seems carefully neutral... contained.

Finally he seems to shake himself out of a trance, scowling slightly, as though frustrated at having to spell it out for her. “I may have... crossed a line. Between us. And,” he pauses, jaw working. “I’m sorry. If you felt... uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable...?” She echoes again, as though she has no words of her own. She hadn’t felt the least... uncomfortable. Had he?  
She is still looking at him, considering, as he begins to sweat, and runs a hand through his hair.

And then she smiles, drawing a deep breath. Making a decision. “I’m not,” she says boldly.

“What?” He almost chokes.

“I’m not sorry.” She says simply. “About last time.”  
“You’re not?” His mouth is suddenly dry; he licks his lips and tries not to look at hers.

“No. I’m not,” she says simply. “I told you. I want to get to know you. I want to trust you, and I want you to... let me in. And I wasn’t... uncomfortable.” She thinks of the feel of his hands, his lips, on her skin, and knows her thoughts are wide open to him in the bond.

He straightens up, taking a sharp breath. “Rey...” his eyes are dark, sinking into hers.

Then he blinks, and shakes his head, returning to the moment. “Ok...” he says slowly. “Well... in that case, I’m not actually... sorry.” He shrugs, half smiling, and she stifles a giggle.

“But,” and here he pauses, and she feels his hesitancy return. His voice is low. “When we... if we... become... more, someday... I don’t want that, until I’m sure of who I am. Until you’re sure of who I am.”

She nods, realizing she feels...disappointed. She tries quickly to hide it, but he smiles, and she feels his relief, and his amusement.

“Rey... I’ve... wanted you before. Kylo Ren... wanted you.” The confession burns in his throat, his remorse spilling through the bond to her. “Selfishly.”

He reaches out to her in the bond, pulling back the curtain on his feelings for her, before

_Obsession..._

_A scavenger?_

_You know I can take whatever I want._

_Join me._

_Betrayal..._

_Craving...._

_Anguish._

As though he wants her to know, everything. Is it a warning...? A confession? His shame at remembering is almost overwhelming... but then, there is relief. He _failed_.

“I’m sorry,” and his voice cracks. “So sorry.” He’s helpless. It’s not nearly enough, and he can’t fix the past. What else is there to say?

She cringes under the weight, the onslaught, of the truth, but she doesn’t pull away. Doesn’t leave him.

Long moments unfold as these truths, these memories, pass between them. And then, Rey begins to filter them through other truths, other memories, that are just as real and clear and strong. And she offers them back to him.

_You’re not alone._

_But not to me._

_Your hand on my stomach on the cold stone floor of Exegol._

_The smile on your face after our first kiss._

_You came back for me._

The way he looks at her now, with such regret, and ache, and _hope_.

He holds her gaze as tears fill his eyes, and the honesty, and the relief, and the _future_ , stretch before them. And then, she smiles. “Thank you... for showing me.” _Trusting me_.

He takes a deep breath, steadying himself. “So. That’s why I want to... take it slow. With us. I want to be sure of who I am, and I want you to be sure of... what you want.”

She nods again. She hasn’t even acknowledged to herself what she wants. “Of course. You’re right.” Their relationship is so precious to her, but also... complicated enough right now.

They stare at each other a moment. His mention of Kylo Ren reminds her of something.

“Ben... can I ask you a question?”

He nods, solemn. “Always. Anything.”

“Why did you rebuild the... mask? I mean, why then, and not sooner, after... Crait?” She had been so... _angry_ , so... _disappointed_ , to see it again.

He looks at her a long moment, inscrutable. She has to ask, after the confession he’s just made? “Surely you know, Rey.”

She shakes her head slightly, confused.

His voice is low, gentle. He’s always spoken to her with gentleness. “When Palpatine told me to kill you... I knew immediately I couldn’t do it. Never. Hux already suspected, I think, that my interest in you went beyond... revenge. And the Knights... I needed to hide, Rey. I was so afraid it was obvious, what was real. And then I realized, if I could get you to him, with me, we could take him, together. That was my plan all along, I told you that. That together we could finish him. So I needed the mask back, then. Because I knew my true... intentions... would be written on my face. I’ve never been good at hiding, where you’re concerned.” He shrugs slightly, embarrassed now by this truth. But he really _can’t_ hide from her.

“Oh,” she takes a shaky breath, utterly failing to hide the smile that creeps onto her face. “Okay.”

He smiles then, seeming to relax a bit, another layer of foundation established between them. She smiles back, and returns to her packing, subtly watching him watch her.

“Actually l’m glad you came tonight." She speaks lightly, trying to brighten the mood. "I’m going on a supply run with Rose. Not that it makes _us_ any... farther apart,” she smiles, and he shakes his head ruefully. “But we’ll be cramped on the ship for a few days... not much... privacy.” She shrugs.

“Rose...?” He frowns.

“Oh! Right. She’s my friend. She’s great. A mechanic, total genius with tech, and... really sweet. Oh! And she bit your old buddy Hux. On the _Supremacy_.” That story had gone all around the Resistance.

Ben is surprised. Somehow Hux had forgotten to mention that to him. “I like her already. You’ll have to tell me the rest of that someday.”

Rey smirks. “We didn’t meet until after Crait, but now we’re friends. And it’s nice...having another girl around.” Rey gives him a saucy look, her eyes twinkling.

“I’ll bet...” he raises an eyebrow. He honestly knows very little of women, and the idea of Rey giggling with a friend makes him a bit... jittery.

She picks up on his feelings and she laughs, short, but real.

“Anyway... she’s working on a new project, going to pick up some supplies, and Poe wants me to go along, cultivate some contacts there. He thinks they’ll be more receptive to a... Jedi.” She feels uncomfortable using that term for herself. She shrugs, frowning. “Or maybe a hero.” An equally uncomfortable term.

Ben considers this. “And... Dameron? He’s your... friend too?”  
Rey’s forehead crinkles as she thinks. “Yes. He is. I mean, we don’t always agree, and at first he kinda drove me nuts. But yes.”

Ben shifts and suddenly Rey feels his... what was that?

“And, the stormtrooper... Finn, he goes by now?”

Rey looks at him sharply, her eyes narrowed. “Finn. That’s his name. And yes. He’s my friend too.” She is defensive, and wants to make it clear, once and for all. “He got me off Jakku, he got me to the Resistance, he was the first... friend I ever had. He trusted me, and he’s my friend.”

Ben nods, acquiescing quickly. “Of course. That’s good.”

She is still on edge. “I don’t need your permission.”

“No! No, that’s not what I meant.” He isn’t sure what happened that he is suddenly in trouble. “I’m just glad you’re not... alone. I’m... glad for you. That you have friends.”

She feels a sudden ache radiate off him, a hollow feeling that is so familiar to her. A feeling she herself carried for so long.

_Friends. Alone._

“Ben.” She is soft now, moving over to where he sits. “I’m sorry.” She takes his hand, avoiding his eyes as she strokes his fingers lightly. His instinct is to pull his hand away; he doesn’t want her pity. But then he breathes, and remembers... he has nothing to lose with her. He releases a breath, watching her fingers moving lightly over his, letting the repetition lull his thoughts. Her presence is so peaceful. Finally, she speaks again, quietly. “You have me.” She sounds like it’s almost a question.

It isn’t a question for him. He looks up at her now, placing his own hand over hers. “I’m honored. To have you. More than you know.”

She smiles softly. “Me too.”

They are startled when Rey’s com pings. “Time to go...” she says reluctantly, withdrawing her hands. “Rose is on the way and I’ve got to get the ship prepped.”

“You’re taking the... Falcon, I assume?

She hesitates. “Yes. I’ve been keeping it tuned up, when I can... Do you mind?”

He is surprised, but also slightly irritated at the question. “Why would I mind? It’s not my ship.”

“Oh, Ben...” she sighs, not sure if she should continue. _It could be_...

He shakes his head. “It’s not. And... I don’t want it. I never wanted it...” _without him_. She feels her own sadness reflected back from him. He blinks, working his jaw, trying to say what he means.

“I only ever dreamed of being like him, flying with him. But then, when he gave up on me, when they sent me away... I didn’t want to be like him anymore. It’s just a junk heap freighter...” _without him_.

He tries to put determination into his voice. He really doesn’t care about the ship. It’s just painful memories. But...he does have too much of his father’s heart in him. There’s no doubt about that now.

Rey considers him for a moment, and he looks away, but he smiles slightly, shaking his head ruefully, knowing when he’s beaten, knowing he can never lie to her. Not then, and especially not now, with their bond so strong.

“Well,” She decides, reading him all too clearly. “It is a bit battered. And wholly unreliable.” She smiles. “But it’s gotten me, and people I care about, out of some tough spots, and it belonged to a good man. So, I’m not giving up on it.”

He shakes his head, a ghost of a smile on his face, still looking away. But she feels his amusement, and his acceptance.

She stands up. “Rose will be here soon. See you... when I get back? A few days.”

He nods, meeting her eyes, solemn now. “Be careful.”

“I’ll see you soon.”


	12. Rey and Leia

The evening on Ajan Kloss is balmy, unusual to be so warm without pouring rain, and Rey has wandered farther than usual into the jungle. She had been hoping to entice Ben to join her for a bit, to take her hand and let her bring him into the warmer climate. He has to be getting tired of the damp cold of Ahch-To. But he’s ... distracted. Apologetic. And they both know... he’s dealing with his own demons.

The bond closes with an ache, and her own disappointment... chastens her. Opens her eyes to herself, for a moment, looking in from outside. She’s become too wrapped up in Ben, in their bond. He’s fast becoming her center. _Dangerous_. Why does that thought bloom in her head, why now? She feels the impulse to push it away, but... she’s told herself she will not run from fear.

*******

“Rey... I’m so proud of you.”

Rey is startled out of her mediation, rising up from where she had been sunk deep in the harmony and chaos and beauty and warmth of the living jungle around her.

She blinks in disbelief, the voice so familiar, so unexpected, even as a smile floods her face. “Master...?” Surely this is an after-image of meditation, she’s just imagining that Leia is here, her heart so desperate for one last glimpse, one last reassurance.

Leia is dressed all in white, younger than Rey remembers her, but she carries herself with the same regal elegance she’s always had. If anything her bearing is enhanced by the sense of serenity, peace, that radiates from her. She has the same blue aura that Luke had on Ahch-To, and Rey is thrilled to realize that this isn’t just her imagination, but an actual force apparition.

“Rey...” Leia’s voice is warm, serene. “You don’t need to call me master anymore. You’ve far surpassed anything I could teach you.” Her smile, her voice, so familiar, are as warm as Rey has ever experienced from her. Tears prick her eyes at the realization of how much she has missed her: teacher, surrogate mother, friend.

Rey stands, finally finding her voice. “I didn’t do it alone.” She is so tired of getting all the credit, all the adoration. She would be dead, they all would, without....

But Leia speaks again. “Yes, Rey, the Jedi. They... we were all there. With you. But _you_ did it. You brought them there, channeled all their power. Your faith. Your strength. I’m so proud of you,” she says again, smiling.

Rey is suddenly desperate for Leia to understand, to be sure she knows, though how could she not? “And Ben. You know that, right? About... Ben?”

Leia nods, but she’s hesitant, uncertain. Rey feels... irritated. Does Leia still doubt her son, after... everything? Or is she hurt about his willingness to give up his life for her, after Leia sacrificed hers for him?

“He saved me, you know that, right? Defeating Palpatine... it took my life. Ben... gave it back, with his own. Or, he meant to. He was willing to.” Leia had given her last moments to reaching him. Rey is desperate to know if Leia feels that her sacrifice, her life for her son, was worth it. Now that _Ben_ has returned.

“I know...” But she still sounds... uncertain. Doubtful.

Rey is hurt at the ambivalence in Leia. A twinge of resentment, then anger, rises in her chest. And finally the question, the hurt toward her master that she’s held in tandem with the grief since her death, bursts out.

“How long did you know about Palpatine? Me?”

Leia sighs. “Luke found out after he died.” The hesitancy in discussing her son is gone. She’s now direct, as usual. “He told me.”

“And YOU should have told me!” Rey is indignant now.

Leia crosses her arms, taking a cautious a step forward. “What would it have changed, Rey? You couldn’t have trained any harder than you already were. And I saw you choosing the light, fighting against the darkness. Over and over again.”

“But at least I would have known!” _I wouldn’t have had to hear it from Kylo Ren_. How she had hated him in that moment, thrusting the truth at her like a weapon, trying to use it to cut her down to his level. She sighs, releasing the memory. Kylo Ren is gone.

“I could have been...prepared,” she says quietly.  
“But, again, Rey, could anything have prepared you for what you went through? Or would knowing sooner have just increased your doubts, made you question yourself?”

Rey is still hurt, not ready to let it go. “How did you feel, when you found out about Vader?” Leia closes her eyes, wincing, and Rey can tell she’s finally struck a blow. But the pain in Leia’s face makes the victory feel hollow.

Then Leia’s resolve returns. “Honestly, Rey, knowing sooner, it would have...distracted me. We couldn’t risk that with you.”

“You should have trusted me.” Rey isn’t going to give in. Leia nods, conceding. “Perhaps... but, it’s war, Rey. Sometimes you have to make... tough choices.”

Rey realizes now that this may be all the apology she’s going to get, and, not wanting to waste precious moments with Leia arguing over the past, lets out a tense breath.

“Would you have even started training me, if you had known?” She asks, finally voicing the doubt that has been haunting her since... since she learned the truth.

“Yes.” Leia is firm. “Absolutely.”

But then she pauses, that uncharacteristic hesitancy back in her voice. “I made...mistakes, with Ben. Luke did too.” She sighs, seeming suddenly old, weary. “The darkness in him, it scared us both. After learning about Vader, who he had been and who he became, and then Luke acquired those texts, began researching the old Jedi, planning to resurrect the order. We both feared the Dark Side. And then Ben was born, so soon after... everything.”

She pauses again, looking away, as if trying to see the past. “I was so young, Rey, and so afraid of ruining him, of how strong he was in the force, stronger than both of us. And of the darkness that seemed to... follow him.”

She takes a breath, tears filling her eyes. “We ended up repeating the mistakes that brought the Jedi down. Fear, Rey. Fear of the darkness that’s in all of us. That was Yoda’s mistake, with... our father. Forcing him to suppress his feelings only strengthened them. Gave them too much power. We see that now, Luke and I. And we didn’t want that for you.”

Her eyes soften, looking on Rey with such love, such compassion. “It doesn’t matter who you come from, Rey. What matters are the choices of make. You saw the darkness in yourself, and you accepted it, but didn’t let it overcome you. You made a choice.” Her tears spill over, and Rey moves to embrace her, before remembering: she’s just an apparition.

Leia continues, “If we could only have seen that sooner, we could have helped Ben. I could have helped him, not to fear the darkness, not to suppress it. To rob it of its power by acknowledging it, and then choosing to let it go. And...” she is pained again. “We never took him seriously, about the... voices. I just thought it was his own head, his own doubts.” Rey’s heart aches at the pain, the regret, that she sees on Leia’s face.

“Rey,” Leia’s voice is soft, gentle. “Did I ever tell you, when we first met.... you seemed so familiar to me. You stepped off the Falcon, and it was like I already knew you.” Rey smiles, remembering the warmth of Leia’s hug in the midst of her confusion, the pain and uncertainty of that day.

“Rey, your... aura, in the Force, it was so much like Ben’s had been, before. So familiar... and in the pain of losing Han, of Hosnian Prime, there you were. Hope. Rey, you brought me hope. I didn’t know, of course, about the dyad business, but I knew you were something special. And then, later, after learning the truth about... your lineage, I was even more convinced that I was doing the right thing, training you. I guess I saw it as a second chance, a chance to make up, at least in some small way, for my mistakes with Ben. To teach you not to fear the darkness. It’s in all of us. And acknowledging that, but not letting it control you, ultimately choosing to let it go, made you stronger.”

Rey is silent, considering. “Have you seen... him? Ben?” She finally asks tentatively.

“...I’m not sure I can. I was never really a Jedi, Rey. This is taking a lot out of me, I don’t think I’ll be able to sustain it over time, visiting the living.”

Rey is surprised. That isn’t really an answer to her question. “Then all the more reason to go now, see him now, before it’s too late!”

But Leia is silent, and Rey senses the earlier hesitancy return.

“You’re afraid,” Rey realizes.  
“Rey... he has every reason to hate me. I sent him away, I doubted him, I... let him go.”

“But he doesn’t.” She is insistent. “Leia, he _doesn’t_. Even when he was Kylo Ren, he didn’t hate you. When he felt you... die... it tore his soul. _That’s_ what brought Ben back. And Ben certainly doesn’t hate you.”

“You seem quite convinced,” she says wryly, a touch of her old confidence restored in a knowing smile. “Been talking with him lately?”

Rey’s cheeks flush lightly, but she doesn’t back down.  
“Leia, please. He has so many doubts, still, about whether he can really change, about whether there can be any forgiveness for him, any... future. He needs to hear this from you.”

Leia half shrugs. Rey isn’t used to seeing her so... indecisive.  
“Rey...” Leia softens. “I’m glad you’re helping him. But remember: this is his fight.”

Rey sighs. “Do you still doubt him? That he’s... changed?”

“Oh Rey. I...” Leia shakes her head, looking lost. Then that familiar resolve returns, along with the serenity that Rey had felt in her when she first appeared.

“No. I don’t. But... I’ve had my heart broken before. I don’t want that for you. But.” She is firm now, and Rey realizes that her light is fading a bit. “It really doesn’t matter now, what I think. I’ve done what I can, I’m at peace with that. The rest is up to him.” Her eyes soften. “There is one thing I’m certain of, Rey. If anyone can help him, you can. So, thank you. For believing in him.”


	13. Ben and Rey and the vision

“I’m sorry I was so distant, the last time we met. I had a vision... of you. It... distracted me. The force is so strong here, on this island. So... vivid.” Ben sounds almost in awe.

He is sitting on the edge of his bed, and Rey sits down next to him, taking his hand, joining them together in the same space. He startles, suppressing an instinct to _pull away_ , and Rey blinks, suddenly nervous. She thought they were past that. Taking a breath, she waits quietly for him to speak.

“At first I was terrified, you were in so much pain, and so fierce. I thought you were...” He pauses, and she wonders what could have upset him so much.

“I’ve died before, and that turned out ok,” she tries to comfort him lightly, but her voice shakes, and he doesn’t respond. Doesn’t even look up.

“You were giving birth,” he blurts out in a rush, sweat beading on his forehead, his hand in hers suddenly clammy.

She’s stunned. He rushes on now, forcing his way through. “It was a girl, and I saw, I was right there, she just,” he motions with his hands, still gripping hers, sliding them through the air, as though catching that vision child. His daughter. _Ours_.

 _Ours_ , echoes back to him. He appreciates that it isn’t a question. He reaches out gently in the bond, trying to gauge her reaction without prying. Shocked doesn’t begin to describe it. He understands, it took him a day to even process what he’d seen.

He makes to stand up, loosening his hand in hers, to give her some space. But she grips him tighter, not looking at him but not letting him go. He stands awkwardly in front of her, still holding her hand but feeling now desperate to know what she’s thinking. He reaches out again, through the bond, too nervous to speak... _I’m sorry. I debated not telling you. I don’t want you to feel trapped. But... I didn’t know how to keep it from you._

“I’m sorry,” he says again, aloud.

She finally looks up at him, her hand still gripping his. “I’m not sorry. I’m glad you told me.” She pauses, searching his face, and he feels her reaching to him in the bond as well. She’s as nervous as he is.

“What do you... is that something... you want?” She asks. “Children?” _With me?_ echoes in his mind, and she blushes and looks away.

He sits down again next to her, relieved that she hasn’t run away, disappeared. He answers the easy question first. “There could never be anyone else,” he says, his voice heavy with absolute truth. He feels her relief, and a rush of their shared... _longing_... but he sets that aside in his mind. For now.

“But, children...” he’s tempted to lie, to say what he assumes she wants to hear. But he can’t lie to her.

“No. I didn’t have the best.. role models. I had no desire to repeat that, continue that cycle. And under Snoke I had no future at all. My life was about gathering enough pain and anger around me to survive another day. Any thoughts about... anything else, had to be buried deep. I hadn’t ever even considered life beyond that, until... you.”

She nods, leaning her head on his shoulder. He is so relieved. She understands. Of course she does.

“I didn’t either,” she confesses. “Living alone, all those years, surviving... I couldn’t imagine... a family. On Jakku. I spent so many years, waiting, hoping for my parents to return. Beyond that was... too much to even consider. Bringing a child into that life would have been cruel.” He squeezes her hand, aching for the life she led, wishing he could have saved her from it. She deserves so much better. _Better than me_ , his heart echoes cruelly.

“Ben,” She says sharply. “Stop that. You’re... the best thing that’s happened to me. Meeting you, I mean, after, you know... meeting the real you. I couldn’t have done what I did, defeating the darkness within me, even defeating... him...” she still shudders at the thought that that demon is her grandfather, “without knowing you.”

She reaches up, sliding her hand around his jaw and turning him to look at her, waiting patiently until he finally brings his eyes to hers. She smiles and his heart skips a beat. She is so beautiful.

But then his brow furrows, and he looks away. “Rey. My family, my... bloodline, has brought a lot of pain and destruction to the galaxy. Don’t forget who I am, and who I come from. I’m not sure it would be a good... idea... to perpetuate that.”

There. He’s said it. That is his deepest fear. That any child of his will follow in his footsteps. As he had tried to follow Vader’s. “Darkness runs deep in the Skywalkers.”

“Darkness?” She splutters, tears forming. “You want to talk about darkness to a... Palpatine?”

“Rey.” He turns, taking her face in both his hands, his thumbs wiping away tears that now track her cheeks. “You are nothing like him. Nothing. I know I tried to convince you that you were. That was me, being selfish. I was so afraid of losing you, knowing I didn’t deserve you, desperate to drag you down to me. You _are_ the light, Rey. I’ve seen you, over and over again, choose the _light._ ”

His voice catches in his throat, and he turns toward her, bringing his forehead to hers, still holding her cheeks lightly in his hands. He closes his eyes, willing her to see in herself what he sees. How she has confronted the darkness in herself, has not run away from it. She’s accepted it without letting it win, and in doing so, conquered it. And helped him conquer it, as well.

She sighs, resting her hands lightly on his hips as he continues to cradle her face.

“Ben,” she breathes, letting out all the confusion, all the uncertainty, and he feels a stirring in his stomach, and lower. She runs her hands up his sides, as though assuring herself of what's real, savoring his solid strength. He’s holding his breath, not trusting himself under her touch, not wanting to break this moment with her.

Then she seems to remember where they are, and what they’re discussing. She releases him, sitting back, and draws a slow breath. He drops his hands to his lap, then runs them through his hair as he exhales.

She speaks quietly. “Force visions... they aren’t always true, right? I mean, there are usually many possible futures?” He can’t tell if she hopes this is the case.

“Of course. You saw us on the dark throne... They don’t always... come to pass.” His mind is a whirl. Is she disappointed? Relieved?

“Ben.” She sighs, turning aside again to lean her head on his shoulder. “I honestly don’t know what I want. Everything is still so... complicated.” He nods. That’s one word for it.

“And, honestly, I agree. I don’t know if we should... do that, given both of our... family histories. But... I’m glad to know. That it’s... one possible future.”

He is surprised to realize that he is too.


	14. Ben and Anakin

“I’m sorry we haven’t been able to speak sooner... this... ability is almost beyond my reach, and Palpatine... kept a close hold on your mind. Drowned out any other voices that might have been able to... connect with you. But the force here is strong, it’s easier to cross over.”

“...Anakin?” Ben is startled by the unfamiliar voice, but even as he asks, he knows. This man before him bears a strong resemblance to his mother, and Luke. He had always felt he himself took after the Solo side, but in facing his grandfather his own Skywalker heritage is reflected back to him.

Anakin continues, musing, “And... You were looking for Darth Vader, all those years. But... He’s gone.”

Ben is stunned, taking in this man before him, the man he’s held such... mixed feelings about, his whole life. As a child, he had been thrilled by stories of his heroic grandfather, the great Jedi general Anakin Skywalker. So much of the history of the Jedi had been lost, in the purge at the start of the Empire, that the littlest bits, remembered by old friends of his mother, or, as Luke began to turn up forgotten archives and long-buried histories, were treasures to him.

But learning the truth, as a teenager, that Anakin had not been killed by Darth Vader but had in fact _become_ Darth Vader, had shaken him to his core. It was as if suddenly all the darkness in him, all the fear, all the anger he struggled with every day of his life, made sense. It was not the peace and serenity of the Jedi, which seemed always just out of his grasp, that was his legacy, but darkness, power, control. And when, with nowhere else to go, he had run to Snoke, broken and scared and confused, Snoke had called on him, _trusted him_ , to fulfill Vader’s legacy. At times Snoke tempted him with the greatness of his grandfather, at other times taunting him with Vader’s ultimate failure, the compassion, the heart, that finally led to his downfall. His _weakness_.

“Ben...” Anakin is somber. “I’m... sorry. Palpatine, he really did a number on our family. I thought.... I thought he was gone. I thought I set us free, for Luke and... your mother..... Funny I didn’t realize they were twins, should have been easy enough, two life forces. Palpatine, I suppose. Manipulating all of us.” He sighs.

“Do you think he’s really gone, this time?” Ben finally finds his voice.

Anakin considers... “who knows? I certainly hope so. I mean, I threw him down a shaft, but you standing in front of me is evidence of how effective that usually turns out to be.” Ben looks up, surprised. Is that sarcasm? Like father like son, it seems.

Anakin continues, “Rey turned his own power against him. Genius. It might have been enough.” Here he pauses, watching Ben. “She’s a remarkable girl.” Ben starts, looking at his grandfather, then away.

“Did you... regret your choices? What happened to... her?” Ben finally asks quietly.

“Your grandmother?” Here Anakin sighs, looking off into the distance.

“No.” He finally admits. There is pain in his voice, but no uncertainty. “I do now. But I didn’t... then.”

“I was devastated, I was angry, but... I turned it into fuel. She was dead, I knew that for certain. I’d always been able to find her in the force, if I tried hard enough. She was gone, and it was my fault. And our child, children... well, I thought they were gone. And I had killed them. It was all because of my weakness. I was going to stop people from dying, and I couldn’t. First my mother, then her, our children... and I despised that weakness. So, I eliminated it, turned it into the source of my power. I expect you understand that...”

Ben nods once, shortly, looking down at the grass below him.

“So, no, to be honest. I didn’t really struggle against the light again until... Luke. He came to me, on the moon of Endor, and he... surrendered. Called me ‘father.’ I didn’t understand it at the time, but I saw a glimpse of who I had been. That was the first time since... she died, that I felt the light stir within me.”

He sighs, remembering days long ago. “Ben, I applaud you. You finished what I started. You saved someone you love from death.”

Ben looks up, startled. Smiles. Really, truly, genuinely, smiles. “I did. I did finish what you started.” The amazement on his face, in his voice, makes Anakin grin in return. Ben shakes his head in wonder, considering. How badly he had wanted to be like his grandfather: first Anakin, and then Vader. But in the end, Anakin after all.

Anakin looks around again, taking in the sky and sea, the grass and cliffs, as though to fix them in his mind.

“Well, Ben. I don’t think I’ll be able to see you again, but, I wanted to, once. You are the last of the Skywalkers. I hope you’ll carry that name with pride. We have struggled, all of us, with choosing the right path. But we all found it eventually. And you, it seems, will live to walk down it. Make the most of it. For all of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven’t read much of the Darth Vader comic book series, so I’m not sure how in keeping it is with my idea of Vader’s internal struggle, or lack thereof. But this is my head canon.


	15. Rey and Ben and the party

Ben and Rey are in his hut one night, discussing strategies for the Riosan system before a meeting she has later that day. They both have steaming cups of tea, made from seaweed and a crushed dried flower that grows abundant on the island. It tastes of salt and minerals and grass, and Rey hated it on her first stay. Growing up on Jakku taught her not to be picky, but also taught her how little she actually needs to survive. But now she’s warmed to the local brew, mostly because it tastes like time with Ben. He takes his with a generous splash of Thala-siren milk, but she’s not that brave. Straight up is fine with her. The first time he does it she makes a face, and he makes one back at her that’s suspiciously like one she once saw on his uncle. But she doesn’t mention that to him.

When the sound of music wafts through the windows, Rey looks up, surprised, and Ben smiles.

“The Lanais. They have a monthly party...”

“I remember,” she says. What she remembers is Luke’s trickery, trying to convince her that the Visitors were a raiding party. She frowns, shaking her head.

“What?” he asks.

“Nothing, just... remembering.”

He doesn’t press her, but then suddenly clears his throat. “Do you want to go? Down there?”

She blinks, surprised. That idea makes her nervous on so many levels. She settles for the most obvious.

“Oh no, they don’t like me.”

“What? Why?” He can’t say they’ve been overly friendly to him, but certainly cordial enough.

She frowns ruefully, shaking her head. Several reasons come to mind...

“Anyway, won’t they wonder where I came from? How the brooding not-Jedi suddenly has a pretty girl with him?” She teases.

His forehead creases as he considers this. “I’m not... brooding.”

She smirks. “Sure.” But then turns serious again. “They will wonder.”

“I don’t know...” Ben shrugs. “They don’t question much. They kinda just... go with it.”

“I’m pretty sure they’d question that.” She smiles, softening. “But that would be fun, someday, to... celebrate. With you.”

He nods, his gaze intense on her, her heart skipping a beat.

She is quiet, considering... “I don’t really know how to do... parties. There wasn’t much to celebrate on Jakku. People here, they sometimes have get-togethers, in the evenings, just to hang out, but...” she shrugs, “I’m not much for crowds. And...” she looks at him. _You’re not there._

He smiles, touched by her affection for him. “Well... I’m here. Let’s just go see.”

He stands up, offering her his hand.

“How will that even work?” She protests, laughing nervously as she gestures around the room. “I mean, can I just... walk out of here? What about my walls?”

He seems momentarily confused, as though he had forgotten she isn’t really here. Then he shrugs again. “I don’t know. Let’s try it.”

She hesitates, biting her lip nervously, then slowly reaches out and takes his hand. She’s rewarded with his grin, and he pulls her to her feet. “Come on,” he says, grabbing a blanket and wrapping it around her shoulders.

The cold air takes her breath away, and she clutches at the blanket around her shoulders as he leads her out the door. She pauses, waiting for something to stop her, to be drawn back to her own world. For all the control they’ve gained over it, the bond still does that, sometimes, just... shorts out. Leaving them each suddenly alone. But tonight, nothing happens. As if time and space are irrelevant, can hold no bearing against the bridge between them.

The air is cool and crisp, the stars so bright, millions of them, more like the desert nights on Jakku than the dense jungle canopy of Ajan Kloss. Lately she feels more at home on Ahch-To than anywhere else. The grass under her feet is damp and spongy, the dew quickly dampening the toes of her thin boots. She takes deep breaths of the fresh air, the salty wind, and he glances at her, grinning again. “Let’s go,” he says, and still holding her hand, breaks into a light run, tugging her with him.

“Ben, wait!” she exclaims, but she can’t help laughing. She really doesn’t want to confront the Caretakers. But he is laughing, pulling her along. She has never seen him so... boyish.

“Trust me,” he calls, and so, she does.

He leads her to a meadow on a cliff, overlooking the sea, and below she sees and hears the Caretakers’ party: crackling firelight, drifting woodsmoke, comfortable chattering in their chirping language. He stops, still holding tight to her hand, fearing she will disappear at any moment, and they stand, catching their breath.

She is always amazed at the sight of the ocean, the vastness. The moonlight glints off whitecaps as the waves roll on in endless whirls. How can there be that much water in all the world? He watches her amazement with his own sense of wonder.

“You love the sea,” he says quietly, still watching her.

She smiles but shakes her head warily. “I wouldn’t say that. It fascinates me... and,” she shrugs, slightly abashed, “it scares me. I don’t know how to swim. Going out on that skiff on Kef Bir... that was...” she trails off. She’d been drawn out there beyond her comprehension. Compelled by something outside herself. Considering going out on this ocean before her now, she shudders. He’s still holding her hand, rubbing her palm with his thumb.

“Do you?” She surprises herself by asking. “Swim?” She pushes away a sudden image of what _that_ might look like.

He half-shrugs in the way that usually means he’s being modest. “Some.”

And then she’s surprised to find that he is reminiscing. “I was... born on Chandrila.” He hasn’t thought about that in years.

She looks at him, curious. “I didn’t know that.”

He shrugs, a slight tilt of the head. “It was the first seat of the New Republic. My mother was... working there.” Of course. “It’s a nice place.” He feels indifferent to it now, but can admit there had been some pleasant memories.

“There was a lake, near our apartment. We would go there, sometimes, as a... family.”

She smiles, imagining that.

_A lake._

_A family._

“When Chewbacca would visit, mostly. You’d be surprised at how much Wookiees love swimming... all that fur...” he shakes his head in amusement, but then stops. Maybe it was just Chewie who loved swimming? Or maybe it was he who loved swimming, and Chewie had loved it for him? There is so much of his childhood that he thought he knew, but realizes now, he has no idea.

Sensing his melancholy, she moves closer, squeezing his hand. “Hey. I thought this was a party.”

He blinks, shaking the wool out of his mind. “Of course. So, what do people do at a party...?”

He looks over the cliff to where the Lanais are gathered. The music had stopped, it seemed to be dinner time.

“Looks like there’s food,” he begins cataloging. “And drinks...” he isn’t sure what they drink. He is well aware that most cultures include fermented beverages in their celebrations, but he has rarely indulged in anything that compromises his own control.

She picks up the list. “They seem to smoke... something, in those pipes. I remember that from before. And...” the music starts again, and the Lanais gather up in formation. “Dancing. There’s dancing...”

His voice is low, deliberately calm. “I’m sorry I can’t offer you any food or drink, and I don’t have a pipe, either, but... we could dance.” He turns to her now, and her heart quickens. He looks so serious, so... earnest, that it makes her smile, and then he smiles too.

“I... don’t know how,” but even as she says it she’s leaning into him.

“I don’t either,” he whispers, taking her in his arms, sliding them under the blanket she still has wrapped around her shoulders, nestling her head on his chest. He sways slightly, completely out of rhythm with the raucous dancing going on below, as their hearts synchronize and beat as one.

************

  
Rey is late for her meeting. As she slips into the seat beside Poe, he frowns slightly. “Nice of you to join us,” he says quietly.

“Sorry,” she whispers. “I got... delayed.”

He turns now, glancing at her, wrinkling his nose slightly. “You smell like the ocean.” He furrows his eyebrows. “You take a quick vacation without inviting me?”

She chokes slightly. “No! Um... just...” but he has already turned back to the meeting.

_Something like that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for indulging my liberties with the Force Bond... it’s part of the plot, honest! Plus, it’s fun.


	16. Ben and Rey and their scars

“I’ve been dreaming about my parents... lately. But...” Rey’s voice is barely a whisper. “I don’t know what’s real, about them. And what I just... hoped, for so long, that I believed it was real. And now, after everything, I don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to believe.” They are sitting outside his hut, watching the suns rise over the ocean, and their world is all salty breezes and damp grass and endless water.

_Nobody._ _Sold you off._ _Nothing._

“Rey...” Ben’s voice is low and so close to her ear. “I’m so sorry about...” But then he rushes on, almost harsh, desperate to defend himself, to explain. “I wasn’t lying to you. I was trying to help you. I wanted you to see that they didn’t matter, _you_ mattered, free from them, whoever they were or weren’t. _Just you_.”

She sighs, nods against his shoulder. “I know. And I knew, then. But...” she wants _so badly_ to reconcile that knowledge with what’s in her heart. That they loved her. They _must_ have. They gave their lives to protect her.

"Do you think they had a choice? Do you think they were... brave? Making that choice for me? Or do you think they were.. giving up?" Her heart aches _to know, to understand._

"Everyone has a choice, Rey," he says quietly. That much he knows. "But you're here, aren't you? And you've done... amazing things. So, yes, they made a choice. And whatever their reason was at the time, they must have thought they were protecting you. That counts for a lot."

"But.. selling me? To Unkar Plutt?" her voice catches and his heart aches with hers. 

"Maybe for them that was brave. Maybe, to them the... alternative... was worse." 

She's still for a long time. Then she speaks, with a quiet confidence. "They planned to come back for me. When they could. When it was safe. I'm sure of it."

“Believe that, Rey,” he says gently. “Choose to believe that. Whatever... Palpatine was, or did... they were your parents. They loved you.”

She shivers in the chill breeze, and with just a moment’s hesitation, he pulls her gently but firmly against him, until she is nestled between his bent knees, her head snug under his chin, and as he leans back on the long bench, his strong arms around her, he thinks to her, tentatively, _Is this ok_?

_Oh yes,_ she sighs.

His hands wander softly along her arms, an idle gesture, but under his fingertips they both feel sparks of fire.

“Why do you wear this?” He asks, as his fingers graze the leather strap around her right arm. “I’ve always wondered.”

“Oh...” her sigh is almost lost in the wind off the sea. “It’s a scar. From... that day. One of Snoke’s guards.”

He flinches at the memory, that she was hurt because of him. _Again_.

“Why do you keep it covered up?”

She meets his eyes, level, measured. “Take it off.... you’ll see.”

He reaches up slowly, almost reverently, his large hands delicate as he unfastens the strap. It falls away in his hand, and he gasps. The scar looks like two hands, reaching out to each other, or just letting go. Just a breath apart.

“It hurt too much, to see it every day. To be reminded of... that day. Of you.”

“Rey.” He rubs his thumb gently along it, her skin raised along the ridges of the scar. “You should have had it repaired. Healed.”

She shakes her head, her voice barely a whisper. “I didn’t want to... forget.”

The ache in her voice breaks him. He’s reminded again of how much he’s hurt her. How much pain he’s caused her.

“Rey... I’m sorry. So sorry,” he murmurs, holding her close again. He’s said it before, and who knows how many times he’ll say it again. How many will it take?

“ _Don’t!_ ” Her voice is sharp, loud. He pulls back, unprepared for her vehemence. “Don’t apologize to me any more for the past. It’s done. It... hurts too much, to remember. I just... I just want to look forward.”

Ben closes his eyes, his mind, everything, just for a moment. And in the blissful silence of his own thoughts, he remembers what Anakin said... _live to walk down it_.

He has a _choice_. He has to decide. Will he accept her forgiveness, that which he doesn't deserve, could never earn, will never repay? Is he strong enough to stop looking back? And as he sits looking over the sea, Rey in his arms, both of them alive, _breathing_... it's obvious. Anything less would be squandering the sacrifices of so many who had gone before him. 

He leans over her slowly and puts his lips to her forehead. It’s hardly even a kiss, but it's definitely a promise.

“Okay,” he says, surprisingly amiable, his lips just brushing her skin. Then he pulls back, looks her firmly in the eyes. “Okay. I won’t.”

“Okay,” she says, accepting. Affirming.

“So,” he rubs his finger over the scar again. “Do you want to get it repaired, now? You can get the tech for it in any major system.”

But she shakes her head. “No. No, I don’t... But you can keep the band. Toss it in the sea for me."

He accepts this with a smile. Then turns somber again. “I felt the same,” he says, reaching up to his own right cheek. “About this. I mean, lightsabers scars don't heal well anyway. And... Snoke... valued scars. He considered it a necessary reminder of my failure. But I... didn’t mind, strangely. It was something of yours, that was mine.”

“And now it’s gone...” she says wonderingly. “I’m... sorry? I didn’t know that would happen.”

“Oh no,” he smiles at her gently, eyes crinkled. “I’m not sorry. It was a good exchange.”


	17. Ben, interlude

As Luke had predicted, the caretakers slowly stop providing Ben with food. But Luke shows up again and gives him some pointers. He finds that he doesn’t mind working with his uncle now, especially on tasks where Luke challenges him to manage without the using force. It’s... refreshing.

He attempts to catalog his sins. A personal inventory of people, most of them nameless, but few faceless in his memory, that he has wronged, killed, crushed, used. He had promised Rey he wouldn’t apologize to her for the past. But she’s not the only one he owes. In these long dark hours he thinks he should just turn himself in. For justice, or retribution. Whatever that might look like.

Rey has made it clear there’s no central government right now. Even with the destruction of much of the First Order fleet, after what happened to Hosnia no system is willing to step up. Still haven’t. The Resistance doesn’t have the resources, of the wherewithal, to deal with him. And there, it would be too personal. One way or another.

But he knows a dozen systems with capital punishment who would gladly take him. In weaker moments, a dozen more without capital punishment who would take him too, let him languish in a cell for the rest of his life. But even in that he knows: no one system will be satisfied with him. He’d be torn apart eventually. In some ways it might be a relief: he might feel like he’s finally paying what he owes.

He’s not afraid of dying. Sometimes he thinks it would be preferable to this aimless existence: alive, but useless, so close but so far from the one person in the galaxy he feels at peace with. Though he tells her none of this, the only thing that stops him, is Rey. What it would do to her.

She would fight for him, tooth and nail, to the bitter end, and it would crush her. He knows his death, or imprisonment, would solve nothing. He knows personally the futility of blood lust, of revenge. It won’t bring back the dead, or heal the wounded, or repair the damage. But it would destroy the brightest light in the galaxy, and he is paralyzed by the thought of hurting her, again. The one person who might be able to actually bring healing to the fractured future. So, he waits. For what, he’s not sure: guidance from the force? A chance at redemption? Rey to give up what she is and join him in exile? Then what? 

The change of seasons on Ahch-To is subtle. It’s wet and windy year round, so Ben is surprised to find a layer of ice on his water pail one morning. He doesn’t actually know how long he’s been here, the number of days.

But later that day he finds the Caretakers doing maintenance on their own dwellings, and after observing them a while as they daub cracks and replace stones, he joins in. Tentatively, at first, but they don’t stop him. Occasionally one will evaluate his work, chattering indecipherably as she indicates missed spots, better technique, and after a few days they begin giving him more to do. And he finds a simple pleasure in helping them. Working, repairing, creating.

After a week of this, as they are ending for the day, the Matron, as he’s figured out by now, invites him, through gestures and cajoling quirks, to join them for dinner. And while his first instinct is to decline... he accepts. They can’t talk to each other, but it’s the most companionship he’s had in ages. Years, maybe. He never ate with others, before. His subordinates feared him, everyone else hated him. Socializing isn’t something he’s had much practice with. And while he can’t actually claim to be good at it, he doesn’t... hate it. The caretakers chatter with each other, passing dishes, scooping seconds, and he feels oddly... included.

As he makes his way back to his hut that night he’s surprised to discover that he’s smiling. He wonders if this is what it’s like, having friends.


	18. Ben and Hux

Ben looks up from the text to see Hux sitting across from him. Oh my. He seems to be developing quite a habit for imaginary conversations. Well, it’s one that needs to be had.

“Hux,” he says, nodding slowly.  
Hux eyes him warily. “Ren.” The voice is cold.

Ben winces. Even in his imagination, Hux hates him. Well, why wouldn’t he? When had they ever been anything but adversaries? Snoke had set them up well. From the moment they met they had been pitted against each other.

 _To keep us from teaming up against him_ , Ben realizes suddenly. How had he missed that? Surely, he had known that all along... but, no. Too focused on his own pain. His own survival. He stares now at the man before him, seeing suddenly the broken boy, so much like himself. Taken from his family, convinced there was no one left to care for him, no where else to go, nothing else left. They had both killed their own fathers. Ben is grieved at the realization of how alike they really were.

“I’ll admit, I was surprised to learn you were the traitor. I thought you hated the... Rebels.”  
“Not as much as I hated you.” Hux spits out.  
Ben shrugs. He can believe that.

Hux is suddenly unleashed. “You weren’t meant to be the Supreme Leader! That was never the plan! You earned nothing! You had no charisma, no tactical skill, no mind for strategy. You just barely managed to kill Snoke, only with help from that scavenger, and then you... you took what was mine! I was supposed to be the next leader! Starkiller Base was an unparalleled success, until it was destroyed by your mother’s band of traitors. My hyperspace tracking changed everything, we had them pinned, dead in the water, until you ruined it!

 _“Your attachments_ cost me everything! And yet. And yet, I submitted to your leadership, your judgement, against everything I believed in. I remained true to the First Order. And then you squandered it all! You spent the past year obsessed with the girl, chasing down those _Sith sorcerers relics_ ,” he practically spits out the words, “and for what? I kept the First Order alive! _I did!_ And how do you repay me, reward my _loyalty_? By shoving me aside for Pryde, out of nowhere! And Palpatine reached out to _you_? Why you? Just because of your grandfather?! You’re _nothing_ like him! You don’t deserve him! You brought down the First Order. _You_ did. You had everything and deserved _nothing_ and you destroyed it all!”

Hux finally pauses, gasping for breath, and Ben sighs. He knows all this objectively, of course. After all, the conversation is happening entirely in his head. But until he hears it in Hux’s voice, sees it coming at him with the manic intensity of so many of Hux‘s long-winded speeches, he’s never put it all together, considered it from Hux’s perspective.

Of course Hux hated him. He was right. Ben never truly cared about the First Order. Oh, he’d pretended enough to convince anyone, even himself, at times. But when it came down to it... he had squandered it. He’d killed Snoke to save Rey and free himself, not for the good of the galaxy. He had let Luke ...distract him on Crait. Not to mention the distraction of his own heart, several times over. For Han, for Rey, for his mother. What could he have done with that power, if he’d made... different choices?

It’s too late. He knows that. Hux is dead. But Ben tries now, one time, to see the man in Hux. He can’t bring himself to address Hux by his first name. He had never used it. But he does wonder about the lost, abandoned boy inside his adversary. He’d witnessed Hux’s ruthlessness many times over, sometimes appalled, but most often relieved, that this current act of brutality wouldn’t be his own burden. But hadn’t Hux witnessed just as many of his own unforgivable choices? If Ben had been able to see beyond his own pain, his own survival, would he have found an... ally?

Tears prick his eyes as he considers the man in front of him, knowing he exists now only in his memory, but grieved nonetheless. “Hux... I am... sorry. That I never saw who you were. That we might have been.. allies, if things had been different. I’m free, Hux, for the first time in my life. I’m sorry that I couldn’t offer that to you... help you find that too.”

Hux stares him down, as though daring Ben to look deeper into himself. He will have to, if he wants answers. Hux has none to give him. Ben blinks, and Hux is gone.


	19. Rey and Ben and the nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We’re at the start of a long few weeks (months?) of Covid-19 social distancing/isolating here in suburban Seattle. Writing this story has made me so happy, I hope it brings a little cheer to you as well! Thanks for joining me on this journey. More to come!

Rey is seated at the back of a packed conference room, on the fringes of another interminable meeting that doesn’t seem to have much to do with her but somehow requires her presence, when a burst of pure terror hits her. She leaps from her seat, thinking it’s coming from this room, when she realizes... it’s Ben, through the bond. Heads turn to her in confusion, and she reddens.

“Sorry... um... a tremor. In the force? Nothing to worry about, I’m sure...” here several faces turn to alarm, but she is already making her way out of the room.

“I’ll just go, um, meditate, then, and sort it all out. I’m sure it’s fine. Really.” She smiles, forcing brightness onto her face, moving quickly to the door.

“Be back soon.” She slips out, shutting the door behind her, and bolts for her room.

She arrives breathless. “Ben?”

They still aren’t quite clear on what triggers their connection, generally thinking of him, reaching out, connects them. But the bond is still fickle in it’s own way. And she had felt his terror in a roomful of people, not thinking of him at all.

“Ben...” she whispers again. But he doesn’t appear. She is scared now, perhaps something has happened to him, but what, on lonely Ahch-To, she can’t imagine. She sits on the bed, beginning her routine for meditation, trying to sink into the Force, seeking him out.

And suddenly, she sees him, in his hut on Ahch-To, and he’s... asleep. In the throes of a nightmare. He thrashes under the rough wool blanket, seems to be struggling to wake up. She sits on the edge of the bed, feeling the terror radiating from him. She has to wake him. Hoping he won’t lash out at her in confusion, she puts a hand lightly on his shoulder, reaching for him in the force as well.

“Ben,” she speaks, calmly but firmly. “Ben, wake up. You’re dreaming. Wake up,” and she puts a touch of force suggestion into the command. That hasn’t worked, in the past, through the bond, but she tries nonetheless. Their connection is so much stronger now. Then his eyes snap open, startled, and he pushes himself up onto his elbows, confusion evident on his face, terror still rippling through the bond. But then he seems to recognize her, and he relaxes slightly.

“What are you doing here?” He shakes his head, still clearing it, and runs a hand over his eyes, through his hair. It’s night on Ahch-To, and the flickers from the dying fire cast shadows across his face, fluttering light and dark. Outside there’s a distant rumble of thunder.

“You were having a nightmare... I felt it, across, the bond. You reached out to me, unconsciously...?” That had never happened before. She pauses, waiting for his reaction. He shakes his head again, still trying to loosen the hold of the dream, the terror.

He leans back on the bed, then swings his legs to the edge and sits up. She scoots over, suddenly aware of how close they are. His chest and back are bare, and he leans over, resting his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. She doesn’t know what to do, aching to comfort him but...hesitant when he’s so... unguarded. Vulnerable. He takes a few more deep breaths, then sits up, running his hands though his hair again. It’s one of his signature moves, she’s decided, when he’s tense, or confused, and unwillingly her fingers tingle at the thought of running along the same path.

He looks at her, as if finally seeing her for the first time, and is surprised. “And you’re here...” he realizes. “Even though I was unconscious, you were able to open the bond?” He’s suddenly curious about this new aspect of their dyad power.

She smiles. He’s always intrigued by a new puzzle, a new data point. “I guess so. It took me a minute of mediation, but, yes.”

He considers this, considers her, and suddenly realizes he isn’t wearing a shirt. He swallows, his mouth going dry, and pulls the blanket up a little higher on his lap. Then, frowns slightly. She’s seen him before. But things are definitely different now.

“Ben...” She isn’t going to push him, but... “was it a nightmare? It seemed awful, I could feel your fear.” Tears prick her as he reaches out suddenly and takes her hand, covering it with his larger one.

“Thank you. For coming,” he says, looking into her eyes.  
She nods. “Of course.”

His gaze is so intent, the flickering firelight highlighting his angular features, the flames reflecting in his eyes. The air between them shimmers in the force, their connection almost tangible. She bites her lower lip softly, bringing herself back to the moment.

She sits back, not removing her hand from his but putting a bit of distance between them. “Anyway, you saved me from an interminable meeting. So, thank _you_.” She tries to release the tension with a light laugh.

He shakes his head, releasing her hand, needing his own distance. 

“It was more than a nightmare, I think...” he sighs, remembering then that it’s the middle of her day. “Do you need to get back?” he asks.

“No, honestly, it was a boring meeting. I don’t know why they think I need to be at all these things, I don’t know anything about politics, or government, or...” she’s rambling.

“Ok, then. Good.” he says, taking her hand in his again.

“It was more than a nightmare,” he repeats. He starts slowly... “There’s a place here, you might know it... a kind of a dark-side... pit?” He pauses, questioning.

“Of course. I... went there. That’s where I was coming from, in fact, when we...” When they had what? First met, really met? Touched hands? Were discovered by Luke? “When you told me I wasn’t alone,” she finishes. He smiles, and she feels the warmth of that memory between them.

“Right. Well, ok, so you do know it.” He continues. “I’ve sensed its presence, the whole time I’ve been here. It hasn’t really tempted me. I’ve been so... full, of the light side, getting used to it again, remembering how to use it. It’s different, you know.” His voice takes on that scholarly tone that she so loves to hear. “The way it moves and flows, the way it responds.” She knows a bit, but nothing like he must. Her brushes with the dark side had been involuntary, impulsive. She hadn’t taken the time to analyze them.

“So the darkness hasn’t really tempted me back... until yesterday.” He pauses, and she waits, thinking he will elaborate on what had happened _yesterday_ , but he doesn’t.

“So, I thought I’d just go check it out. See if getting closer would make it more... appealing. See if I could continue to resist it, if I could stay... indifferent to it.”

She begins to feel nervous as he talks. She wants this for him, so badly, to resist the darkness, to seek the light. She has seen such a change in him, such peace, but, she realizes, deep down, she’s still afraid that it might not last. A wave of guilt hits her, realizing that she might still doubt him, after everything he’s done, after everything they have... become.

“I didn’t plan to go into it, just sit for a bit, but when I got down, to the edge, I began to hear... voices.” He shudders, turning away again, hiding his face in his free hand.

“My whole life, Rey.” He’s suddenly angry. “My whole life, there have been voices in my head. Snoke, Palpatine, whoever. I’ve never had quiet, I’ve never known _myself_ , until now. Until, after you... When Kylo Ren died, the voices died too. But when I got down to that pit, they came back. All of them, the taunts, the doubts, the guilt and shame and horror and abandonment and all the voices of everyone who’s ever used me and everyone I’ve ever hurt, everyone who died under my hand, all of them!”

“You know that I tortured Dameron.” Rey feels his regret. “I once spent a week following him around. As kids, I mean. He was just a bit older than me, I idolized him. His parents and mine were friendly, they were in the Rebellion. My...mother, she kept an eye on him. His mother died young, I think she felt a bit of responsibility. When I was still with my... parents, we spent a week on the base. He was training to be a pilot, and I was ready to be his apprentice.” A bitter laugh escapes his throat, and Rey’s heart aches for the boy he had been.

He clears his throat and continues. “I severely wounded... Finn. I couldn’t stop what happened with Starkiller, but I knew it was an abomination. That much death, that destruction, it rocked the force. But what could I do? What did I do? And how many more died after, at the hands of the organization I led, I strengthened? I...” he trails off. The list goes on and on.

A sob escapes his throat, and her heart breaks for him. He slips off the bed onto the floor, tearing at his hair, and she gently takes his head, guiding it into her lap, freeing his hands, stroking his hair, as his tears fall silently and her heart drowns with him in grief.

He sobs silently as she strokes his head, his hands, wrapping her fingers around his fists, wishing she could shield him from the tsunami of guilt that floods him, over and over. But also knowing he will have to find a way though it if he’s to have any future.

The storm outside is unleashed, thunder and lightning ravaging the sky as rain beats against the hut, blowing in gusts through the windows. Eventually she feels him calming, steadying his breathing, and finally he looks up at her. “Thank you. When you’re here, it’s... better.”

He shakes his head. “Rey. What if... what if I’m never free of it? What I’ve done, there’s no way I can fix any of it.” Tears prick his eyes again. “None of it, Rey. What if it haunts me... forever?”

Leia’s words echo in her head... _it’s his fight_. But... no. As much as she respects and trusts Leia, she’s wrong. _Two that are one_. He isn’t alone, even in this.

Rey smiles, shrugging slightly. “I don’t know, Ben. It... might. We can’t change the past, but... the future, we can make that whatever we want.” _We_ , _Ben_. _We_.

“That’s the only way forward. To choose, everyday, over and over again, as many times as it takes, to choose who you want to be.” She runs her hand from his head down his cheek, tracing again the scar that isn’t. She wonders if she’ll ever stop looking for it. “And I’ll be here, with you, if you’ll let me, as many times as it takes, to help you... find the way back.”

He turns quickly, rising to his knees in front of her. “Rey...” he traces her own cheek with his thumb, swallows, then speaks in her mind. _I’ll always let you in. Always_. She smiles, nods, feeling again the intensity of their bond, and marveling at how... beautiful he is. She blushes then, realizing where her thoughts are headed while he’s so vulnerable, but looking down brings her gaze to his chest, and she’s flustered all over again.

“Will you..” his voice is a breath against her temple. “Will you stay? With me? Tonight. Just to... stay?” He swallows hard. So nervous, still so afraid of rejection. She looks up into his eyes.

“Of course. Anything.”

He smiles, trying to shake his nerves, not wanting there to be any misunderstanding. “I don’t mean... _anything_ ,” and his eyes blaze into hers. “Just, be with me. Keep the voices away. Please,” he whispers.

She nods again, and he stands up, moving onto the bed and scooting as far back to the wall as he can, pulling her along with him, gently but surely. His eyes don’t leave hers until she turns away, laying down with her back to him, and he folds one arm under her head, wrapping the other around her, fingers entwined with hers against her stomach. Warm. Solid. Her nerves are jangling, being so close to him, but she opens herself up to the bond, and feels his reassurance, his satisfaction, and then his utter peace at holding her close. _Thank you_ , echoes in her mind, and she frees her fingers from his, spreading his hand across her stomach and covering it with her own, tucking herself into him. She sighs as she feels him relax, his contentment pulsing gently in her mind as he drifts off. She can’t imagine how she could ever sleep, with his warmth curled around her, his smell of saltwater and sunshine, his breath in her ear...

But then she awakens, alone on the floor in her own room, the mottled jungle sunlight setting outside her window.


	20. Ben and Rey, finally

“That was.. I mean... thank you. For your help. For... staying.” Ben says the next time they meet. It’s evening for her. She’s been waiting a night and a day to see him again.

Rey smiles softly, her cheeks pink. “Oh Ben, of course... and, it was, wasn’t it?”

The look on his face sets her stomach swooping. The intensity of their time together lately... it startles her. They’re not just talking to each other across time and space. It’s as though they are actually _together_. She’s sitting in his hut on Ahch-To, she can smell the sea, hear the porgs chirp, feel the heat of the embers radiating from his fire, and yet... could it really be that easy? Can she be with him _and_ the Resistance? Is that the gift of the force, that she doesn’t have to choose one or the other? Ben, whom she first met across that fire, and then lost on the _Supremacy_ , she’s found him again. They’ve found each other. Finally.

“So... which one of us is going to become nocturnal? I don’t mean to be presumptuous but it would be easier if it was you. Your daily routine isn’t quite as... structured.” She tries to put a playful smile to the words, realizing that her heart is suddenly pounding at the idea. At even the _thought_.

Ben’s eyes go wide, but his presence in the force is suddenly... contained.

“Rey...”

And she’s embarrassed now. There has been so much history between them to process, to overcome. He’s been so careful with her, so courteous not to pressure her with their connection. She’s afraid to change what they have, and can’t fathom leaving things the way they are, but he had made it clear: _I want to take it slow. With us._ And here she is, suggesting they... pressuring him into...

“I’m kidding! Kidding, really. It’s ok. It’s good, probably, that our days and nights don’t line up, because...” and suddenly her voice slows, and she can’t remembering what it’s like to breathe, because the longing ache that radiates through the bond is overwhelming, and is it his... or hers?

And all she can see are those eyes... those eyes that told her she wasn’t alone, those eyes that clung to her as he betrayed Snoke with the slightest flick of his fingers, the eyes that finally smiled at her on Exegol. No one has ever seen her with eyes like that. No one else ever will.

“Or... I could come to you.” She says quietly, not even sure what she means. For the night? Or forever?

And yet, he’s still... contained. After everything they’ve said, done, _become_ to each other, he’s still...

“Oh, Ben...” it escapes as a sigh before she can stop herself.

_Don’t be afraid. I feel it too._

**********

He can’t remember when he fell in love with her... but in this moment it feels important to _know_ , to pinpoint. Was it that vicious, violent day in the throne room, when she had come to him on blind faith, faith he didn’t even have in himself, and fought for him, and with him, and finally against him? Because he needs to know it’s not Kylo who held her last night, it’s not Kylo who wants to hold her every night to come, because Kylo _thought_ he loved her, but he had no idea, what this is like, what _she_ is like and what loving her would really feel like. But when did Ben figure it out? Because he can hardly believe that after all the memories, all the time, all the truths they’ve shared, she’s welcoming him, inviting him...

And now he’s on his feet, moving toward her by reflex. By instinct. He kneels before her, his hands resting lightly on her knees.

But maybe Ben knew all along, maybe it _had been_ Ben all along, who saw her and cared for her and he had just... _hidden it away_. The way he’d hidden Ben inside Kylo, behind all the masks: some made of metal, some of flesh.

“I don’t deserve this,” he whispers, strangled. “You, your mercy, your compassion... any of it.” His hands grip her knees, as though afraid she’ll disappear when she knows his truth. As though there’s any way he won’t eventually lose her.

She runs a hand lightly over his head, brushing his hair behind his ear. Her fingernails barely graze his temple but leave sparks in their wake, a trail of starlight illuminating his blackened soul. Uncovering what he'd thought long buried, igniting what he’d thought long dead.

“What do any of us deserve?” she murmurs.

She needs to know, he _needs_ her to know, to see, what he’s held for her, for so long. Slowly, so cautiously, he rests his forehead against hers and offers up to her the box that he’s kept in the deepest corner of his mind for so long. Hidden from everyone: from Snoke, Palpatine, even from himself at times. And he waits, scared even to breathe, as she opens it carefully, as a precious gift. He almost cringes, it is so small and pitiful, he thinks, what he has to offer her, but it is clear and true and made of light. And under her gaze... it is radiant.

She clutches at his hands that still cling to her knees, and his whole body is suddenly weak, tingling. Her feelings are cut from the same stone, her own facets match his perfectly.  
“Yes, Ben,” she breathes, eyes drifting closed, “ _yes_.”

Gently, hesitantly even, he lifts his hands to her face, reverently brings his lips to hers. So lightly, it’s almost delicate, and though her lips are so soft and cool and _welcoming_... he wants her to decide.

And oh, she answers, quickly, decisively, as her lips part against his, just enough for a soft sigh to escape. A low groan catches in his throat and his hand moves to the back of her neck, tangling in her hair. She tips her head into his touch, and he can feel her smile, her delight, her _relief_. Matching his. And she _responds_.

And then there is nothing but this, between them, his hands in her hair, as she clutches at his back, his sides, and he hears in his mind, _finally_. He smiles back at her through the bond, pulling her to him, and echoes back. _Finally_.

When they break apart he’s breathless, and her eyes are shining. He sits up next to her on the bed and again leans his forehead into hers, breathing together, his fingers still twining in her hair. Savoring this infinite moment. He’s grinning, and she smiles shyly, looking dazed.

He speaks softly, his voice low. “I’ve wanted to do that for so long.” His confession is ragged with long-denied dreams.

“You have...?” She asks shakily, tears pricking her eyes.

“Mmhmm.” He rumbles low in his throat. “On Exegol, that was... but really, it's been since... that terrible red day...” his voice hitches. “I should have done it then. I should have kissed you then, and I would have known, I wouldn’t have stayed, I would have followed you anywhere,” he’s rambling now, desperate to change what can’t be undone.

“No, Ben, no, stop,” she’s soothing, running her hands though his hair again, smoothing it away from his forehead, brushing soft kisses across his brow, his cheeks. “I’m here now. You’re here, I’m here, it’s okay. We’re okay.”

“You risked everything for me, and you were right to reject me. I didn’t deserve you.” He needs her to know why this is so hard for him, he needs her to _understand_.

“Ben,” she puts a finger to his lips, interrupting, the memory a shard through her heart, “I wasn’t rejecting you,” but he reaches up gently, moving her hand away but keeping it in his.

“I’m glad you did. You were right to.” he says. “But at the time... you broke my heart. I only wanted to protect you, to have you by my side, and I thought you wanted that too. Just me. And then when your first thought, after, was for the _fleet_ ,” he shakes his head ruefully, “I was so hurt, so... betrayed. But it was my fault. The power, the sudden freedom...It was too much. I... forgot who you are, your heart. The reason you came to me in the first place. I was only thinking of myself then.”

“But later, I realized... ” He looks away, and she catches a flash of embarrassment in the bond, before he steadies himself and continues. “I...admired you more for not joining me. Standing by your friends, standing for what you believe in, that’s who you are. That’s what I... love about you.

“Ben...” She runs a hand lightly through his hair, and his heart is near to bursting. His name in her voice falls upon him like a miracle, like morning dew in the desert, like a first snow. In this moment he’s convinced: if he’d known how it would sound as a sigh on her lips, he never would have let it go.

“And, you were right. You came to me, and I did turn. It took a while... but you were right about me.” Her faith in him, and in herself, had saved them both.

She smiles at him, that same smile he first saw on Exegol, a sob catching in her throat, and suddenly he needs more of her, all of her. He reaches his hands around under her thighs and her breath catches between a laugh and a gasp as he pulls her onto his lap, straddling her legs around him. He finds her mouth again, exploring her with all of his senses. She sits up over him as his hands discover her, and she’s arching into him, _closer_ , as he moves against her, that primal instinct again.

_Take it off_ , he hears in his head. He grins against her kiss, and leans back, releasing her to pull his shirt up over his head. She sits back, admiring the view, and he positively _preens_ under her gaze, keeping one arm up over his head, letting her drink him in, he can hardly believe he’s earned _her_ , welcoming her admiration. She places her hand lightly at his hip, trailing soft fingers up his taut side, lingering in the dark hair under his arm until he closes his eyes, a low groan escaping as he shifts under her lap. She smiles then, mischievous, and leans in to kiss him again, long and slow and full of promise.

His fingers fumble with the foreign fastenings at the collar of her shirt. She watches him, her breathing shallow, her skin fiery with each graze of his fingers. He finds himself wishing for that breezy wrap around number she wore for so long. She smiles at the stray thought and grants him yet another mercy, reaching up to finish the job for him. He slides his hands under her shirt and pulls it up over her head. She wears just a thin cloth band around her chest, her skin pale and smooth. She is the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. He spreads his hands against the firm expanse of her back, the taut soft skin of her belly. His vision sparkles with a brief vision of _them_ , of what they can do, what they will do, and it’s inevitable, it’s destiny, and it will only ever be her, him, _together_...

And then, he pauses. Pulls his hands down, grasping her hips to steady himself, gasping with the effort of stopping, leaning his forehead against hers, catching his breath.

She opens her eyes, confused. _Ben?_

He takes a deep breath, then another, shuddering with the effort of letting go, his hands still on her hips, a conscious effort to hold her lightly now, reassuring, not grasping.

“You know I want you... _us_.” His voice is low, hoarse. “More than anything.” The bond between them, the force around them, it’s almost visible, incandescent, _luminous_ with the intensity of their connection.

“But... Rey... not like this. When we come together... I need it to be all of you. All of _us_. Body and soul. To be together, forever. Not when we could be separated, at any moment. I need... _all of you,_ ” he repeats. “Any less would be...” he looks desperately at her. “You understand, don’t you? Tell me you understand.” _Please_.

And for a moment it’s almost as if she doesn’t, as if she won’t accept... they’ve waited _so long_ to find each other... but then she takes her own breath, feeling what it costs him to release her, echoing back her own disappointment, her own longing... but also, understanding. _Yes_.

She nods her head against his. “Of course. Yes. I know. You’re right.” Her breath still comes in bursts, hot against his cheeks, his lips, and her hands clench at his waist.

He had been half hoping she would disagree, fight him on it, but of course, she doesn’t. They know each other too well.

He’s not even sure now what he meant, he’s a fool, she’s here and they’re together and.... just that it would be too hard, too much, to have some of her and not all of her, to be at the mercy of the force to connect them, to be...

He kisses her lightly again, lingering just a moment, then pulls her down next to him on the bed, wrapping his arms around her. She leans her head on his chest, her hair like silk, and he thinks for a moment of his shirt, that it would be more... appropriate, to put it back on.

“Don’t be too hasty,” she says, running her fingers lightly along his side.

He tenses, and then, “Mmhmm.” His amusement is a ripple in the bond and a rumble in her ear.

Then he turns serious, swallows hard. _But... yours...please._ She hears the desperation in his request, and she sits up, grinning, and slips her tunic over her head. He doesn’t even try to hide from her his equal measures of relief and disappointment. He wraps his arms around her as she settles back next to him.

They lie together quietly for some time, regaining equilibrium. His fingers move in languid scrolls on her arms, her back, as she rests against his chest, her head rising and falling with each breath. This is enough, for now, just to know. _More than enough._ A storm has blown through, and though it’s day here the sky is dark, the light in the hut all shadows and haze, and rain begins to drum on the roof.

Finally she speaks, softly, cautiously. “Ben... have you ever... done... this? Before?”

“No.” She feels his smile in her heart. “Before...I was a bit... awkward...” He laughs once to himself, feeling this is an understatement, and she smirks. “And I wasn’t popular, at the temple. The other students were... wary of me. Partly my relationship with Luke, but mostly my own resentment. I didn’t try hard to make friends. By the time I... filled out” she runs her fingers over his chest again. _Filled out_ indeed. “My reputation had been established. But I didn’t care, at that point. It was too late.”

“I’m glad.” She squirms a little, snuggling up to him, and he feels her relief, her satisfaction.

He tightens his arms around her, almost afraid to ask, knowing where, how, she had grown up,  
“Have... you?”  
“No!” She says. “No. Thankfully. But I did always carry my staff. Everywhere.”

He is so relieved for her, so thankful. He kisses the top of her head, vowing in his own heart to always protect her. _Even from yourself?_ growls the voice in his head, the one that still doubts. But he shuts it away. Not now. Not today.

She’s thoughtful again. “Have you noticed the bond is... changing? Getting stronger?”

He nods. He had noticed, has in fact been considering it for some time.

“When it first started, I could see only you, in my world.” Remembering the contempt she held for him then is almost confusing, like someone else’s memory. Of course, she’d had her reasons, very good reasons, but it seems now like a fading dream.

“And I you,” he confirms. What a puzzle that had been, the first time. But for him...thrilling. The _curiosity_. The possibilities were so... enticing, even then.

“And now,” she gestures around, “I’m obviously in your room. But sometimes, you’re in mine. I mean, we walked around the island together!” He hears her memories as she thinks back: the clatter of the hairpins. Falling asleep with him and waking up on her floor. “How do we determine who’s where? If someone walked into my room right now, what would they see? Would I even be there?”

He shakes his head, considering. “It is quite a mystery. I’ve been though most of those books and there’s not much there.”

She raises her head to look at him. “All the books?” She’s incredulous.“You’ve read all the books.”

He nods, shrugs. “Not yet, not all of them. But most of them.”

She collapses back onto his chest, exasperated. “I had them for a year and barely made a dent! How do you do that?”

He chuckles. “There’s not much to do here. And, I’ve always enjoyed studying. When I was with Luke... well, there are some good memories. Exploring old Jedi sites, searching out artifacts, deciphering arcane texts,” he’s teasing her now. “I was always good at that part.”

She smiles, shaking her head in disbelief. “Well, you have at it. I’m glad you’re happy.”

He laughs again, quietly, squeezing her tight for a moment, then reaches over, pulling his blanket across them both. It’s better than he ever dared to dream, holding her. Being at peace with her. He could stay like this forever.

“But, seriously, Ben. The bond? How does it work? Where are we right now, really?”

“Well, Rey.” She shivers as his voice rumbles through his chest to her ear. “We’re... together. Beyond that, I don’t know.”


	21. Rey and Ben, stuck

Rey awakens to blinding sun in her eyes. She’d been disoriented the last time she’d fallen asleep with Ben and woken up alone, but shaking the sunlight out of her eyes, she realizes.

She’s still on Ahch-To. Not back in her room on Ajan Kloss. She turns over, confused. Ben is asleep next to her, his hair in his eyes, the blanket tangled around his legs, utter peace on his face.

“Ben.” She touches his shoulder, trying to wake him gently but urgently. “Ben, wake up.”

He opens his eyes slowly, gives her a half-smile. _Those eyes..._ “Hey...” he clears his throat, shaking the sleep out of his mind. “You’re still here.” His eyes widen suddenly, realization dawning. “You’re still here. Why are you still here?”

“I don’t know.” She’s trying to cover her concern. “Last time, after we fell asleep, I woke up in my room. I don’t know, it wasn’t a conscious choice. I... assumed the same thing would happen again.”

“Well, can you... leave now? I mean, if you need to...” he smiles, reaching out to stroke her cheek. “Not that I want you to leave. But, I can feel your tension. You’re not trapped here, I’m sure.”

She hasn’t considered not being able to control the bond in a long time, they’ve gained so much mastery over it in the last few months. So she tries what usually works: just think about leaving. But nothing changes. She is feeling a bit of panic now.

Ben reaches out for her hand, gently. “Hey, we’ll figure it out. Maybe I should... get up, move away from you?” he suggests, already getting to his feet.

He grabs his shirt and slips it over his head. “I’ll just,” he gestures outside, smiling encouragingly.

She nods. “Ok, yes. Thanks. I’ll... see you later?”

He pauses to brush his knuckles lightly against her jaw, lingering just a moment, still smiling gently. “Later.”

Outside the storm has cleared, the setting of the suns casting a glow of pink and gold across the sky. She watches as he disappears from view, then tries again, picturing her own room, the Resistance base, putting up a mental barrier against the bond. She is still sitting there, panicked now, when Ben comes back. He steps through the door and stops.

“Hm. I’ve never before been... disappointed to see you.” He narrows his eyes, pondering the situation, as she reaches out and grabs his arm.

“Ben. What’s happening?” She’s scared.

He has a brief thrill at the idea of her being with him, always. But not like this. Not a prisoner.

“First of all,” he says, reluctantly, “we do know that... touch... binds us together. So,” he reaches down and gently removes her hand from his arm. Smiling sadly, he holds her gaze, imploring her to know she isn’t being rejected. _As much as I’d love for you to stay..._ That he cares enough for her freedom, her choices, to help her leave.

She nods, pulling herself together. “Right. Of course.”

Then she cocks her head, as though listening to something far off. “Do you hear that?” Ben shakes his head, mystified. He hears only the wind and the waves and the porgs, chattering in the distance. He prods the bond, trying to understand, and hears faintly... _Rey...?_ A voice, calling her name.

She hears it again, stronger now. “Finn! Ben, it’s Finn. He’s... looking for me?” She takes a step back from Ben, unconsciously separating herself from him, trying to connect with her own world.

“Maybe if I reach out to him, it will... pull me back?” He shrugs, nods. Jealousy rises in his chest at the thought of her reaching through the force to another man. Finn had helped her escape from him before, on the _Steadfast._

_No_. That was then. He nods again, encouraging. “Try it.”

She looks at him gratefully. “I’m sorry....” her eyes imploring him to understand, she needs to get... back, that’s all.

He nods again. “Go. I’ll see you later.”

She’s already closing her eyes, turning inward, seeking Finn’s familiar presence.

And then, she’s gone. He stares for a long moment at the place she’d been, then sits down on his bed, still warm from where she slept curled beside him, and hangs his head in his hands. Why does it feel like he’s lost her?


	22. Rey and Finn

Rey opens her eyes in her own room, Finn banging on the door. “Rey? Are you in there? Are you ok?”

Relief floods her as she yanks open the door. “Finn! I’m here, I’m fine! Oh, thank you!” She exclaims, wrapping her arms around him. “Thank you!”

He returns the hug, surprised at the enthusiasm of her greeting but relieved to see her. “Rey. I’ve been looking all over for you. You missed the morning briefing, I thought you must have gotten up early. I went over all your usual spots, the cafeteria, the Falcon, no one had seen you... I was really worried.” He pulls back to look at her, as though checking she’s really all right.

She’s still catching her breath, calming her heart as she tries desperately to figure out what had happened: Ben, the bond, how to explain without...

“I’ve been here, Finn, all along. I was asleep. I guess I just didn’t hear you knock?” She tries to make light of it.

But Finn shakes his head. “No, Rey, listen...” he pauses, and she realizes he’s nervous. There’s something he isn’t telling her. Does he already know about Ben? How?

“Finn, what is it?” She asks gently, pulling away from his hug but keeping a hand on his arm, hoping he will trust her with whatever he knows, or suspects...

“Rey...,” he takes a deep breath, running a hand over his forehead, “Man, this sounds creepy, but, well, I can always tell... where you are. When you’re nearby. I just kinda think of you, and I can tell you’re there. And this time, Rey, I’m telling you, you were gone. I... couldn’t find you.” He frowns, shaking his head.

“Gone...?” She echoes. Gone. Had she really been...she stops, suddenly catching up to what Finn is saying.

“Finn! You’re using the force?” She isn’t sure if it’s a question or a statement. It suddenly seems so obvious. “You can feel the force!”

“Well, yeah, I mean, I think so?” He sounds a bit sheepish, embarrassed, even. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about it, but it just never seemed the right time, and then, you've been so busy lately, and distracted, and...” he tails off, shrugging, a crooked smile, hopeful, pulling at his mouth.

“Finn! That’s fantastic!” She’s astounded. Of course she should have known. Guilt hits her in the stomach, it’s so obvious now, in hindsight. She levels her voice, looking him in the eye.

“I’m so sorry I haven’t noticed, or paid attention. You’re right,” she smiles at him gently, feeling convicted, delinquent in her part of their friendship. “I have been distracted lately. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s nothing. You are kind of a big deal in the Resistance now,” he gives her a goofy grin, an apologetic shrug. “But you know, if you did have time to give me some pointers or something... I mean, I wouldn’t have to be your apprentice or anything,” And she laughs, still shaking her head at the whole situation, “but I would like to get better at it. If you think I could. I mean, if you think I’d be good at it.” He’s suddenly nervous again.

“Finn.” She’s so pleased for him. “I would be honored. Really,” she says, smiling at him, squeezing his arm.

“Ok, well, cool. Thanks. And maybe it’ll be fun for you, having another force user around, right? It’s gotta be a bit lonely, at least, that’s how I’ve felt, lately, not really knowing what to do with it, how to... control it.”

A wave of exhaustion washes over Rey now, tears coming to her eyes. She has been so busy with the new government, and of course, so wrapped up with Ben, that she’s completely missed what’s been going on with her closest friend.

“I am sorry, Finn, truly, that I didn’t notice, and that you didn’t think you could tell me.”

Tears spill over as the weight of the morning’s events settle on her. The sweet safety of her night with Ben shattered by the panic of being stuck on the island. Her relief at being rescued by Finn tempered by the realization that whatever was happening with their bond, things with Ben had changed. And now Finn, with his life-altering revelation that she had been too distracted to notice.

“Rey, come on,” Finn says, patting her arm awkwardly. “I forgive you, or whatever, no big deal. I mean, now you know, right? And now we can... work together?”

“Yes. Absolutely.” She says firmly, swiping at her eyes. “You’ll be my first... apprentice, I guess. I’m not really up on all the details of how that works, and honestly I’m not even sure I’m really a Jedi. But I’d love to help you.”

“Thanks...” he seems relieved, but then frowns again. “So, where were you, really? This morning?”

She looks away, briefly considering telling him about Ben, about their... connection. It might be good to have someone on their side, someone who understands. But then she looks back into his eyes and is startled by what she sees there. And by what she feels, from him... it isn’t what she expects from her... friend.

Inspiration strikes her. “There is a technique for... cloaking oneself in the force. Hiding, basically, making your force presence invisible. I’ve been... working on it. Maybe, in my sleep, I was practicing... unconsciously?” She puts as much truth into the statement as she can, not sure if he’ll believe her, how sensitive he already is to the force. To her.

But he grins. “Really? That is so cool! Man, that could be useful. Sneaky, though. Yikes. Could you teach me that? But, I mean, when would you ever need it, there’s no other force users around, right? Just us, so, unless we need to hide from each other, but that’d be weird, right?” The hopeful expression on his face twinges her heart.

“Right...” her laugh is only slightly forced. “And it’s a pretty advanced skill. We could work on it, eventually.” She shrugs, then puts on a placid expression, moving away. “But first, how about breakfast?”


	23. Rey and Ben and the force

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has become quite a bit angstier for Ben than I originally intended. I mean, I’m the one writing it and I’m sad for him. I’m trying to wrap it up quickly so we can get to the happy ending! Thanks so much for the comments and kudos, it’s very encouraging!

“I’ve been figuring some things out.” Ben says bluntly.

Rey looks up, surprised. She hasn’t seen him in several days. She’s gone to interminable meetings, run the training course for hours, tuned up the Falcon and most of the other ships currently in the fleet, and throughout, he’s been... with her. In her mind. But guarded. Blocked off. He isn’t angry, or hiding, he’s just... distracted. Focused on something she can’t pin down, that he doesn’t want her to see. That he doesn’t want to share.

She’s not taking it personally. She’s actually relieved, if she’s honest with herself, that he’s not reaching out. Being trapped on the island scared her more than she wants to admit. She wants to be with him, of course she does. It... _them_... has the feeling of inevitability. Of destiny.  
But not like that. Not locked together though a... _force_ beyond their control.

And then she feels guilty. Isn’t that exactly the position he’s already in: trapped on that island, waiting for...? What? She doesn’t know. Her to leave the Resistance, join him? The will of the force? Life? Death?

But now he’s here, in front of her as she’s headed back to the base from another run through the training course. And he’s so cautious. So reserved. Again.

She sighs, a worried frown crossing her face.

He mirrors her frown for a moment, then realizes how what he just said sounds, quickly adding, “About the bond, I mean. About what... happened.” He softens for a moment. “It was... so good, you being here. Being together. ” He’s so awkward at this, at confessions, at being vulnerable.

She smiles, taking a step closer. “Yes. Me too.”

But he takes a step back. Definitely apprehensive. She stops, several feet from him, sensing his distance. “Ben... what’s going on?”

He works his jaw, not coming any closer. “I found something about force dyads. In one of the texts. I had set it aside, a while ago, I’d been... struggling, with the translation.” He moves to run his hands though his hair, but stops, clenching futile fists, as though he has to wring the next words from the air.

“The passage...” he looks at her desperately, as though afraid of her reaction to what he’ll say next. “It has Sith influences.” She winces slightly, but holds his gaze. “I didn’t want to go there, I didn’t want to think that way... again...” he is radiating pain, memories.

He swallows, emotions surfacing. “It’s very rare, a force dyad.” For a moment he almost smiles, and she does too. At first it had seemed a curse, but it had become... _a gift_.

His eyes light on hers for a moment, full of longing and grief.

 _He’s so sad_ , she thinks, wonderingly. Her hands shake as nerves overtake her.

“Okay. And....?”

He clears his throat. “Physical touch will make the bond stronger. So, that explains... a lot.”

She nods, flushing slightly. They have spent the night in each other’s arms. Twice now.

“And,” he continues, “the... source also theorizes, that intimacy... of any type, is even more binding. Emotional, and physical. Any time we connect through the bond, we’re strengthening it.” Her whole body tingles, remembering their time together, his touch, his taste, the salt on his skin...

His words pour out in a rush now, explaining, trying to justify, to prove. “The Sith, they explored force bonds, battle melds, various aspects of force connection, more thoroughly than the Jedi. They weren’t... afraid, to use emotion... passion... to the fullest.”

“But, Ben!” She’s confused now, indignant. “We’re not Sith!”

“The _force_ isn’t Sith, Rey. It just _is_.” But then his voice gentles. “A dyad isn’t Sith. But the Sith have been more willing to explore the idea, pursue the... potential. And the consequences.”

“Consequences....?” She echoes.

He looks up at her now, gauging her with his eyes, and she can see he’s trying to remain guarded. But the bond is so strong she can’t help feeling his emotions. He’s sad, she understands that, but also... guilty? Ashamed? She can’t place where that’s coming from. Surely he doesn’t regret...

“Ben... what aren’t you telling me?” She longs to reach out to him, to comfort him, and to draw on his strength, but he remains distant.

“The text also theorizes that the... weaker person will anchor the stronger one. So, wherever the weaker member of the bond is, or whatever they are... involved in, the stronger half will be drawn to. Possibly, eventually... trapped with.” He frowns, forehead creasing. “They meant ideologically, I presume. The translation is obtuse. But it makes sense it would apply... physically, as well. If they are... involved.”

He thinks to himself, now, that he had wanted _all of her_. Isn’t that what he’d said, why he’d stopped them, that night? And of all the things he’s ever asked for, the force decides to grant him this. She is yet another casualty of his _weakness_ , his pathetic _needs_.

He turns away as she stares in shock. “Ben! That doesn’t make any sense. I was stuck in your world, not...” and then she stops. “Oh.”

He feels her embarrassment. His heart goes out to her. It isn’t her fault. None of this is her fault. “It’s you, Rey. You’re the stronger one. We’ve always known that. At least, I have.” He smiles at her, the first time in this conversation, and she’s immensely relieved.

But then he darkens again, almost musing, his frown returning. “It’s reflected in the Sith Rule of Two. A master can’t tolerate an apprentice who is _weak_... but a truly worthy apprentice will someday overthrow his master. It’s... a constant struggle. Balance. Weakness must always be... guarded against. Excised.”

“I always feared that I would end up hurting you.” He sighs now, shaking his head, taking a step back from her, raking a hand through his hair. “That I would bring you down. That eventually, one way or another, being with me would harm you.”

She doesn’t know where to begin, what to make of... any of it. Her heart aches for him, the pain in his voice, those expressive eyes glistening, the rest of his face a mask. He’s still so hard on himself. Still doubts himself. Doubts _them_.

“Ben...” she approaches slowly, offering her hand, imploring, trying to pull him out of that place of self-loathing that he still retreats to so easily.

He backs away, fear in his eyes. “Don’t, Rey. I don’t want to hurt you, draw you here.”

“But I’m not there now, I see you, standing in my jungle!”

“We’re not touching right now, Rey. We’ve always known that, since that first night over the fire. It’s... touch that bring us together, that brings you to me.”

“But that first time across the fire, you came to me! Luke saw you!”

“I don’t know, Rey!” He bites back his exasperation. It isn’t her he’s mad at.

“I don’t know,” he says, gently this time. “Our bond was weaker then.” He sighs, another painful memory crossing his face. “Did I ever tell you how scared I was for you, in that moment? When I saw him there, and then I was gone. Knowing what he tried to do to me because he suspected darkness in my heart? What would he do to you actually seeing you associate with... me?” _That you would be hurt because of me._

She shakes her head. That was so long ago. “But you _have_ come to me, sometimes... the braids...” she trails off, the memory of that night still tender in her heart.

“That’s what I mean, Rey. The bond has been getting stronger. I was with you there. But I haven’t come to you since. You always end up with me. The more time we spend... together, the more you become anchored to me. Tied to my world.” She feels his longing, the ache in his heart. “As much as I would love you here, with me, always... it’s not where you belong. Not like this.”

She’s quiet, considering. “I’m not leaving you, Ben. Whatever this means, whatever we have to do... I’m not giving you up.”

He smiles, softens his stance and his mental barrier, letting her in to feel what she means to him, what her loyalty feels like in his heart. “I know.”

“So... can we, I don’t know, weaken the bond, a bit? Spend less... time together? Reset it, back to where it was, before we...” She blushes, remembering their night together, but he meets her eyes with his, burning into her soul.

“I don’t regret it. Not one bit. I meant everything, every word.” He’s fierce now, and she feels his determination, his conviction.

“I know! I don’t either. It was...” she smiles, trying to convey with her heart what she can’t say. “But maybe if we... slowed down. Took some time off, from each other.” She shrugs, confused. It really doesn’t make any sense to her, any of this. She’s gotten so used to him. He is her oasis, her place of peace amid the crazy new life she’s wrapped up in: government, politics, Jedi training, galactic hero. It’s all too much sometimes. But Ben... he’s never enough.

“Until we find a way to really be together... live together, in the same place” she says shyly. His heart leaps at the hope in her voice. But then, reality.

 _Rey... how?_ He asks in her mind. _You know that’s what I want, what I dream about. But... how will that ever work?_

“I don’t know, Ben.” She speaks aloud, determined already to depend less on the bond. “But it has to. Someday you’ll be able to be just Ben Solo.” She smiles lightly at the thought. “And this,” she waves her hand to indicate, well, he isn’t sure what. The Resistance, the jungle? “Can’t all go on forever. Eventually they won’t need me any more.”

“Rey.” He sighs. He doesn’t believe it, but can’t find it in his heart to contradict her. The galaxy will always find a way to need her, she _is_ the last Jedi. There will always be a task to accomplish, a problem for her to solve, someone in need of help. And she will always be willing. It’s who she is. It’s just one of the many things he loves about her.


	24. Ben and Leia

Ben spends the rest of the day outside. After years of living on starships, he relishes being unconfined, surrounded by life. He doesn’t even try to mediate. The force has betrayed him. Or, is punishing him. Either way, he wants nothing to do with it right now. So he lies on his back in the grass and stares at the sky. It’s a windy day, but no rain, and the clouds roll by at a furious clip, an endless, meaningless swirling overhead.

_We’re waiting for... something_ , she’d said, her gaze almost dreamy, staring into the half distance, looking for the future.

_What, Rey?_ he’d asked, urgently, almost desperately. _What have you seen?_

But she’d shaken her head... _Not seen..._ her brow creased in confusion, trying to hold onto something she can’t quite grasp. _But, it’s there, Ben. When we get there, it will be there._ That hazy voice again, but her certainty unmistakable.

He wishes, not for the first time, that he had her faith.

He tells himself he cares enough for her to let her go, and tries to talk himself into accepting a life without her, without all of her. She’ll always be with him, though the bond. That’s true. They will never be alone. But now he would almost prefer if he was. To have her so close to his soul but so far from his heart is torture.

***************

He sits up, running a hand through his hair. He can’t remember when the suns had set, but he realizes now how much time has passed. The clouds part and moonlight spills across the meadow.

And there she is.

“ _Mother....?_ ” His voice is barely a whisper. Surely he’s dreaming.

She looks so young, almost as young as he remembers her, the last time he saw her. She shimmers with the same iridescent blue that Luke carries.

She steps closer, slowly, hesitant, but stops several paces from him. He can see tears glistening in her eyes, the tremble of her hands, and he stands up slowly, his eyes never leaving her. Fearing if he looks away she’ll be gone.

Finally she speaks, just a breath, nothing like the firm, commanding voice he remembers. “Ben... my son...”

He is too stunned to speak. He’s longed to see her, to have one last glimpse of her, but this is too much, more than he had ever hoped for. She’s here, speaking to him. He swallows, trying to find the words, to think where to begin. There’s so much to say.

“Mom... I’m... so sorry.” It will never be enough, but it’s all he can manage right now.

She shakes her head, and seems to finally find her voice.

“Oh, Ben, no. I’m sorry. So sorry. For not listening to you, for sending you away. For being afraid... of you. My own beautiful son,” and now tears spill from her eyes, a sight he had seen so rarely in her life.

He feels his own eyes burning now, blurring his sight of her, and he wipes them away roughly.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come to see you sooner... I knew this would be painful...” her voice is weak again, and his heart lurches.

“I’m sorry, Mom, so sorry.” Despite all the things he’s imagined saying to her, these are the only words he can muster.

“No, Ben, I mean, I knew it would be painful to come see you, and not be able to... hold you. One last time.”

His heart breaks, and he steps forward, expecting nothing, hoping for everything, and stops before her. He reaches out, tentatively, so much like that first time with Rey, not knowing what will happen, what possibly could happen across such a distance, but when his hand reaches her arm, she’s there. Not quite solid under his hand, but real, electric, and she gasps and wraps her arms around him. She’s so small next to him, but he feels himself wrapped in her arms like a child. A sob escapes his chest, spilling his grief, his relief, and she reaches up, stroking his hair like she had so many times... _before_.

“Mom,” wrapped in her arms now the words come easier. “I know... I felt what you did, reaching out to me, at the end,” his voice is low, but surprisingly steady. “ _Thank you_. It worked, Mom. I’m so sorry you had to do that, but, it worked.”

Leia’s smile shines through her tears, and a bit of her old confidence surfaces. “I didn’t _have to,_ Ben. When’s the last time you met anyone who made me _have to_ do anything?”

He shakes his head, ruefully. She's exactly as he remembers her.

“I _wanted_ to, Ben. I knew it was my time. I hadn’t been well, since the _Raddus_. That took too much out of me.” And he flinches, remembering his part in that. But Leia pats his back, as though he were a child to be comforted. “I felt you there, Ben. I know what happened.”

Leia sighs. “I knew my time was up,” she says again, matter-of-factly, “and I wanted to spend my last moments with you.”

She pauses here, and a smile comes to her face. “When I reached out, I knew you were with Rey. I knew she was close by, and I hoped... well, I hoped the mysterious ways of the force were working once again,” a touch of that Skywalker sarcasm. “And that perhaps, combined, we would be able to reach you.”

“You did, Mom. You did.” He’s still amazed by this, by her, here, now.

“She told me, much later, what happened,” Leia is reminiscing now. “On the _Supremacy_. That she went to you... what you did together.” Leia shakes her head, still astounded by that girl’s audacity. “I would have told her she was crazy. Oh, for putting her life in your hands, sure, but more for trusting those _recycled_ Falcon escape pods. Those things have got to be older than I am. _Was_ ,” she corrects graciously. “You better believe I had words with Chewie, when I found out about that.”

Ben smiles, imagining. There would have been no winner in _that_ conversation.

“And I knew, if you could do that for her... feel that for her, it wasn’t too late.”

“I’m sorry, Ben,” she says again, “for everything. For not believing you, as a child, about the voices. And I should have told you about Vader. You should have heard it from me.”

She stops, remembering a time she had long put behind her.

“I trained, with Luke, briefly, before you... but I had visions, of you, that somehow, if I pursued the Jedi path, it would... harm you. I didn’t understand it, at the time, and for years, after you... left, I thought I had been wrong, that it was already too late. That you were lost anyway. But then, when Rey came along, Ben, something about her reminded me of you. So, I thought maybe I could make up for letting you go, in some small way. And then she... you... picked up my saber, and defeated Palpatine.” Leia shakes her head in wonder. “And now you’re here, you’re back... and it wasn’t too late, after all.”

“Everything I’ve done, Ben, since you were born, until... those long days in the Senate, there wasn’t a moment, not a decision I made, that I wasn’t thinking of you, of how to make a better galaxy for you than the one I’d grown up in. But I can see now, how my... singular focus... May have left _you_ out.

“And sending you to Luke, my heart ached with missing you, every day. Even visiting you was... so hard. But I thought I was doing what was best, for you. You were such a... bright child.” She smiles fondly, remembering, the intense eyes, the dark hair, the serious gaze. “Too smart, too... knowing for your own good. But so troubled. And I thought, if anyone could help you, it was Luke. The way he went to...Vader, brought him back. Believed in _him_ when no one else did. I thought that would be good for you. I hoped that would be enough.”

Tears form in her eyes again. “I know now what he... what he did. And I had no idea. I wish you’d come to us, Ben. I wish you’d come _home_!”

She sighs, and her unerring practicality surfaces again. “But I can understand why you didn’t. We let you down, your family, too many times. I’m so sorry, Ben.”

“Mom...” he’s not sure what to say. “I know. Me too.”

Then, safe in his mother’s arms, finally, after all these years... his voice hitches again, and the truth spills out. “I don’t know what I’m doing here, Mom. Why I’m here. After you gave your life for me, after I left _him._.. Kylo... behind me, I knew what I had to do. I went to Exegol, to Rey, and I had no idea what I was doing beyond that, but I just knew I had to be with her. Whatever was next, if I was with her, I was on the right path.”

He’s shaking his head now, in awe. “And I was. We saved each other.”

He’s struck suddenly by a thought. “You, understand, right, Mom? Why I was willing to give up my life, for her? Everyone who’s ever... loved me, gave their life for me, trying to reach me. You, Han... even Luke.”

Ben is remembering now, wondering how much his mother already knows, but it feels important to say it aloud. Acknowledge it to himself.

“He stopped me, on Crait, from destroying the only good things left in my life: you, and her. I would have done it, Mom, I was so lost in the darkness then, I was heartbroken... and drunk on the freedom, the power... I would have killed you all. And then there wouldn’t have been any way back. There wouldn’t have been anything to come back _for_. And no one left to show me the way. I know he was saving you, but he saved me too.” _Yet another sacrifice that I didn’t deserve._

“So I couldn’t let her go, on Exegol, when she... died. I finally had the power to give myself for someone else. I could finally repay some of my debt.”

“Oh Ben...” Leia’s smile is bright as she smooths his hair from his face. “There’s no debt in love. There’s nothing to be repaid. It was all freely given.”

_There’s no debt in love_.

The weightlessness of that is almost more than he can bear right now.

_What do any of us deserve?_

“But now...” his shoulders sinking, his voice heavy, “now I don’t know why I’m here. Why the force preserved me. I was prepared to give my life for hers, that would have been enough. But now... I don’t know what’s next.”

“Ben,” Leia is thoughtful, considering, “If you’re hoping the force has given me some special instructions for you, I’m sorry. That’s not why I’m here. I can’t... see your path. As much as I wish I could. It's yours, and only you can find it.”

His shoulders sag. How he’d hoped there would be something: wisdom, advice...

_Comfort_. There is that.

“Oh Ben,” she confesses now, with understanding from beyond the grave, “you don’t know, how many times you broke my heart. Stirring hope, only to crush it.”

He begins to interrupt, to apologize, but she cuts him off. “No. It wasn’t about you. I mean, in myself, I had to keep choosing, over and over. To give up on you, or to believe, and to hope, no matter how painful. But every time, every new day, I found...it was always more painful to give up. So, I kept hoping. You taught me that. _Loving you_ taught me that.”

They hold each other another moment, and then Leia frowns, pulls back slightly. “I can’t stay long, this is... everything I have. But, there’s nothing else I need it for. I’m ready to move on, Ben, but I wanted you to know, that I’m so sorry. And I missed you, and I never stopped loving you.

“I made a lot of mistakes, Ben,” she confesses, and her voice shakes. “I was so young when you were born, and I’d never known a life without war, but... we always wanted you. From the moment we knew about you, we wanted you, your father and I. And we never stopped wanting you to come home.”

He has to say it, this could be his last chance. “I’m sorry about... Dad. So, so...” and the rest is lost in a silent sob.

“I know, Ben. I know. But... I don’t think he’s sorry. You came back. That’s all he ever wanted.”

He breathes as slowly as he can, savoring this moment. “I love you, Mom,” he says softly, finally.

“I know, Ben.” She sighs, and he feels her energy fading, slipping away. She looks up at him, reaching up to touch his cheek, dry his eyes one last time, but her hand passes right through him. She nods, accepting that her time is up, just as she had done before, giving her life for him. Then a gleam comes into her eyes. “Ben, one more thing.”

He nods, his heart full to bursting. _Anything._

“Don’t give up on Rey.”

He feels a wave of desperation. “Mom...”

“Oh, I know the force is giving you a hard time right now.” Leia waves her hand dismissively. “The time will come, Ben. You’ll know. And when it does, don’t blow it.” She scowls at him.

His eyes widen in surprise, and shock, and then he smirks. So like his father.

“I mean it, kid. You need each other. For some reason, she loves you... probably that Solo charm. It did a number on me,” she says ruefully.

Then she turns serious again. “Don’t let it go, the way your father and I...” but she’s already fading away. “I love you, Ben. The force will be with you...” and then the clouds shift, hiding the moon, leaving him alone in the night.

But his heart is lighter than it’s been in a long time.


	25. Ben, interlude 2

They still meet to talk, sometimes, and occasionally a light brush of his hand, a caress of her cheek passes between them. His self-control is immense, he has honed his barriers for years, and he keeps them both in check. The irony is not lost on either of them. Kylo Ren had had a reputation for tantrums, but in truth each display, public or private, had been a deliberate choice, the release of one emotion to hide another. She accuses him of punishing himself. Doesn’t he see he’s punishing her too, she asks? But he calls it _protecting_.

Rey tells him about Finn, about training him, or at least, helping him learn about the force. Ben burns with jealousy at first. Feeling replaced all too easily. But she’s gracious enough to ignore it. He works hard to convince himself that he’s glad she has a friend. And while she’s a constant sense on the edge of his mind, he misses her warmth, her smile, her presence.

He thinks about leaving the island; he still has the old TIE fighter. But where would he go? How would that change anything? There’s places he might be recognized, hunted. He could disappear to the Outer Rim, perhaps, or Wild Space. But then what? He’s somewhat lacking in the “official identity” department. Not to mention the funding. And without _her_ , one place is as good as another.

He hopes constantly for a vision of Rey, some confirmation that they will be together, eventually. Like that first one of their... _daughter_. It had felt so right, so complete. The prospect of fatherhood is still daunting, but it’s the only evidence he has that there’s a future for him, with her. In the darkest nights he clings to that hope.

And though Luke had been skeptical of force visions, cautioning that the future is always in motion, and even Snoke had treated them as opportunities to be either grasped or crushed, he spends long hours in mediation, mostly outside in the elements, and in the slipstream of the force visions wash over him, past and future...

_Himself, an old man, practically one with the force after years of solitude on the island._

_Surrounded by children of another species, laughing, delightedly touching his hair, his cloak._

_Facing a gangly boy with dark hair, so like his younger self._

_His parents, so young, in a forest, locked in an embrace as fireworks light up the sky above._

_An aged Jedi in old robes, rescuing a blond boy from a desert beast... “Old Ben Kenobi?” he hears. Tatooine. So the boy must be... Luke._

_His classmates at the temple, just before the end,_ and though he pleads with them, screams at them to run, to flee, they ignore him, and the vision ends in flames.

 _An arid planet, standing next to... Finn._ They are holding tools: shovels, and hope blooms in his heart. If Finn is there, she must be also. Why else would they be working together? But she never appears, and it hits him: perhaps they’re burying her. Ice runs through his veins, shaking him out of the vision, warm tears mixing with the cold rain on his cheeks.

And over and over again he sees _his father, falling into the abyss, as Kylo Ren drops his lightsaber, reaching, trying to catch him, to bring him back, but Han always a hair’s breadth out of his grasp._

And yet, in all his visions, his endless seeking, Rey never appears.

And then one night, a dream: he’s back on Kef Bir, desperate for his lightsaber, and though he knows he’s thrown it into the ocean, in the dream he’s convinced that if he looks just a little longer, he’ll find it. He awakes in a sweat that for a moment he believes is sea water, and he knows what to do next.


	26. Ben and Rey and the lightsabers

They haven’t met face to face in weeks. But Ben reaches out to her now, asking, and Rey responds eagerly but apologetically - _tonight. I’m sorry. I’ll come as soon as I can._ So he wraps up in a blanket and spends the rest of his night under the stars, waiting for her.

She appears just as the first sunrise hits the horizon, standing in front of him, the crisp morning light cutting though the mists of Ahch-To, or Ajan Kloss, or both, forming a halo around her. He jumps up, then hesitates.

“Hi,” she sounds shy, but pleased. Expectant. He nods, drinking her in with his eyes. Though her presence is always at the edge his consciousness, he hasn’t seen her face in quite a while.

She is wearing a dress, something he’s never seen on her before. Her hair is down, longer than he remembers, and though she is as beautiful as ever she looks thinner, weary.

He realizes he’s staring, and he smiles. It’s a stretch of muscles he hasn’t used in a while.

“Hi.” It’s not possibly enough to convey how glad he is to see her. But it’s all that comes out.

“You...” and she touches her chin, indicating his own. He frowns. “Oh, yes...” he rubs his knuckles self-consciously against the beard that has begun to grow, and notices her brushing her own fingers together.

“Sorry, it’s been...” He trails off, now seeing himself through her eyes. He has only the shaving mirror, and can’t remember the last time he used it. He must be... scruffy. Not just the beard. His hair is scraggly, longer than usual, his face tanned from the elements, thinner from the hard work and rustic food. And here she is before him, gorgeous, radiant, glowing.

“No, don’t apologize.” She smiles shyly, “I like it.” His traitor heart skips a beat.

“You look... nice.” He is almost afraid to ask. “Are you, is there... something special?” He promises himself he won’t be jealous. He isn’t.

“Oh!” She looks down, smoothing her skirt, a bit self-consciously. “Um, no, just... you.” She smiles, a question on her face, such... hope...He wants to be pleased that she cares, but he feels hollow inside, empty. He licks his lips unconsciously. Staring again.

“You look... beautiful,” he says simply. What else is there to say?

There is a pause as they hold each other’s gaze, and then they both speak at once.  
“How are you?”  
“I have a favor to ask.”

She smiles. “Yes? Anything.”

He swallows hard, suddenly nervous. “I was wondering, if I could have my... mother’s lightsaber? If you still have it.”

Her eyes widen in shock, and then her happiness fills the meadow. “Ben! Yes! Of course I have it, and, yes, it’s yours. Oh, Ben... I’ve been hoping you would ask for it.”

He’s touched by her pleasure on his behalf. That he’s able to elicit such happiness in her sparks a flare of hope within him. “I had a dream, and figured... it was time. I’d like to work with it. I’d been... afraid... until now, to pick one up again.”

He pauses, trying to put his hesitation into words.“My lightsaber was such an outlet, before, for all the... anger, rage... fear. It was an extension of myself,” and here he almost chuckles forlornly. “Right down to the cracked heart.” And she smiles, gently, affectionately.

He looks away, remembering. “When I threw it away, on Kef Bir... I was surrendering that. I was severing my basest conduit to the dark side. Whenever I was angry, or scared, or hurt, I could channel it though my saber. Take control with it. Hide behind it. Just as much as the mask.”

“But now...” he shakes his head, coming back to the present, returning his gaze to Rey. “Things are different.” He shrugs. “Energy from the light side flows differently, and I’d like to try it out... try it again,” he adds, remembering Exegol. But that had been desperation, instinct. “And, honestly, I’m a bit... bored.” He flashes her that half smile, and she is so relieved to see him looking like himself, for a moment.

She moves to the other side of her room, and pulls out a small utilitarian chest. Opening it, she pauses. “Are you sure you don’t want... the other one?” And reaching in, she pulls out two sabers, holding them up hesitantly for him to see.

He pauses, considering. He had coveted that lightsaber for years, _craved_ it. The great Skywalker saber. It had been the symbol of everything he thought he deserved, his birthright, his vindication. Until it had betrayed him at Starkiller, for her, and his carefully constructed facade had begun to crumble.

But still he hesitates. “Don’t you... need it?”

She shrugs. “I can use either, when I ... need one. On a mission. People do appreciate the symbol of the Jedi.” Not to mention that she still _uses_ it. He hates that she’s still out there, risking a fight, even only occasionally. She’d been grazed by a blaster bolt recently, ambushed while helping Finn retrieve stranded defectors from a station in the Outer Rim. Ben had carried that pain for days.

“Otherwise... I go through the forms, but...there’s no one to practice with, right now. No one like... you,” and he remembers the thrill when they fought together, both against each other and back to back. Another spark flickers in his soul at the thought of sparring with her. He shouldn’t have avoided her for so long. Just talking to her brings hope to his heart.

Then she adds offhandedly, “Finn... doesn’t want to use one.” Ben’s not too honorable to admit to himself that he’s relieved. “He’s done with combat, he says. And actually he’s turning into rather a good diplomat. And I’ve been thinking of... making my own...?”

She sounds hopeful, and he’s confused, until he realizes: she hoped they would each make their own, together.

He has nothing to say to that. Just one more dream between them that seems impossible.

She sighs. “But the time hasn’t been right... and I’ve been busy...” she trails off. A deep breath, resolve returns. “So. Do you want it?”

He slowly shakes his head. “No. It symbolized everything I ever wanted, then. But... not anymore. And I’ve recently learned... she gave it up for me, or, at least, felt she had to, for me. So, it’s time for me take it up again, for her.” He takes a breath, steadying his heart.

Rey’s eyes are shining. “You’ve seen her?” Her voice is barely a whisper. “She came....?”

He nods, but offers nothing more, and she doesn’t press him, but he feels her satisfaction, and again, his own at her pleasure.

“Well, then,” blinking tears out of her eyes, she returns the other saber to the chest and slides it back onto the shelf. Walking over to him, but stopping a pace away, she holds out his mother’s lightsaber. “Here you go.”

He reaches out to take it, and then impulsively he wraps both hands around it, over hers, and as that live-wire electricity hums between them he pulls her into his arms, folding her into him, the lightsaber between them, and she melts against him.

“I miss you so much,” he breathes, pressing his cheek to the silk of her hair.

“I miss you too,” she sighs, warm and real and solid in his arms.

“Every day I look for you in my visions,” he whispers, desperate now, “and every night, in my dreams, and you’re never there. Never.”

She pulls back to look at him, the sadness in her eyes a shadow of the grief in his heart. “Never?”

He shakes his head. “Never.”

“Oh, Ben,” she breathes, desperate for him to understand, to believe. “I see you constantly.” His legs go weak, and he staggers against her. “I see us, all the time. In so many ways.” He is shaking now, with relief, with hope.

“And... her?” _Our daughter_.

Rey nods, shyly, but he feels her joy. _Yes_.

He collapses to his knees in front of her, a single sob escaping from his throat, burying his face in her stomach, clinging to her, one hand still clutching the lightsaber behind her back like a lifeline.

 _Oh my love_. The endearment startles them both. Trapped between her heart and her mouth, it glides to him through the bond. Settling like a benediction on his soul. His grip on her dress clenches, he’s clinging to her like life itself. She’ll have a mark from where the lightsaber presses into her back, but he can’t stop, he can’t let her go. She smooths his hair, running her fingers lightly along his head, over his ears, along his jaw, as his silent tears dampen her dress. His relief is palpable.

_How? When?_

_It’s always darkest before the dawn,_ the old aphorism thrums between them, neither knowing who thought it first. He feels her spike of fear. They both know how dark it can get, in his mind, in his heart. But, as she holds him, as her thoughts caress his, surrounding him like a warm blanket, she relaxes. There is... sadness, loneliness... despair even, in him, but... there is no anger. No fear.

***********

Her heart aches for him. She knows that some things have to be broken before they can be rebuilt. _Decay_... _that_ _feeds_ _new_ _life_. The way of the force. But she worries, now, how much breaking he can withstand.

There are days, the ones that are full of politics and meetings and negotiations, or nothingness and half-hearted meditation and uncertainty, when she’s ready to give it all up, go to him. Hide out together on Ahch-To. _Be_ _happy_.

She did offer. But he won’t let her give it all up for him. So afraid of her someday resenting it. Him. _Them_.

 _You’ve_ _suffered_ _enough_ _for_ _me_.

 _It_ _would_ _hardly_ _be_ _suffering_ , she had told him. And he had smiled. But he doesn’t give in.

Not for the first time, she misses Leia. Wishes she had someone to talk to, someone older, wiser, for advice, for comfort. But neither Luke nor Leia have come to see her. And there’s no one else she would turn to. The weight of her responsibility to the Jedi is sometimes crushing, and yet, she doesn’t want to let it go. She knows it’s a gift, she can’t bring herself to give it away. There are parts of it she loves. Helping people, being part of something greater than herself. She’s doing things, seeing things, that lonely girl on Jakku never dreamed of.

***********

Rey drops to her knees now in the damp grass, facing him, still holding his head in her hands. The rays of sunrise sow fields of diamonds across the meadow as they each kneel before their own altar.

“I don’t know, but...soon, I think. Something’s coming. Don’t give up, Ben. Don’t give up on us. _Please_.”


	27. Rey and D-O

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Social isolating isn’t actually helping me get this posted faster because I have 4 wonderful, energetic, stir-crazy kids to tend to. 💗 But I do hope to have this wrapped up this week. Thank you to everyone who’s joined me on this journey. Your kind words and feedback have been so encouraging!

Rey resolves not let Ben keep her away for so long again. The next time they meet he’s shaved, which, while slightly disappointing, is overall a good sign.

In meditation lately she’s been begging, pleading for guidance, some clarity from the force, for him, for her. Their place in all this. She can see Poe growing as a leader, following in Leia’s footsteps. And Finn is developing a knack for negotiation, diplomacy, aided by his burgeoning force sensitivity. Another piece of Leia’s legacy is secured in him.

But to her, it seems, belongs the Skywalker legacy, though she aches that it might have been Ben’s. _The_ _last_ _Skywalker_. The future of the Jedi, whatever that looks like, rests with her, she knows that. Not the Jedi as they were... her feelings for Ben, among other things, have convinced her she’s not cut out for that path. Luke, Leia, they both recognized the shortcomings of that ancient religion. But there must be some way for her to carry on what was good, and noble, and true, of the Jedi heritage. To not let all they have done, and been, and sacrificed, be forgotten.

And then, only a few days later, she is returning to base from the jungle when D-O comes skittering up to meet her, spinning in excited circles on his single wheel.

“Mistress Rey - message. Incoming call for you. Very important.”


	28. Rey and the Queen

D-O barrels ahead at an excited clip, Rey almost running to keep up, wondering what could possibly have stirred the shy little droid into such a frenzy. She follows him straight to the communications room...

***********

“Please, Lady Rey,” Queen Sidra of the Maggadan Consortium is almost begging. She’s quite possibly the most beautiful woman Rey has ever seen, but the desperation in her eyes is unmistakable, even through the scratchy haze of the subspace holo transmission.

“My people haven’t had a Jedi in generations. We used to have so many, the force used to run so strong with us. Help my son, please. Tell me what you need, anything I can provide. _Anything_.”

“Your majesty...” Rey is at a loss. “I’m hardly a Jedi,” she protests, knowing she’s stalling. She’d been afraid of this happening eventually, thinking briefly of how Luke must have felt when she showed up at his door.

But no. He was a teacher. A real Jedi.

 _I’m_ _not_.

“But you know the force.” The Queen continues, her voice melodious, respectful, even in her pain. “That is more than any of us know anymore. You defeated Palpatine, the last of the Sith, so I know you are not one of them. That’s all I need. Someone to help him. He is... hurting himself, others... he can’t control it. _Please_.”

Rey looks away, her heart aching as she thinks of Ben, hearing the echoes of his own story. Wouldn’t she do anything to save another child from his fate - feared, feeling rejected by his family, by himself?

 _I can’t do this alone_ , she thinks desperately. _I’m not ready_.

An apprentice... a school... it's been a burr at the back of her mind for a long time. In all her pleadings with the force, it’s the one idea she’s been... ignoring. It’s too much responsibility.

_Look what happened to Luke._

_To Ben._

She closes her eyes, the weight of the future coalescing in this moment as she considers it now, with an opportunity finally set before her. She has to admit that working with Finn has been a pleasure, challenging herself as she learns how to challenge him. But she still knows so little of the force, really. Her own training had been a futile week with Luke, a meager year with Leia. She knows of no one else left in the galaxy who’s been trained as a Jedi...

 _Except Ben_.

_You need a teacher._   
_I can show you the ways of the force._

And then a voice comes to her through the force, rough with age but softened by wisdom, familiar even across the distance of time... _Pass on what you have learned... from our successes, yes. But also... from our failures._ **** ~~~~

Her eyes fly open as the way forward blooms in her mind, not a vision, but a certainty. _A choice_. Suddenly the future is lush with possibility, and it’s been waiting for her. To accept. To let go. To embrace. Waiting for _them_.

“All right...” she says slowly, nodding now as she addresses the Queen. She’s not surrendering yet, but in her heart, she knows. “I’ll have to talk to the leadership here. Tell me more of what you mean by ‘anything’...”


	29. Rey and Rose and Finn and Poe

An hour later, Rey has Poe, Finn and Rose in a conference room. She is bursting with the news, with her plan. Excitement, apprehension, _certainty_ swirl around her. There are others who will need to know, to approve, iron out the details, but the most important part begins here. With her friends.

“They’re willing to host a central government, and give us land on one of their moons for a school.” She will _never_ call it a temple. “Their isolationism protected them somewhat, during the Galactic Civil War. They managed better than most... But they didn’t escape the First Order. They want to help, now. Help rebuild an alliance.”

“Wow, Rey...” Poe is stunned, gaping at her, and she feels a similar reaction from the others.  
“I mean, wow. This is what we’ve been needing, waiting for! And, you’re ok with it, right? I mean, why wouldn’t you be, it’s great, it’s what Jedi do, right? Train kids, start a new order...?”

Rey sighs. “I’m not a Jedi. And I’m _not_ starting a new order. But, yes, I am... willing to help him. Teach him. But on one condition.”

Poe is practically leaping out of his seat. Rose claps her hands, so pleased, but Finn is watching her closely. He’s been practicing with the force, but where she’s concerned, it’s an instinct.

“What’s the catch, Rey?” he finally asks.

She looks down, knitting her fingers together in her lap.

“Well, if I’m going to do this... there’s something I need. With me. Someone.” She takes a deep breath. “Ben Solo.”

The explosion in the room is about what she expected.

*****************

  
“Rey. He’s a _terrorist_.”  
“A war criminal.”  
“How can we even trust him? I mean, what would that even look like? He tortured my mind, tore through it like wet paper, remember? And yours!”  
“Rey. He’s a _murderer_. He killed his own father, who knows how many thousands more. Have you forgotten Starkiller base? Crait? Kijimi?”  
“Don’t forget about Hays Minor!”  
“He’s tried to kill you _multiple times. All of us_.”  
“Why, Rey?”  
“ _Why_?”

Rey waits, using all her control to hold her tongue in check, breathing in the force, asking it to guide her path, her words, to show her friends that this is the way forward. For all of them.

When their outburst finally settles, when they realize she isn’t responding, they fall silent. She raises her head, looking each one in the eye.

“Yes." she says carefully. "The First Order did all those things. And he was... involved, in some of them. But that was Kylo Ren. And he is dead. I saw it. I felt it. I _know_ it. I told you Ben Solo survived Exegol. That he was no longer a threat to us. That he saved my life, and that he was going into hiding. But I didn’t tell you... everything.

“We’re a... dyad in the force,” she shrugs, still not sure how to explain. This is met with blank stares. “It’s a rare force phenomenon involving two souls that are...” 

“Right. It’s hard to explain,” She concedes. “But we can... communicate. We have a... bond, through the force, we can talk to each other. He’s changed.” She focuses on Finn, knowing how protective he has always felt toward her. He will be the hardest to convince. She holds his stunned gaze, imploring him to understand, to trust her.

“Kylo Ren was a creation of Snoke, of... Palpatine. He’s been a pawn, all his life. And yes, he takes responsibility for what he did. It will haunt him for the rest of his life. But, he’s changed. He’s no longer that person. He’s... free.”

Wishing they could all see in Ben what she sees, she rushes on now, trying to convince them that she has considered at least some of the details.

“He’ll need immunity, such as it is, from prosecution, should that ever... come up. But anyway, few people outside the Resistance know what his real name was. No one would know it’s him. He’s changed so much, he even looks... different. And we certainly wouldn’t have to broadcast it. Just let him have a... life.” She looks around, seeing the still _highly_ skeptical looks.

“Look,” she’s firm now. This is the voice of the scavenger who learned to fight for what she wants. “Bottom line is, if I’m going to do this, he’s going to be involved. But I’d like it much better... it would be much easier... if you could accept him.”

She pauses here, looking down again, trying to figure out what to say next, when Rose speaks, her voice soft, almost reverent.

“You love him.”

Rey raises her head, deliberately ignoring the shocked looks on Finn and Poe, and meets Rose right in the eyes.  
“Yes. I do.”

Stunned silence fills the room, but Rose smiles, nods.

“That’s how we win...” she says softly, but decisively, shrugging to herself. “Saving what we love.”

Rey smiles at Rose. _Thank you_.

Rey closes her eyes, waiting now for the disappointment, the disgust even, that she’d feared, but complete and utter shock overwhelm any other feelings in the room.

Poe finally speaks: “A dy-what now? What exactly do you mean by ‘communicate?’ You mean like, in your minds...? Force-ish stuff?”

“Well, yes,” Rey looks at him, relieved that he’s at least still talking to her. “But a dyad is... more than that. We can sense each other, across the distance, but we can also... talk, face to face... see each other. And pass objects, just small things-”

“You can touch each other?” Finn squeaks, gaping at her, and now Poe is radiating amusement.

She sighs. “Yes. We can.”

Poe breaks the long silence with a chuckle. “Well, Rey, this just takes it all. I don’t even know what to say. Makes no sense to me. But... I’ll propose the Queen’s offer to the leadership as well as I can... probably won’t mention the part about... _him_... for now. Your story that he died has been pretty well accepted, I think. But, man, this is what the Resistance needs, what the galaxy needs. And how in the world am I going to stop you anyway? I’ve seen that look in your eye before.” He shakes his head, still amazed. “If only Leia could see this.”

Finn is aghast. “Poe! Are you serious?” Rey turns to him, facing the sense of betrayal bleeding off him. He doesn’t meet her eyes.

“Aww, buddy, come on.” Poe is exasperated. “What am I going to do about it? Can you honestly tell me we have any other choice? We need this! And yeah, we’re slowly getting the First Order pinned down, but establishing an actual government, we need more help, and well,” he shrugs, “I trust... Rey.”

“But do you trust _Ren_?” Finn is still outraged.

Poe can only shrug again. “I trust Rey,” he repeats. And then a gleam comes into his eyes. “Yeah... it kinda all makes sense now,” he turns, addressing Rey. “He’s been helping you, hasn’t he? I mean, information, about the First Order, sympathetic systems, all that?”

Rey nods, and thankfully her cheeks don’t flush too brightly. “I did wonder how you got so... knowledgeable about the galaxy, so quickly.”

Rey considers feeling insulted, but then smiles sheepishly. Poe grins at her, shaking his head.

“Well, there you go, Finn. He’s helping us already, whether we like it or not. It’s all been good intel. Real helpful.” He winks at Rey. “Way to use your resources, kid.“

“So, he...um... Ben... gosh, that’s going to take some getting used to... he’s on board with this?” Rose asks gently.

“Actually...I haven’t asked him yet,” Rey admits. “I wanted to talk to you all, first. Before... but I’m sure he will be.” This is what they’ve been waiting for. _This is our way forward._

“I have a plan. It won’t be like the Jedi.” She’s firm on this point. Luke had been right about some things in the old Jedi order. “It will be a school, not a temple. And the... students,” she is sure now there will be more, “they’ll go home, regularly, visit their families, have friendships... attachments. They won’t be cut off, isolated,” _like_ _Ben was._

“I... we... will help them learn to use the force, to control whatever is within them, but... I’m not taking responsibility for a religion.”

Rose nods, “That sounds really good, Rey. You’ll be good at that.”

Finn is still silent. Rey turns to him now, not wanting to pressure him but imploring him to understand, to see what could be. She meets his eyes, which are still narrowed at her...doubtful.

“Yeah, Rey.” There’s sorrow in his voice. “ _You’ll_ be good at that. You’ve taught me a lot already. As for the rest of your _plan_...” there’s more than a hint of sarcasm at the word.

“Well.” He shrugs. “We’ll see.”


	30. Rey and Ben, across the chasm

“No. Absolutely not.”  
“What?” Rey is stunned. “Ben, I thought this is what we wanted!”

Rey had reached out to him as soon as she left her friends. Bubbling over with the offer, her plan, such _joy_ , she had pulled him into her space with hardly a thought, fueled by the intensity of the future she saw now stretching before her. Before _them_. The clarity of the force in the moment was striking. _This is it. This is the way forward._

Ben doesn’t seem to agree.

“No one would _want_ me teaching their child.” His eyes are narrowed, brow furrowed, though he seems more... confused, than angry.

“Ben!” Her heart aches that he still doubts himself. “I thought we wanted to be together, to make a life together.” She knows her hurt, her own confusion, are spilling over not just in her voice but through the bond.

“Rey...” she sees and feels him take a moment. Centering himself. She waits quietly for him to sort out whatever is happening in his heart.

Finally he meets her eyes, speaks slowly. “I thought.... I thought it would be just... us.” He says sadly, realizing his mistake. The chasm between their dreams.

“I didn’t envision anyone else. The Resistance, your friends. _Students._ I’m not... I can’t do that, Rey. I’m not that... person.”

She studies him a moment, considering... “You’re afraid,” she realizes.

His eyes harden as he takes a step toward her, his voice suddenly harsh. “You’re right. I am afraid. You should be too. You know who I was, what I’ve done.”

“I do.” She’s always been firm on that point, never backed away from it. “And I know who you are now.” She is beginning to feel frustrated that he’s still holding onto the past. Using it against her. Against himself.

“You once told me to let the past die. _Kill it_. And I did. We did, Ben. Neither of us is who we used to be. This is the way forward, your... path back. Your redemption.”

He just shakes his head, not meeting her eyes. “I don’t know what that’s... what that even means. For me.”

“So you’re just going to hide out here, alone, for the rest of your life, like Luke?” It flies out as an accusation before she can stop it.

“Yes I am,” he practically hisses, glaring at her now. _Alone._ His pain at that word resonates through the bond. _That’s what I deserve._ “To protect the galaxy, to protect you, yes.”

“Protect me? I don’t need protecting!” She’s insulted, now.

“Oh, so your... friends, they’re fine with this. With me just waltzing in and joining your little Jedi school, your little band of rebels? They’re ready for _Kylo Ren_ to sit down to dinner with them? Have a cozy little chat about plans for the future of the galaxy?”

“Ben!” He hasn’t referred to himself as Kylo Ren in so long. She can’t understand where this venom, this anger, is coming from. Softening her voice, her stance, she tries again.

“Ben...”

But his gaze is still hard as he looks at her, expectant. Waiting for her answer.

“Well... they’re... processing it.” She concedes. “But—“

“Mmhmm,” he growls. “And I’m sure the Queen is fine with it too? Kylo Ren, Leader of the First Order, Master of the Dark Side, teaching her beloved, impressionable, _malleable_ son. _Rey._ ”

He takes a deep breath, trying to calm his raging heart, relaxing the sweating fists that he doesn’t remember clenching. “You’re getting a whole moon, you’re restoring the Jedi order, you’re a hero. You can’t risk that for me.”

“Just part of a moon...” she protests.

But he shakes his head. “Once word gets out that you’re... working with me.... you’ll lose it all.”

She shakes her head in return, dismissive. “Ben, it won’t be that bad. You’ll get a pardon, or something, from the Resistance. That’s one of my conditions. But the galaxy thinks Kylo Ren is dead! And so few people knew who you really were... We can thank Snoke for that one.” She tries helplessly to laugh, but it dies in her throat. He doesn’t even blink.

“Anyway, I’m not doing this without you. My Jedi training was barely a year. Yours was over half your life. I need you,” she says.

“You don’t.” His voice is gruff. “Ask Finn. He can be your assistant.”

“Ben! I don’t want an _assistant!_ ” Her heart crumbles as he turns away from the tears in her eyes. She has been blindsided, wholly unprepared for his rejection.This wasn’t at all how she had expected this to go...

She steps over to him now, placing her hands lightly on his shoulders, running them down his sides, circling her arms around him, pressing her whole body against him. It’s been so long... She feels him tense, then take a breath and begin to relax as he places his hands lightly over hers, against his stomach.

“Maybe I don’t need you,” she says quietly. “But I do want you. This is our chance, to be... together. I thought you wanted that too.”

He turns in her arms, wrapping his around her, tucking her head under his chin.

“I do.” His voice is a whisper. “More than anything.”

She moves back a step, gently but firmly. “Apparently not,” she says with a half shrug, a raised eyebrow.

He drops his hands to his sides. “Rey. That’s not fair."

“None of this is fair!” She says, exasperated now. “Whole societies pinning their hopes on me, desperate force users seeking me out to save them. I’m not a teacher, Ben! I’m not even really a Jedi! I don’t know what I am! And we have this dyad bond—“

Now he steps back, suddenly icy. “So you do resent it. Resent us.” His eyes are cold, his whole aspect in the force suddenly completely withdrawn. _The mask_.

“What? No! Ben, no, that’s not it.” Her pain, confusion, hurt swirl in contrast to his icy composure.

She takes a cautious step toward him, as though approaching a wounded animal, and reaching out slowly, takes his hand, placing it carefully, gently, on her stomach, below her navel.

“ _Ben_...” she says again, imploring, letting her warmth, her desire for him, for _them_ , fill the bond.

For one moment he softens, his bottomless gaze meeting hers in that ephemeral dream. But then he withdraws again. He removes his hand deliberately from hers and takes a step back.

“No one. In their right mind. Would want me. Influencing. Their child.”

He gives a quick wave of his hand, as though to physically slice the bond, and suddenly she’s alone.


	31. Rey and Rose

Rey finds herself telling Rose... everything. Ben’s reaction to her plan, their fight, his closing the bond on her, and even... the vision.

“Oh Rey,” Rose says, surprising Rey with the sympathy that wells in her eyes. “He’s scared.”

“Yes, he’s afraid he’d be a terrible teacher, that he’s a danger to-“

“No, Rey,” Rose takes her hand as though preparing to impart a difficult truth to a stubborn child. “He’s scared he’ll be a terrible father.”

Rey stops, stunned. “But, that was never a guarantee! It was just a vision, it might not... we haven’t....” Rose gives her a skeptical look. “We haven’t!” Rey says weakly. “I’m here, he’s... there...” she’s weary of trying to explain the unexplainable.

“Huh.” Rose shrugs offhandedly. “Poe thought maybe that wouldn’t matter, with your force thing... Anyway, and now he owes me 20 credits!”

Rey rolls her eyes at her friend, blushing, but refusing to be baited.

Rose turns serious again. “But you want to. I mean, it’s part of what you want, for the future?” Rey looks away, then nods. “And do you want... children?”

Rey pauses, then shrugs, but nods again. “Someday, maybe.”

“Well, then that’s what he’s afraid of. Disappointing you, or repeating his parents’ mistakes, or both. All of it.”

Rose sighs. “It’s the same, with Finn. Never had a dad, raised by a fascist military regime... he’s afraid too. I mean, not that we- we’re just friends. There’s no plans to... but, you know, we do talk. As friends.”

Rey smiles gently. “He’s an idiot, Rose,” she says fondly, gathering Rose into a hug.

“You’re so lucky,” Rose’s voice is muffled against Rey’s shoulder.

“Lucky?” Rey is surprised. That’s hardly how she’d describe her own situation.

“Yeah,” Rose sighs. And Rey hears, in barely a whisper, “the person you love... loves you back.”


	32. Ben and Luke

Ben spends the hour after Rey left... _after I left her_ , he’s aware enough to admit, trying to meditate. But his mind is a whirl. And, if he’s being honest, his heart is even more confused. He’s never run away from her before. He just felt in that moment that he had to flee.

He should have known better. He is convicted again of his own selfishness that he had ever imagined she would be his alone. She would never abandon the galaxy for him, never give up her vibrant life, her unyielding desire to help people. He shouldn’t have expected that. And, now that he has calmed and can be honest with himself, he wouldn’t want her to. It isn’t who she is, what he loves about her

His anger in that moment scared him. Badly. He hadn’t accessed that part of himself in a long time. He had, in fact, thought he had excised it, left it behind.

Guild and shame and... yes, fear... plague him. As well as the desire to reach out to Rey, to apologize. But again: his own selfishness. He wants comfort in her peaceful presence.

_No._ Not after how he’s behaved. He has to stop turning to her every time his past rears up before him.

He gives up on mediation, stands, stretches, starts up the hill. Walking the island is its own form of meditation at times. If he can exhaust his body, perhaps his mind will be easier to control. The sky threatens rain: wind swirling, whitecaps breaking on the sea, but what else is new. He’s survived worse. Much worse.

He walks a long time, focusing on each breath, in and out, the resistance of the ground beneath his feet, the wind whipping his hair. Eventually the strain in his muscles, the burning in his lungs, the beginnings of exhaustion are a release, a penance. He finally pauses at a rocky outcropping, high above the swirling sea. In the distance the Lanai ships are coming in for their monthly gathering. He stands, catching his breath, envying the simple, predictable rhythm of their lives.

“I’m glad you finally stopped,” comes the voice from behind him. “I’m an old man. Can’t quite keep up like I used to.”

Ben doesn’t turn, doesn’t even respond. Luke is the last person he wants to see right now. Luke, who had been right about him all along: he will never be free of the darkness.

“Ben,” Luke cocks his head. “what’s wrong?”

This irks him into replying. “Why don’t you tell me.”

“Ben... I don’t actually listen in on your conversations. I’m not... haunting you. You don’t think I’ve got nothing better to do than follow you around?”

Ben scoffs.

“I felt your... upset, in the force. You’ve been stalking around this island all afternoon like a whirlwind. It’s hard to miss. What happened?”

Ben sighs, runs a hand through his hair. His frustration isn’t with his uncle. They’ve had several conversations over the past year, and if he is honest with himself, all of them have been... healing.

He speaks slowly, still struggling with his own reaction. “Rey has been asked to... take an apprentice. Train a young force sensitive boy. His parents... can’t handle him. Familiar story,” he adds, with just a twinge of bitterness.

Luke cringes, but doesn’t interrupt.

“She asked me to... assist her. I said no. We fought. I...” _Ran away_.

“Fought...?” Luke asks, failing to keep the concern out of his voice.

“ _Verbally._ ” He is hurt more than he would like to admit that Luke still doubts him. Well, why wouldn’t he? Doesn’t he doubt himself?

“She’s fine. I closed the bond, and... here I am.”

_Discussing my love life with my dead uncle._

_Again._

Luke is silent, considering. Ben turns back to the sea; the repetition of the tumultuous waves a balm to his roiling heart.

Luke is silent so long that Ben thinks he’s gone. But then he speaks. “What are you afraid of?”

Ben whips around, wind catching his cloak. “Why is everyone so convinced I’m afraid? What in the galaxy do I have to be afraid of?” He snarls. “Succumbing to the dark side again? Losing myself, everything I’ve worked for for the past year, to the anger, the rage, that no matter how I try I can’t seem to eliminate? Losing the girl I love because I will never be who she thinks I am?”

Tears brim in his eyes, but he holds them back, beating his arms against his sides, trying to reach that dark place that had once been so familiar to him, the place where fear becomes anger and he can no longer be hurt.

He can’t find it. It’s lost to him. The tears spill down his cheeks, and he sinks to the ground, relief filling his heart even as his mind whispers yet again that he is a _failure_.

“Ben...” Luke is gentle now, sitting down next to him with a sigh. “I made a lot of mistakes. You know that. And... I am... sorry.” Ben nods once, curtly.

“But I’d hate to see those mistakes... go to waste. Learn from them, Ben.”

Here, Luke pauses, and a faraway look comes into his eye. “Your mother once gave me some good advice, about another young Solo we both came to love. ‘A person has to chose their own path,’ she told me. ‘No one can choose it for them.’ I imagine, Ben, that you’ve felt for most of your life like your path was chosen for you. By your Skywalker blood, the voices in your head, the decisions made by your family...”

Luke’s voice, though still gentle, takes on a steely tone. “The Jedi, as they were, do need to end. Their... obsession with emotional detachment has caused so much pain. It did for my father, and it has for you.”

He leans back, sighing again. “I was... afraid of you, Ben. Of the darkness in you. And we were all so focused on that, that we missed how much _light_ was in you. And that was wrong. Yoda was right about one thing: fear leads to anger, and anger leads to the dark side. Fear _is_ the problem. But not in the way he thought. Fear leads to anger only if you... well... _fear_ it.”

Luke takes a moment to chuckle, and Ben shakes his head in affectionate exasperation.

Luke continues, “If we had recognized the darkness in you as an inherent part of who you were, of the boy we loved, and taught you to balance it, to see it and name it and choose to not let it overtake you... well... I’d like to think things would have been different. And, I think, Rey sees that. She has darkness in her, too, but she chooses the light. You balance each other, and together you can make a new path for the Jedi. I can’t think of anyone better for you to... move forward with.”

“Luke...” Ben risks now the question that’s been haunting him, the question he’d first voiced to Anakin. “Do you think he’s really gone?”

“You mean Palpatine...? Or, should I say, _Sidious_? That’s probably a more... encompassing name for what he...was.”

Luke is quiet, considering. “There is a certain... balance, in the force, right now. A peace. I haven’t lived long enough to really know how it ebbs and flows... and I don’t know what it was like, after... after the temple. I cut myself off from it. Too painful.” Ben figured as much, in those years when both Kylo and Snoke, and Leia, Ben realizes with a pang, were desperate to locate him.

“But,” Luke continues, letting the past rest, “I do know that the force is not like a...” he waves a hand, fishing around for a comparison. “Like a lake. It’s not meant to be placid, or stagnant. It flows, more like a river, like a current. So, balance now isn’t balance forever. Darkness always rises... but, when there’s light to meet it...” Luke shrugs, feigning nonchalance. “All the more reason, I suppose, to be prepared. And to have help.”

The sunset has broken through the clouds, bathing them in a golden light. Ben shakes his head slowly, looking out over the sea again, frowning as he combs through his thoughts. “I’m not who she thinks I am,” he says finally.

Luke shrugs. “I don’t know, Ben. But maybe that’s not the point. What you need to realize is, you’re no longer who _you_ think you are. But who do you want to be? You have a choice now, a real choice. Not based on visions that may or may not come to pass, or anyone else’s ideals, but just... what do you want? It’s not where you start that matters. It’s where you finish. Where do you want to finish, Ben?”

He is silent a long time, watching the second sun sinking into the sea. The wind has calmed, barely rippling the waves below and the grasses above.

“With her.” Ben sighs. “I want to be with her. And, I do want to help. Others, like me. Save them from what I went through. If I can. At least, understand them, help them to see that they’re... not alone.”

Ben looks at Luke now, and the anguish is apparent on his face. “I’ve made so many mistakes that I can’t fix, Luke. But I want to move forward. I do want to be who she thinks I am. Sometimes, I actually believe I am. But I am... afraid. She’s so bright. What if someday I bring her down, to the darkness? What if, when we’re actually together, being around me regularly, I... corrupt her? I’d never forgive myself.”

“Ben.” Luke rolls his eyes. “She’s stronger than you. You do know that, right?”

Ben shakes his head, a short laugh escaping in spite of himself. “Yes. She is.”

“But...” And Luke shrugs, as though giving up some reluctant truth. “Really, you strengthen each other. You trying to force her to the darkness made her choose the light, prove to herself who she is. And her choosing the light... gave you strength to follow. The stronger the dark, the more powerful the light to meet it. So, believe in her. The way she believes in you. And, maybe don’t worry about being who she wants you to be. Be who you want to be. I can think of no better path forward than helping others to learn from our mistakes.”


	33. Rey and Ben, again

Talking with Rose reminds Rey of the truth: They love each other. They’ve been waiting for each other. After everything they’ve been through, everything they’ve overcome...

And although her heart aches for him, for them, she doesn’t reach out. He has figure it out. He has to learn to trust himself.

That night she steps into her room and there he is, before she’s even closed the door.

“Ben,” She smiles, so relieved to see him.

He doesn’t return the smile, but nods an acknowledgment, and she pauses. That impossible _composure_ , again. He gazes at her a long moment, taking her in, and she waits, smiling softly, her only weapon against that _mask_. Whatever he needs to do to cross this divide, she will be waiting on the other side.

Finally, he speaks, his voice low. “I’m... sorry, Rey. I reacted in anger, in.. fear. But it’s not you I’m angry at, or afraid of.” He stops, swallowing, finding the words.

“I spoke with... Luke,” _credit where credit is due_ , “and he convinced me, that I was wrong. That he was wrong. It’s not the light or the dark inside us that defines us. It’s the choices we make.”

Ben is clearly still digesting this. Rey reaches out gently, expecting him to be upset, angered by Luke’s finally coming to this conclusion, after what he’d done to Ben, after everything. But Ben is thoughtful, considering.

Then he continues, “You were right. I am afraid.”

“I know,” she says gently, wanting to make this easier for him. “Of being a father.”

“What?” he jerks his head up to look at her, confusion on his face.

“Oh! Rose said, she thought – uh… never mind...”

He looks at her strangely, then continues. “I mean, yes, that too, but I was under the impression that was still… unresolved. Between us.” He looks suddenly panicked. “Am I wrong?”

“Yes! No, I mean. Yes. Unresolved.” She smiles brightly, nodding decisively.

He relaxes slightly. “And, I am certainly reluctant… to unleash my... influence on the next generation of force users. But, this past year has taught me much. I am confident that I’m… not who I was. And I’d like to be able to... help. Others like us.” _Like me._

She reaches out to take his hands. “I know, Ben. We can do this. _You_ can do this.” He nods curtly, thankful for her support, but there’s still more that needs to be said. The hardest part.

“Which brings us to… your resentment. Of the dyad. Of our connection.” He finally meets her eyes.  
  
“Ben – no! That wasn’t at all what I –.”

“Rey. Please.” Gently, but cutting her off. “I need to say this. I’m afraid… that once we come… together, begin to build a real life together, I’ll corrupt you, bring you down, and you’ll realize. That you made a mistake. I’ve... disappointed everyone who’s ever loved me, Rey.” His voice catches. “I don’t want to... do that, to you. Because why would someone as bright as you, as alive as you, love me?”

“Oh, Ben, no,” she begins.

But he needs to say it, needs to make it clear, to be sure. “The dyad doesn’t mean we have to… love each other, Rey. It’s not necessarily a…” he clears his throat, “a romantic pairing. What we choose to do with it, or not, is up to… us.”

He turns away from her now, closing his eyes, telling himself, trying desperately to convince himself, that it will be enough for him, whatever she choses. Her happiness, her freedom, that’s all he wants. It will be enough.

“Ben...” she forces a sternness into her voice. “Can I explain now?”

He nods, back still to her. “Of course.”

“Ben, I don’t resent the bond. Or you. Or _us_. It... you... are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Being pulled off of Jakku was just the start, and even that was your fault,” she smiles, hoping he can see how nothing in her life now would have been possible without him.

“And sure, you were a...monster,” and he stiffens, but she tries to fill the bond with affection as she continues, “But when you awakened me to the force, when we... connected. It changed my life. For the better. I don’t resent that. Never. How could I? It would be like resenting myself.”

Isn’t it obvious to him how much she loves him, she wonders. For who he is now. She takes a deep breath.

“But, what I meant, yesterday, about the dyad was, we have this connection, this bond, and I know you better than anyone, and you know me like no one ever has, or will, and we can’t really.... be... together. Body _and_ soul. That’s what I want, Ben. To live a real life together, in the same place, every day. Seeing the same sunrise, breathing the same air. Working together, sharing our lives, using what we’ve been given, for _good_. We have a second chance at life, Ben! How many people get that? And yes, you might disappoint me. And I might disappoint you. But I’ll never regret loving you. If you’ll let me.”

He turns quickly, and in a single stride he is before her. His face is still inscrutable, but his eyes reach out, searching, as he places his hands on her upper arms, his thumb brushing lightly over her scar. Their scar.

He pauses a moment, then he leans forward, ghosting his lips lightly across her temple, down to her ear. His breath is warm against her neck as he whispers, “You really want to do this...?” _With me_? echoes in her mind.

Her eyes drift closed, overwhelmed by the certainty of this moment, in awe of this second chance, for both of them. She isn’t sure what part he’s asking about, but whatever it is, whatever they will do together, it’s the same answer.

“I do, Ben. Yes. A thousand times, yes. Every day, for all the days we have. _Yes_.”

He closes his eyes a moment, leaning his forehead against hers. When he opens them again they are as intense as she has ever seen them as he speaks through the bond. This connection that is theirs alone. _I love you_.

 _I know, you nerf._ He pulls back, as his shock and then amusement make her laugh out loud. _I know. I’ve always known_. He slides a hand up to tangle in her hair, pulling her close, as she brings her lips to his, and their kiss is warm and slow and sweet. Holding all the promise of the future, of days and years to come, leaving behind what might have been, to embrace what is, and what will be.

“And I love you,” she says softly, raising her hand up to his face, tracing the cheek that had once held that beloved scar, when she’d marked his face and their souls. “Not because of the bond, or because of a vision, but because of you. I know you’re afraid, of so many things. I am too. But we’ve both conquered fear before. We’ll do it again. Together.”


	34. Epilogue

4 years later...

Ben steps out onto the veranda, blinking against the bright morning light. There she is, across the yard, already with 5 of the students in a neat half circle in front of her, and he’s pleased to see Temiri is there too. A new boy, older than most of the others, he’s been struggling to find his place. Rose and Finn had found him, brought him here. Ben’s been quietly giving him some extra attention... memories of himself.

They’re practicing forms, her morning habit with the youngest students, the earliest risers. She’s an early riser herself, an old desert habit. He, on the other hand, prefers staying up late with the stars, and rarely misses an opportunity to sleep in, but today the brilliance of the morning had called to him.

He pauses, just soaking in the sight of her. She’s so focused but so relaxed, and her students, so serious, are trying hard to please their master. And though she adamantly declines the title, she isn’t hard to please. She positively mothers them sometimes. The thought brings a smile to his face.

She must sense it, because she turns then, gracing him with a smile, radiant in the early morning light. She raises a hand in greeting, placing the other lightly on the swell of her belly, the smooth curve of their babies, growing within her. Twins, as it turns out. That was a surprise, the day he detected that the new life force within her was actually two. He’s hoping for girls, strong and beautiful, like their mother.

He’s overcome by a wave of love for her, longing and anticipation already rising in him. She quirks her head and smirks at him, then waves him away and turns back to her students. He sends his laughter down the bond and feels hers in return.

He sits down on the step, content for now to enjoy the view of his wife, doing what she does best. Believe in people.

_Not just who they can be, but who they already are. That’s what she did for me._

Next week the students will be heading home on break, to visit their families. They’ll have plenty of time, then, to be alone, together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming out of the theater from The Last Jedi, this is the ending I imagined for Episode 9. Rey and Ben together, finding a new path for the Jedi. When I started plotting these conversations and realized it could end here, it was serendipity.
> 
> A thousand thank yous to anyone who's made it through this with me. Writing it healed my post-TROS heartbreak, and opened my eyes to the joy of putting some of what goes on in my head onto paper. Thanks for overthinking it along with me!  
> I'm writing a FinnRose companion piece to go along with it, and give their happily ever after a happy start. Here’s an excerpt:
> 
> “And then they’re rounding the corner to the tiny galley that’s really more of a cupboard than a kitchen, and suddenly, there he is... looking nothing like Dark Side dictator Kylo Ren and everything like a guy making lunch for his wife and her friend. He looks up at Finn with a measured gaze but eyes that betray he’s just as nervous as he is.
> 
> And that’s how Finn finally meets Ben Solo.”


	35. A Sequel!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve started a new work in this universe, it’s called For Her Sake and it’s now linked as a series. It takes place several months after chapter 33 but several years before the epilogue. If you liked this one please hop over there and let me know what you think...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then too soon they’re rounding the corner to the tiny galley that’s really more of a cupboard than a kitchen, and there _he_ is, wearing not oppressive black (really, what was he expecting?) but just a brown short sleeved shirt, olive work pants, basic brown desert boots, with a towel tucked into his waistband like an... _apron_?... looking nothing like Dark Side dictator Kylo Ren and everything like a guy making lunch for his wife and her friend, and he raises his eyes to meet Finn with a measured gaze that betrays _he’s_ just as nervous as he is.

And that’s how Finn finally meets Ben Solo.


End file.
